reflections.
it's Qing Ming Jie today [a chinese tradition to pay their respects to their dead relatives].
it must have been the fading of memories that failed to survive the test of time. but then again. fourteen years and still counting, it's not unusual that i wont feel emotional.
i look at my paternal grandmother. she's so old. eighty-one is no kidding matter. my dad says she could even be older since when she registered her IC, the officier gauged people's age by their look. having been widowed for about a decade and a half, i wonder what she could be thinking. afterall, even my aunties and uncles were telling me that she is still sharp and alert even though she keeps quiet 97% of the time.
i saw how my mom held her hand by the road like she used to hold mine when i was a little girl. and then i observed how to cautiously wrapped her palms around one arm of my grandmother, for fear of causing pain to her. i recalled how, when i was young, i tried to be a nice and considerate person by giving my seat to an old lady. because the bus was on the move, i reached out and grabbed her forearm to support her. as soon as i felt her baby-oiled loose skin, she shot her eyes up at me, as though they're hissing. till today, i couldnt figure out that expression meant pain or surprised..
because i was the most ignorant person about the whole procedure about the tradition, i was assigned, supposedly, the easiest job---"take care of your grandmother". it sounds easy but it wasnt. i didnt dare to give her physical support most of the time, afraid that my palms may be too rough for her delicate skin. i couldnt speak to her because she was quite deaf. even despite those occasional conversation my grandma tries to start with me, i try to shun away because 80% of the time i couldnt understand the dialect.
on the car, i observed her. she obediently sits into the car and automatically pulls the seat belt out from behind. then she keeps absolute silence, looking out the window with an occassional blink. i could see from the corner of my eye that she was also observing everyone in the car despite facing out the window. i sincerely believe she's better at spying people than me.
during the ride, i thought why i treated her so cold, like a stranger. i vividly recalled how my mom narrated to me how bias my grandma was. maybe it's age, or maybe it's the relationship... my grandmother always gives my younger cousin the best and whatever she wants, whenever she wants. my parents also used to openly discuss in front of me how mean she was as a daughter-in-law.. pushing her father-in-law [aka our great grandfather] to his limits after grandpa died and eventually moving him off to another house. it was really a depressing family history. it was like a propaganda. i started to dislike my grandmother a lot despite the yearly takings of angpows from her. even more irritations were brought about when her bad habits like sort of forcing you to get-a-drink-or-else-i-make-you-3-in-1-coffee which i hated. even my relatives learnt to swerve and avoid her drinks.
but then, conscience poured over me. she's so old and it kindly inauspicious to say this but, how long more can she live she last 10 or 20 years of life? i should be a good granddaughter. defining good, i meant filial and attentive. that's the least that i can do to make her happy and enjoy the supposedly golden years of her life. i really shouldnt be waiting to find myself in another remorseful situation like how i didnt cherish my pets. which i thought i did. i wonder if the pain would be as intense as towards my pets when our generation parts..
i teared at the thought that i wouldnt get to visit my cats at the pet shelter. i was really glad when that didnt happen and was even more elated when it was my dad who initiated to visit. as usual, the aluminium cages with cobwebs sewn to it and spiders with huge asses crawling down those fibroin thread. i guess the volunteers had left already so the area was relatively less stinky from all the wastes. i combed my darling with some force like what i used to do to her at home, brushing off her excess fur and using a wet cloth to wipe off the dirt off her pretty triangular face. it's a little worrying that the fur on her tummy hasnt grown back, perhaps due to stress and irregular meals she choses to take. im just glad she still purrs and responds when we enter their cage. i shant comment much about the others, except for the fact that they all lost weight. ):
stepping out of the cage made me felt a little emotionally better. afterall, i still cannot overcome the fact that these cats are destined to live the rest of their lives here. but with all the pitiful will-you-give-me-your-attention stares outside the cage... i couldnt help but stretch out my arm and give each a stroke on the forehead. my mom then reprimanded me. not that cause they were dirty or that they were sickly.. she reasoned it out that we cannot give them love because we cannot afford so. it's true, given the cruel reality we have of today, it's really hard to achieve those social goals you have in mind unless you are filthy rich. it's a pathetic life we have today.
next to the cat shelter was the dog shelter which were separated by just a fence... amongst those dogs, i see the shadow of my dogs and i squat down to give further eye contact, hoping that it is my dog reincarnated and it would respond. and it did! but after a moment, it turned it back to me.. on second thoughts, i think whatever i did kind of hurt the dog emotionally because even itself seems to know that it's highly unlikely that anyone would want to adopt it when there's an Ericcson Pet Farm nearby which breeds animals commercially. i swear i hate that organisation.
i should be posting about the st nicks fiesta that happened yesterday and the meeting up with all my friends.. but then.. i guess these are more impactful to me.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 7:24 PM
and the tears you cry
at 7:24 PM
Thursday, March 27, 2008
i am not happy.
and i feel like a bitch.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 3:53 PM
and the tears you cry
at 3:53 PM
i really need to work out.
monday morning's 7 rounds and then another 4 rounds after school during soccer [supposedly] pt was quite a bomb considering i hadnt moved around much since CTs started.. HAH. the situation was intensified on tuesday's pe when we were made to jump up steps, do launches [is that how you spell it?! or is it lunches. im sorry if everything of me is associated with food], some crunches, push-ups. and whatsoever. suzie did everything in a breeze. damn. DONT LIKE HER. while i stayed back for a lil longer and find muffin in a terrible state. she had muscle cramps. AGAIN. i shooved her complaints to the very fact that SHE IS TOO SKINNY. haha. anyway, this is roughly the content of our conversation:
me: how's your leg?
muffin: AHHHHH. in cramps again..
me: hah. told you launches are NOT easy.. especially since we havent exercised since cts..
muffin: [supplement with the typical look]OH YAR HOR..
[we talk some more cock first. then decide to head to canteen first]
[muffin tries to stand up from the bench]
me: come i help you lar.
muffin: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh.... no need...
[we then approached the stairs..]
me: OOOOWOWWWW... pain pain pain!!
muffin: [giggles off] [takes her first step] AHHHHHhhhhhhhh.
oh yea. so anyway we took roughly a minute to get down by ONE storey... due to the muscle aching we were getting.. HAHA.
the day hadnt ended for me, at least. with soccer training at 5pm which i ONCE AGAIN WRONGLY REMEMBERED THE TIMING. GOSH. and i think now i know where my memory loss is from...
on a perfect breezy sunday night at home..
me: ma, tomorrow i won't be back for lunch hor.
ma: orh.
and i came home with my mom complaining that she bought my lunch...
on a less perfect monday night of the following day..
me: ma, tomorrow i'll be home late. i got soccer. K.
ma: ORH.
and i came home drenched from training [in the RAIN for about an hour]
ma: aye, i bought food for you.. why you never come home eat?
ME: -_-"
im totally glad i've got my dad to fetch me from school after soccer training or the people on the mrt would have stared at a very SOAKED [VERY] girls with muf spots on her shirt. even mr man, the coach, was at a loss of how to approach asking if we would want to continue training in the rain.. afterall, we wear bras but he don't it's quite obvious that many of us didnt prepare for a WET training with an exception to nicole who was announcing to the whole world she brought an extra set of undergarments. i shall leave the expression of mr man at that instant to your imagination. (:
and i finally got the team boots. FINALLY. i don't know if it was a good or bad news too... that the school team chosen FOR NOW might not be in the actual team. in a way, it motivates ALL to work hard and train hard. but, how will it impact those who did try to put in their best yet still fail to represent the school in competitions? im very afraid im one of them. :/
oh wells.
today's a really screechy day for me. *sighs.
i screeched when i spotted a worm clinging on my skirt while i was eating breakfast..[i last time i came across this worm, it was heading INTO my COLLAR] i INSTANTLY stood up and HOPPED as HARD as i could. sweet thought i screamed cause i dropped my biscuit. VERY FUNNY.
i screeched [but this time softly] when i saw pi sq. I HAVENT SEEN HIM IN AGES.
i screeched when he looked at my direction frequently.... *faints
i screeched AGAIN when H7 thought i went to the track to see mouse[he thinks i like him].. and...
i screeched EVEN LOUDER when he called me a liar after i explained i was there to find sweet.
im going to screech some more cause i actually am fond of H7. ARGGGH.
unfortunately, nothing in my head is going in chronological order so im going back to earlier in the day during lunch. RENU IS MAD. she ran SEVEN rounds under the bloody hot sun. HMMM. i realised i used the F word ALOT of times today.. plus alot more vulgarities. this is bad. im supposed to be sweet and nice....
AH-HAH. can you spot her?
in preparation of passing a childhood photo of me to the class... i dugged through all the photo albums and soon found myself engaged in take photos of photos. rather lame. but it's really helpful when you do NOT have a scanner at home. *nods head.
this is my mom. not me.
this is me. not my mom.
random picture of the day. some shit "art" my TWO brothers drew. theme: our impression of our sister AND I CERTAINLY DIDNT SAY MOM SUCKS OK.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 7:07 PM
and the tears you cry
at 7:07 PM
thoughts
hot
need
jokes
fantasy
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 6:10 PM
and the tears you cry
at 6:10 PM
HAPPY ing
im in a relatively cheerful mood. well. as least for now. despite repeated blows due to failure to complete my paperS. general paper and economics were DA BOMBs. and whatever that occurred during the mugging week was just another source to fuel the combustion within me. and yepp. i exploded. totally.
off with the unhappy papers. neither math, chem nor bio blew me off my feet because i was kinda already expecting that failure. to be able to attempt the LAST QUESTION of the latter two is already a big WOW-WOW. plus. at least i knew i could do which. and which i could not do. because whatever that was stuck between my nerve cells were really stuck. so those answers didnt "ting!" out until ally said INTEGRATION BY PARTS FOR THAT BLOODY quiz I COULD DO. and until bimbo-char told me of matrix and STROMA. and THYLAKOIDS AND GRANUM. haha.
i was rather amazed that i could actually focus on studying biology instead of drifting into thoughts of the planned outing. haha. but the OUTING IS FUN. pity caramel didnt come along. hmm. i wonder where she went after school. so this was how it all went about (:
swan sweet jwong and me headed straight from school. along the long long trail of pedestrian walkway, swan was trying to convince sweet about watching "10 000 bc" at j8. which is like. EWWW. can we go elsewhere.. haha. but anyway. me and sweet were more in to watching "step-up 2 the streets" haha. so we can cheat them on some of the hip moves to flaunt at future k-box sessions. WAHAHHA. ahhhh. jwong. she was planning for a movie marathon with bimbo-char.. so it doesnt make a difference what me sweet swan wanted to watch. she's supposedly going to watch ALL OF THEM still. haha.
we finally convinced swan to abandon j8 and head for orchard CINEleisure. ----SWEET! I KNOW IT'S CINE- NOT SYDNEY- it's just some problem with my tongue....-----
saw 2 HUAHUI juniors along to way. how nice. (: damn. im feeling popular.
later met bimbo-char who went home for a SERIOUSLY QUICK CHANGE OF CLOTHES[no sarcarsm intended. it's plainly for emphasizing. ] then we ate at BK where we browsed through bimbo-char's mag. wahahahhaha. frankly. i feel kinda flatter that the horoscope says: i should express my feelings to my crush? and WHAT?! VENUS IS MY RULER?! from april 7-24??[err. yar. i actually took down the dates haha] and WHAT?! my crush might actually have to same feelings??????????? HA HA HA. alright. no more comments.
swan sweet me headed for kbox at the eighth floor while jwong and bimbo-char proceeded with their movie marathon. cause there aint suitable timing to watch "step-up" together. so we forgo the opportunity of watching to movie. PLUS. it's $8.50 before 6pm cause it's the eve of a public holiday. and like 10bucks after that?! SIAO ARH.
it was intended that we sing till 7pm or a little bit later before meeting up with bimbo-char and jwong but k-box was kind of a popular destination to many schoolkids too. so uhhh. DAMN IT. we KINDLY gave up our room at 5.30pm. but i liked the room (: all the glowing spirals at the back of the room WAHHAHA.
strolled around for a moment before jwong. the sotong. realised she left her purse back at the COUPLE SEAT of the cinema----apparently the arm rest could be lifted up between the seats so the couples could..... yea. BUT. jwong and bimb-char were just trying to lean on each other for a source of warmth. literally----- so we rushed up the the cinema entrance and SUDDENLY. this cute guy pops out and passed jwong her purse. HOW NICE. and THEIR HEIGHT MATCHED! unfortunately he has a girlfriend. AWWWWWWWW. should have asked him for his number hahaha. IN CASE. WAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.
jwong and bimbo-char then went home while SW band was on for MORE. haha. as in. we just crossed the street to heeren. camwhored with some cardboard where you place you head at a position like THAT body belongs to you. uhhh. kinda embarassing yet amusing. considering how the shop assistantS could also crowd at the front of the shop just to see us in that position. and unfortunately. we were ALL IN SCHOOL UNIFORM. MAYBE i shall post it up here. depending on the response on facebook. WAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
so dilly-dally and we headed home too. swan appeared attached. to something? somewhere? somebody? haha. while sweet tried to persuade me into polo. *sighs. i really pray i could.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. FUN DAY. although the k-box session was REALLY SHORT. and my mom kinda pissed me off over the phone.
im totally looking forward to seeing my cats at the pet shelter really[not considering how i broke down at the plight of all the animals there]. there's this nice lady call auntie CATTY.. who. at first image. really gave me the impression of AUNTIE LIAN--hybrid of an auntie and an ah lian. she looked like she's in a 40s. yet she was dressed in really short denim shorts. i just didnt like the fact that she smoked.
one. it's bad for her health, reducing her lifespan to offer shelter for these cats.[NB: that cat shelter is last one surviving in singapore. "noah's ark" was closed due to some land loan that the government refused to extend?]
two. i wonder if she knew cats are more sensitive to carcinogens than her. that puff could very well cause much more cancer deaths of the cats.
ahhh. if only i were filthy rich. i would pour my money into such shelters. that do NOT put animals to sleep. and if only i were filthy rich. i can just apply straight to faculty of veteninary science of melbourne university without a scholarship to lighten the burden of expensive school fees which im losing sight of due to devastating academic results. but if i were filthy rich. i dont think i would have friends who showered me with sincerity, care, concern and laughter like i have today. (: i should just be rich. afterall. sweet condemns all filthy rich people to die. her exceptions are good looking people. WTF?!
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 9:33 PM
and the tears you cry
at 9:33 PM
Thursday, March 13, 2008
<< 知足>>
怎麼去擁有 一道彩虹
怎麼去擁抱 一夏天的風
天上的星星 笑地上的人
總是不能懂 不能覺得足夠
如果我愛上 你的笑容 要怎麼收藏 要怎麼擁有
如果你快樂 不是為我 會不會放手 其實才是擁有
當一陣風吹來 風箏飛上天空
為了你而祈禱 而祝福 而感動
終於你身影 消失在 人海盡頭 才發現 笑著哭 最痛
那天你和我 那個山丘 那樣的唱著 那一年的歌
那樣的回憶 那麼足夠 足夠我天天 都品嚐著寂寞
當一陣風吹來 風箏飛上天空
為了你而祈禱 而祝福 而感動
終於你身影 消失在 人海盡頭 才發現 笑著哭 最痛
如果我愛上 你的笑容 要怎麼收藏 要怎麼擁有
如果你快樂 不是為我 會不會放手 其實才是擁有
知足的快樂 叫我忍受心痛
知足的快樂 叫我忍受心痛
i know..i know very well that i shouldnt be blogging.
but at this point of time. this very point of time.
i should be with you. at the pet shelter. bidding that goodbye that has to last till i see you again.
im not you. but i feel the pain.
of the sudden change. in the environment. in the living space.
and most importantly the people who care for you.
those who used to give you that sense of security since you were picked up from the streets. are gone.
i try to comfort.
comfort that i should be glad that we will still see you.
but then. i don't know when we'll see you.
comfort that you have a place to sleep.
and you wont starve at that corner of the drain down the street.
but then. i don't know how you'll be treated.
how could we treat you like objects?
why the term "it"?
and not "him" or "her"?
life can never be fair.
what equality. what fairness.
it'll never come true.
face it. damn it.
see you again. soon. cats. ):
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 5:11 PM
and the tears you cry
at 5:11 PM
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
don't ask my why im blogging about sad things again. it just seems that whenever i want to blog, im upset.
today's another bad day. not contributed mainly cause i feel fat and bloated the whole day without any physical activity. but that big bro got into a car accident today. apparently his brakes failed on him and his car swerved like shit. lucky he suffered only minor injuries. at least what he appeared to be, to the rest of my family who visited him.
it's also a bad day. not because it didnt rain again when i chose not to swim today since it always does when i go swimming. but the disturbing fact that my old home is already in the process of being demolished despite written black-and-white that tenant to the estate could stay up till 15th march. which is like a day or two before my cts. i really don't know what's gonna happen to my results this time. i had my dog died before my O levels and i did badly for prelims. miracle happened and i thanked by crying for the O levels results.
what a bad day. not cause i slept for 3 hours after just doing 2 parts of ONE math question. but my sister used an excited tone to describe to me how she brought my favourite darling cat to the vet for a jab. while the process of her[the cat] being laid down on the table and being jabbed at like a jackfruit was quite amusing. i kind of sensed more bad news. if i don't rush back to the old home any sooner, last weekend might very well be the last time i saw her because she's gonna be sent to the pet shelter/home. and i don't wanna let her go just like the way my big dog left me.
i really wanted to post some amusing stuff. but i wonder if the tone of my entry now works out any humour:
alright. that's it. i finally blogged again. im "posponing" some problems to after the cts such as meeting up an unusually close but not-so-close friend. i won't say she's weird. but sometimes it can be quite intimidating. i hope it won't turn out as what im thinking now.
nights.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 9:10 PM
and the tears you cry
at 9:10 PM