Friday, January 1, 2010
i should be doing countdowns or enjoying rain's fashion concert show. but i found myself grasping at tissue paper ): not a very pleasant way to enter into a new year which i sincerely pray would be better.
visited darling baiwan again today for the third consecutive day. my mom seemed to be stopping me from going because i tear each moment i see the dreadful plight of this bony cat with one eye filled with pus, a sore gum and a faeces-stained butt.
"she's only left with half out of nine lives" i overheard my mom and i crashed my face into the bed. im really keeping hopes as low as it may be that she'll get through. i was reflecting throughout the day while most people were busy with work, friends or even making up their wishlist. i started to find myself a selfish bitch. there she is suffering and with angels surrounding her to bring her to a better place with no pain but im constantly praying that she doesnt leave me. i seem to have neglected the torture she's going through, the poor standard of living, the pain as nutrients in the form of food gets forced down her throat and most importantly the loneliness she's facing. she made me realise that perhaps, it's really time to move on. maybe she figured that i no longer need her (WHICH I SWEAR! I SWEAR DEEPLY! I SWEAR WITH MY LIFE..is not true..) so she is making her leave and at the same time, she allows me to move forward away from the past that has been bugging me.
but i hope it aint true.
i hope she's struggling to live, i hope she gets through this tough stage of her life, hold on to her last breath, HOLD ON and you shall recieve more. i havent done what i promised. i havent brought you home. i havent played with you in the longest time, in fact i havent played with you at all since i was made to stay in this new address and the old home got emptied. im terribly sorry. i havent brought you happiness but sorrow these 2 years. but HANG ON. dont leave me yet.
i am so disturbed.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 12:49 AM