still lickin' my paws

Saturday, November 20, 2010

actually, i moved.
told you i would.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 5:07 PM

Sunday, October 10, 2010

i know i should have let you go a long time ago. afterall, we all know the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, why else would you go?

byebye my love on 30th september. you've been a great "aunt" a great "friend" and a great company for everyone that lived with you.

it's time i move on too.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 3:33 PM

Monday, October 4, 2010

before we point fingers, can we learn to slap ourselves first?

i am upset and bothered by the miscommunication we had over canoepolo. it was supposed to be just a miscommunication, and i was even more drained after knowing about it. i am sad. and hurt that fault is being pushed. i was about to type out all my reasons and thoughts for why i didnt go for training, but instead of letting you know the truth, admit it, you would be happier if someone took the blame right.

ok. i suck thumb, i slapped myself.

HAPPY?

and stop using the f word like nobody's business. i know you need to vent it out but do it with some pride please.. it irritates me to the core when you use it like it should have been your name instead.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 8:22 PM

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

how long is this going to last.

"im going to spend my mooncake festival alone. when everyone else is going to enjoy the company of one other soul"

"loneliness is filling me"

"i want distractions but that's the thing i least needed at current. then again any distractions would drive me into depression."

"what am i suffering from? homesick? lack of a 23hr htht soulmate? or do i simply lack nutrients to drive me happy everyday."

i wanna speak up. but something's stopping me. i cant afford to take up other people's time at my own interest maybe? it is especially ironic that im reaching out to people who already have problems matters to the heart. so how can a heartbroken soul fix another?

i need. to get over. this. shit.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:48 PM

Thursday, September 16, 2010

one of those nights that i feel really lonely. and sad.

and then i feel at lost. i do not know who to approach, when to approach, how to approach. and after approaching, what to say.

it's one of those times, i just need someone beside me to assure me that im not alone, not unwanted. that person may not even need to speak or do anything. just needed someone to be around. to tell me im never left out. not invisible.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:55 PM

happy hari raya (:

Friday, September 10, 2010

been really packed since school started. and in fact, seriously stressed out by my tcm core modules. like, how could anyone have 6hrs of the same core module on the first day of school, and the second =.= this is crazy. no wonder we tcm students started muggin latest by second day of school. and i meant it. MUGGING. though i wasnt that serious to the extent of a mental breakdown, i guess i could pretty much feel myself crying inside and asking why i took this course, am i really ready to afford so much of myself to tcm? it seems like commitment's the only thing driving me to push on. just like how when training sessions seems too overwhelming. but somehow that's different, i only need to utilise a smaller part of my brain and work my muscles harder. so ok. i hate studying so hard. it's driving me mad, sucking all the essence of my life and eventually turning me sick, emotionall, mentally and somewhat physically.

glad but still somewhat uneasy that it's a long weekend holiday again. it reminded me of how i lazed and rotted around for the last 4 months of school vacation and i'd probably do the same this time instead of hardcore mugging. ):

this is depressing. even more when my mom so proudly handed me some ntu alumi magazine that featured this tcm graduate (FIRST BATCH!!) who got a scholarship in beijing and blah blah blah. the only thing i could remember was that she stated she studied 17hours a day. FREAKING SEVENTEEN HOURS A DAY!!! that's like 7 hours left to travel and sleep and eat =.= this woman is mad. and she makes me sad. how am i ever going to be able to commit such long hours when i am(hopefully this never turn into a "was") so dead on being commited to canoepolo. afterall i still have the passion, and i form a happy bunch with the people in it.

speaking of canoepolo, i feel such a pity that i cant run for any posts (or perhaps it's just me feeling incompetent so i do not dare to say that i want to.. im like CAN I EVEN RUN FOR TREASURER??). such a pity. sad. but giving up the title might do me more good. so maybe i should just stay where i am and focus more on studying, afterall i do not want to see myself torn between failing assigments and really badly upset teammates.. something which i fear and has been burning my cheerfulness since school started.

damns. why wasnt i warned of the workload i had to face? yeah i know mine's a double degree but isnt this too much? i even have to give up my saturdays in the next semester.

ok. i shall stop here. what a contrast to my title: HAPPY hari raya lol. but yeah, hope you spent this day well anyways ((:

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 10:59 PM

Saturday, August 14, 2010

on my sister's car ride back, my whole mind is filled with the conflicts among the seniors. how could things have gone so bad; why are some people so stubborn; why some people just cannot tolerate; what could have been done; what can be done..

but the moment i opened the door to alight. i was overwhelmed.

a dead mynah.

i shrilled.

then we realised something horrible happened to it. how could anyone could have been so cold-hearted. so brutal to a living thing. it was such a contrast to my every conscious attempts to pick up snails during rainy days from being crushed under the the feet of those quick-rhythmed blind souls. and to think i used my paddle to send a floating snail, still alive, from the waters onto the nearest soil i could get it to.

i could not figure out how and why a metal coil, you know those that you use to bunch up keys, was pierced through the poor bird's throat and beak. oh wait. it wasnt just A COIL. it was multiple coils. i prayed, one of these rare situations that i do other that before an examination, very very deeply that it had already been dead by the time the abuser had found it. but i know it's most likely just my own wishing thinking. can you believe my eyes blurred? i couldnt help but think how effing pain it felt and the helpless-ness it was undergoing with every volume of blood it lost. it's like stapling your mouth with a charcoal in your oral cavity. hmph.

the nightmare didnt just end here. the mynah's feet was tied with nylon such that it couldnt escape. tied so tightly that perhaps its hollow bone, supposed to be advantageous by being light for its flight, was long fractured like a dried twig.

educated and civilised as we may be. we're still as cruel as we were 3000 years ago. sad. humans havent grown up. you just gotta admit it. somewhere within us, there exists a violence trigger. just like how you can never tame a wild animal. aint it?

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:40 PM