Tuesday, September 21, 2010
how long is this going to last.
"im going to spend my mooncake festival alone. when everyone else is going to enjoy the company of one other soul"
"loneliness is filling me"
"i want distractions but that's the thing i least needed at current. then again any distractions would drive me into depression."
"what am i suffering from? homesick? lack of a 23hr htht soulmate? or do i simply lack nutrients to drive me happy everyday."
):
i wanna speak up. but something's stopping me. i cant afford to take up other people's time at my own interest maybe? it is especially ironic that im reaching out to people who already have problems matters to the heart. so how can a heartbroken soul fix another?
i need. to get over. this. shit.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:48 PM
Thursday, September 16, 2010
one of those nights that i feel really lonely. and sad.
and then i feel at lost. i do not know who to approach, when to approach, how to approach. and after approaching, what to say.
it's one of those times, i just need someone beside me to assure me that im not alone, not unwanted. that person may not even need to speak or do anything. just needed someone to be around. to tell me im never left out. not invisible.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:55 PM
Friday, September 10, 2010
been really packed since school started. and in fact, seriously stressed out by my tcm core modules. like, how could anyone have 6hrs of the same core module on the first day of school, and the second =.= this is crazy. no wonder we tcm students started muggin latest by second day of school. and i meant it. MUGGING. though i wasnt that serious to the extent of a mental breakdown, i guess i could pretty much feel myself crying inside and asking why i took this course, am i really ready to afford so much of myself to tcm? it seems like commitment's the only thing driving me to push on. just like how when training sessions seems too overwhelming. but somehow that's different, i only need to utilise a smaller part of my brain and work my muscles harder. so ok. i hate studying so hard. it's driving me mad, sucking all the essence of my life and eventually turning me sick, emotionall, mentally and somewhat physically.
glad but still somewhat uneasy that it's a long weekend holiday again. it reminded me of how i lazed and rotted around for the last 4 months of school vacation and i'd probably do the same this time instead of hardcore mugging. ):
this is depressing. even more when my mom so proudly handed me some ntu alumi magazine that featured this tcm graduate (FIRST BATCH!!) who got a scholarship in beijing and blah blah blah. the only thing i could remember was that she stated she studied 17hours a day. FREAKING SEVENTEEN HOURS A DAY!!! that's like 7 hours left to travel and sleep and eat =.= this woman is mad. and she makes me sad. how am i ever going to be able to commit such long hours when i am(hopefully this never turn into a "was") so dead on being commited to canoepolo. afterall i still have the passion, and i form a happy bunch with the people in it.
speaking of canoepolo, i feel such a pity that i cant run for any posts (or perhaps it's just me feeling incompetent so i do not dare to say that i want to.. im like CAN I EVEN RUN FOR TREASURER??). such a pity. sad. but giving up the title might do me more good. so maybe i should just stay where i am and focus more on studying, afterall i do not want to see myself torn between failing assigments and really badly upset teammates.. something which i fear and has been burning my cheerfulness since school started.
damns. why wasnt i warned of the workload i had to face? yeah i know mine's a double degree but isnt this too much? i even have to give up my saturdays in the next semester.
ok. i shall stop here. what a contrast to my title: HAPPY hari raya lol. but yeah, hope you spent this day well anyways ((:
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 10:59 PM