still lickin' my paws

Saturday, March 20, 2010

found this interesting blog and i think i'd refer to it whenever im in trouble.

to those to went back on their words. knowingly or not.

to those who ain all-rounded.

this is what i want but shouldnt want.

this is what i need.

to those who comments

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 12:24 PM

Sunday, March 14, 2010

长话短说。

表面上再多么的强悍，实际上心里是更加的脆弱。

让自己这么束手无策，同样的，也让身边的人不知所措。

自深感无奈。

好辛苦，好心苦。

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:47 PM

Saturday, March 13, 2010

i am damn tired.

physically.

mentally.

emotionally.

you can simply put it : my health has 'plateaued.' i do not know how much more i can push myself. and suddenly i dont feel like giving it a damn.

suddenly i feel like letting go of what i've been trying to sustain so much since i enter the big glorious university life. then just die out. afterall we all will die sooner or later and unless we're some genius or lady luck's bestie, everything on earth will still stay unaffected..even when we turn into ashes. people always say treat everyday like the last day on earth--live it to the fullest. since my definition of "fullest" isnt spending time holding stationaries, i wanna spend it elsewhere, which unfortunately most are not considered socially beneficial. sigh. im so contradicting. it's either im living each day "too full" due to consecutively packed timetables and activities or that i feel like all these aint what i aim for in life, i spend my days too wastefully.

i couldnt spend sufficient time with my family, my friends out of this caged university. in fact, i couldnt even find time to meet good friends from the faculty just a block away! this sucks.

but. these are times i tell myself, "live on. for you have people who care, who geniuinely love you, despite the temporal and spatial separation." and to add on, i tell myself, "in the process of achieving long term goals, more often than not, it is the experience that counts rather then the final result. thus experience is what you get. and since it is consistently felt, it gives you a motivation continue. isnt it?"

so sick and tired. i wanna recover. but it seems.. mind over body, mind over body, mind over body... my mind isnt giving my body the chance. and now my mind's determination is wearing out, i get short-tempered and REALLY emotional. i couldnt believe i cried when my senior simply commented, "you paddle very slow lehh.." WTF.

zomg. im trying to psycho myself to be optimistic. how pathetic is this.

i wanna find a personal space.

and a nobody's shoulder to lean on.

and let it out.

i am fucking tired.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 12:07 PM

Friday, March 5, 2010

alrighty, since im sorta categorised well-off bored now, might as well i'll take this chance to type a little.

been sick since gawd knows when. but it was probably the worst and longest im suffering from. yeah, lack of rest might have been the factor but i guess unluckiness that hasnt worn out is the main reason.

literally felt like it was my last night on this not-so-appealing world at my trough (is that how i should say it?) i shivered from within the entire night despite dressed in sleeves and long pants and curdling in bed. (some people said i had fever but the absence of a thermometer couldnt prove it) i lowered the fan speed and stared in amazement at my roomie who tossed and turned, eventually kicking her blanket to the corner of her bed. gosh. that night was hell.

(hell as it were, memories of the dead drew in. was this how they suffered on their own before they got to the other side? seriously, everyone's got their own problem to encounter, even at the face of death. man, created social but made to be independent. how ironic. i couldnt help tearing in helplessness)

i then woke up to a terrible headache and skipped morning class. the thought of having to travel at least 30minutes to the school clinic (yes even though it's within the school. the internal bus route just makes my life even more miserably ulu-ated) and waiting at least another 30minutes to see the doctor who might just conveniently issue you some panadol killed the idea of going anywhere out of my room. in the end, with a panadol popped (thanks to my roomie), i survived a lab and a lecture that day. as for training, obviously i skipped it.

for some reason i didnt go to see the doctor until i found time on thursday's break. O_O and to make things weirder, i landed myself at the school's TCM clinic... (oh. alright. i think it was because the clinic was closed at the times i wanted to patron. -___- )

the sinseh looked, felt and questioned. then a bunch of seniors marched in with chairs and repeated similar questions, only that this time i had to answer mulitple times and stay still or in motion longer. everyone figured i was recovering since my pulse felt normal, my tongue's "cleaner" and i show little symptoms of being ill except continuous coughing. maybe i should have emphasized that i drowned liangteh since 2 days ago and ate a couple of panadols too. all prior to seeing the doctor. so i left the clinic with some medicinal mixture (seems like those ogar potion when added to hot water) and both my thumbs pierced to "release blood".

so up till here, no one in my family has got any clue..

so anyway this was the cat that climbed 4 storeys amusing my neighbours and into my room. it happened some time last week too. the thought then it might threaten the humming bird nest at one of the laundry lines later came into our minds. luckily it was unharmed that night. ( today i woke up in horror to see the next devastated into parts. but i didnt see any chicks nor eggs. HOPEFULLY they flew)

had a friendly against NUS on a SUPER SCORCHING following SUNDAY. and then i turned red and freaking heaty only until wednesday. and to make things worse, i didnt manage to complete my course of chinese potions. [ 1. i couldnt find time to stick to proper meals. like when i wake up late and stuff. (havent managed to stick properly to any course since last year begun. WHY HUH. ) 2. i MUST wash the cup after taking the medicine. i usually dont wash if i just drain plain water. 3. the potion is disgustingly hard to ingest. ] and point 3 is the dominant factor FYI.

(uhhh. forgot to say my eyes, especially the right one, has been bloodshot since last thursday.. i thought it's better. but i just woke up from a nap and shrieked in horror at the mirror. SAD. )

while most already begun their recess week since last saturday, mine begins this coming saturday NIGHT. exam on thursday couldnt be more welcoming followed by a graded business presentation today. then there's training tomorrow morning and a couple of friendlies at night. AWWW MAN. the only consoling part is, i didnt get to go gaigai but my besties at NUS couldnt go out with me anyways.

ok. so im whining. again. :/ *sigh. thought this might become a more intellectual piece of work.

OH. AND MY CRACKED HALL CARD COST 50BOMBS. SIGH. now even my mama hates my hall. which explains my facebook status : na ge office yao fang huo shao diao. yupp. i simply quoted my mama. HAHAHA.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 8:12 PM

jerry rekindles

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

zomg. im turning back into the "little girl" i was back in primary 6. O_O

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 4:20 PM