still lickin' my paws

today shouldnt be a blogging day still.

Monday, November 30, 2009

i am freaking freaking bored out by notes after notes. especially when i think i understand something, and then DINGDING! the next moment im referring back to the page. and the cycle repeats, viciously. how irritating.

i was browsing through with low hopes http://canoepolo3on3.wordpress.com/ when i was so down after 103 paper. (not that i did well or bad for 103, but it's really a rojak feeling, and it wasnt pleasant at all) then i felt this adrenaline rush, all the people there, the sport, the fun and true life and only life i'd be getting from my last official chapter of studying life. and then i msn-ed senior F who gave me suggestions and how they themselves actually coped. i agreed. in one way or another, we'll definitely overcome it. besides, when you're really stressed up with work, it's good to go for some distractions. NEVERMIND the cost if you can AFFORD and have the PASSION. OPY was telling me just that, thank you. i think my adventurous nature is not gonna be smacked down by the workload. if i really like it, i should go for it. (same goes for you guys)

so im sort of settled back into canoepolo-ing and splurging the big bucks on the sport. afterall, i'll never get to really learn the sport out there let alone touch it once i step foot out of the country. so, i'll just take it that im paying $350 (min.) as a 3 year membership to take up canoe polo "courses" actually, making such calculation, it's kinda worth it actually. think it from the swimming lessons POV (point of view) (some people claim i use too much short forms), you pay for a child rate, 55bucks a month then your child learns it for minimum one year, THAT'S LIKE >$600 BUCKS!! ahh. ok. so im pretty much settled. BUT, definitely im getting a secondhand one though. or listen to senior R and get a NICE guy to share (nice so when it breaks, he doesnt complain but willingly fork up the sum). and then shall squeeze out pathetic time slot during the holidays to work. i know that's not gonna get me anywhere independent, but at least i know im not living off my parents too much. i think i just have to constantly remind myself of who has been financing my education and how they did that in the first place.

played songs after songs. and i found one that was very encouraging:

NO BOUNDARIES

Seconds hours so many days

You know what you want but how long can you wait

Every moment last forever if you feel you've lost your way

What if your chances are already gone

Started believing that I could be wrong

But you give me one good reason to fight and never walk away

Coz here I am — still holding on!

Every step you climb another mountain

Every breathe it's harder to believe you'll make it through the pain

Weather the hurricane to get to that one thing

When you think the road is going nowhere

Just when you've almost gave up on your dreams

Then take it by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher you can go deeper

There are no boundaries above and beneath you

Break every rule coz there's nothing between you and your dreams

ok. so much for the song. im crossing my fingers that i'll stick to this decision.(yeah i know what you're thinking so much for typing so much thought-to-be logic right..)

but dont you just agree that it's better that i talk to more people about it? then again, my mom probably say, don't join. focus on your studies(and lead a mugger life---ok. i added that myself) and my dad would give an ambiguous answer. im wondering what my encouraging brother and sister would say after i tell them about the cost.

(no need to tell me you feel like slapping me to make up my mind. i wanna do that too. but let's keep that to the post-exams)

i kinda apologise and not apologise for the camwhoring photos too. i thought my post would be way too wordy so isnt it entertaining to substitute in some random pictures i took over the semester. im always alone when taking them. oh. talk about loneliness man. my roomie ended her exams in a week. but it's just 2 papers anyway. good for her. i've got 6 for a span of 3 weeks and only 4 down so far. :/ AHHH. so now im alone.

>>sister calls<<

alright. so tonight is a vistor night i suppose? my sister's coming over with food, specifically her dinner...............(ok. i guess you dont wanna hear anymore miscellaneous details)

i'll miss my roomie until i see her next semester. meanwhile, over the december month, im in charge of all the cleaning, or my nose and health would just suffer like crap. grrr. so im gonna dear for her presence especially in the wee hours cause it's really different to open your eyes and see someone physically there rather than an empty bed. in hall, an empty bed is analogous to an empty heart. oh no, imagine i get a single room! im so gonna make friends ALL around.

actually, im already longing to meetup with sweet swan caramel glucose and jwong. (haha. the weird names i gave and i really remember them) my heart's so heavy at the thought of them. perhaps this just added on the the rojak feeling im having back once again.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 7:59 PM

homerun. bad homerun. despised homerun.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

ahhh. everything's back to square one. when i start to truly enjoy the game, when i find myself staying on wanting to learn more, when i couldnt stop going back because i know my "teammates" will always be there. ( " " used because we're not officially a team yet. just members until we play a match or something-----which makes it even more depressing)

but there's just this one odds. this high barrier putting me back to where i started: which cca should i join. like hello? i thought i've decided on canoe polo after my foot cut my soccerpath, or at least sort of. i was so dead on joining this new unexplored sport, making my stand that i can cope well both in terms of sports and academics. but 40bucks for a helmet PLUS 290 for a second hand paddle is just too much, especially my lifespan as a canoepolo player isnt gonna be firm and concrete. in less than 3 years time, i'll be flying to china. you cant expect me to canoepolo there right? and let the paddle and helmet rot somewhere... if i were to be taking another course, perhaps it'll be no doubt i'll just get it cause i know i can simply continue with it even after graduation. ok say i come back after graduating in china, will i still play? naah, unlikely, by then i'd lost touch with the sport and have to attend to patients rather than players. i feel so guilty and bastard that i talk like this cause it simply sounded like i dont even have any passion for canoe polo. frankly, i do not know myself either. but i do know, i wanna learn the sport, master it, and enjoy it. peservere is everything to me. i hate giving up. i hate being a loser. i hate to have accomplished nothing but achieving the paper that would determine the future salary of mine. im begging you to let me have some life out here.

alright, so say i decide to go with the flow. but i wouldnt even know if i would have the time to continue with training. all the core modules are blowing me off my feet. im looking at my timetable, it's freaking packed. ok not so packed yet but you've got to admit it's quite some load to be already taking 6 papers in the first semester of a freshie. and it'll just be adding on and on and on and on and on... then you're gonna bring in this BMS senior who's also in canoe polo. if she can do it, why cant i? yeah, why not? then i ask myself, does cost really matter? and does cost really NOT matter? to make things even more complicated, i do not know how my jaw op next year would affect my training and performance. if it does, it'll be a really painful opportunity missed. and i dont want that either.

so question is, should i stay or should i go? if i stay, it might just be a burden on my parents. or say i reject using their money and use what i earned(those punie bits) during the holiday, they'd just explode hearing the cost anyway. if i go, where can i go? soccer's part of my dream list, i doubt i can play properly at least until next academic year.

oh. my. gawd. i really need some advice out there. YELPS. i've still got 3 papers and im so bothering by this shit. my head really hurts. and i simply have to put down whatever im doing and head for distractions. ):

and i really wished some canoe polo senior sees this. (i am in such a deep shit. like, again.)

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 8:25 PM

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Rah rah ah-ah-ah!

Ro mah ro-mah-mah

Gaga Ooh-la-la!

Want your bad romance

was watching her youtube video. over and over again. i saw her tears. and her eyes with the least makeup ever. the only thing that came to my mind was, was it really herself? her off stage self? then i proceeded to watching bad romance behind the scenes. over and over again. how come they never mentioned the cost of the mtv? freak. it must have cost a HUGE bomb.

ahh. anyway, that was freaking random. even the tea. just thought of showing how in real life, we can actually see that caffeine is not really that soluble in water afterall. LOL.

3 papers down. 3 more to go. CHIONG AH. (gosh. i feel like im at home even though im in hall. my mom keeps sending food over. and calls me every now and then. now wonder i havent craved for home. i only crave spaghetti and curry, in separate meals of course.)

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 5:51 PM

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

im feeling awfully emotional
damn.
why. is it so tough to let go of the past. that heart-throbbing(non-romantic) event. should i say i couldnt forgive those people at mint. or that, im worried that im the one whose not forgiven? this intense guilt has sandwiched me against rage.
FUCKERS.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 10:13 PM

ONE PAPER DOWN

Thursday, November 19, 2009

YAY. the paper i dread back in A levels has been stomped on by me. YESH. ok lah. i wouldnt say i have the confidence that i'll score, but at least, i didnt screw it like i did back in jc. ((: this is a optimistic me. YAY.---->BIMBO HOR.

sweets my sister told me to BRING AND EAT WHENEVER YOU NEED SOMETHING JUNKY. uh, which is like ALWAYS as long as im mugging. oh wells. the colours just makes me happier. think i should change my blog skin to something less emo. THEN AGAIN. HOT PINK IS NOT AN EMO colour. so let's leave it as it is. should edit the pic though. WHY I CANNOT SEE THE HEAD ))):

ahhh. dinner PART TWO after my economics paper. my mom was pretty disappointed when i turned down the TWO yogurts. but you havent seen the whole picture, the choc malt drink, the yakult and fries.. AND those rice veg meat and pear in my stomach (AKA dinner part ONE) is like.... T_T AH NOW YOU SEE. im just praying that the UNCHILLED malt drink and yakult isnt gonna cause me an upset stomach after one night. HMMMM.

hah. CLUBBING. K-BOXING. CHILL-OUTS. all the I WANNA DO. just have to wait till end of exams. I LOVE YOU MAMA. ((:

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:06 PM

Sunday, November 8, 2009

urgh. i couldnt be bothered to edit the photos. and blogspot screwed up the sequence of my photos. PLEASE LOOK FROM BOTTOM UP. (that's the sequence i prefer you guys to see it). but since it's appearing this way, ok. let me try to make sense of the arrangement.

a gift in errm primary 5? from some BFF during that time. i think she bought if from czech republic or something ((: this obession with cats she thought i had (maybe i really do)led her to buy me this CUTIE. LOVE IT. thank you janice leong jiayu!

this male adolescent was sleeping on my bed while i was doing my BS103 organic chemistry lab report. :/ (similar situation to turning around and seeing my roomie watching youtube while i chiong out essays) his position was so alike to the gift! (so i put it beside him. he didnt really care what the hell i was up to. HE DIDNT EVEN OPEN HIS EYES A BIT! sleeping is his life. each cat needs AT LEAST 15 hrs of sleep daily.---->i wished i were a HOUSE cat. )

this is how he looks like (: not very sweet looking. but his personality melts my heart.

rainbow. taken AGES ago. this photo makes me emo. like dull. the rainbow so far away beyond my reach. one step forward (and over the wall) i will fall to death 11 storeys down. i cant see my left and right because it's blocked by buildings. i cant step backward cause time cannot go back. im just. on the spot. until someone comes to hold my hand and show me the way... (see. very emo indeed. but suddenly i find my description awesome. O_o)

examinations are around the corner. in less than 2 weeks. yet there's more lab reports coming up for me to complete. *drops head*

then *LIFTS HEAD* there's always canoe polo to look forward to. EYECANDIES FTW! IM SO HAPPY FROM TRAINING YESTERDAY. at least now i know the guy (freshies and seniors) better. and i've got a longer list of eyecandies. then again, musnt let my senior know, she'll exaggerate and tell ALL THE GUYS I LIKE THIS GUY, THAT GUY, THAT GUY, THIS GUY and eventually the entire canoe polo guys team -_-" she has been failing to draw the line between eyecandies and likes. oh no. it this goes on, im never gonna get attached!!! lol.----------->ok. BIMBO!

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 5:22 PM