homerun. bad homerun. despised homerun.
ahhh. everything's back to square one. when i start to truly enjoy the game, when i find myself staying on wanting to learn more, when i couldnt stop going back because i know my "teammates" will always be there. ( " " used because we're not officially a team yet. just members until we play a match or something-----which makes it even more depressing)
but there's just this one odds. this high barrier putting me back to where i started: which cca should i join. like hello? i thought i've decided on canoe polo after my foot cut my soccerpath, or at least sort of. i was so dead on joining this new unexplored sport, making my stand that i can cope well both in terms of sports and academics. but 40bucks for a helmet PLUS 290 for a second hand paddle is just too much, especially my lifespan as a canoepolo player isnt gonna be firm and concrete. in less than 3 years time, i'll be flying to china. you cant expect me to canoepolo there right? and let the paddle and helmet rot somewhere... if i were to be taking another course, perhaps it'll be no doubt i'll just get it cause i know i can simply continue with it even after graduation. ok say i come back after graduating in china, will i still play? naah, unlikely, by then i'd lost touch with the sport and have to attend to patients rather than players. i feel so guilty and bastard that i talk like this cause it simply sounded like i dont even have any passion for canoe polo. frankly, i do not know myself either. but i do know, i wanna learn the sport, master it, and enjoy it. peservere is everything to me. i hate giving up. i hate being a loser. i hate to have accomplished nothing but achieving the paper that would determine the future salary of mine. im begging you to let me have some life out here.
alright, so say i decide to go with the flow. but i wouldnt even know if i would have the time to continue with training. all the core modules are blowing me off my feet. im looking at my timetable, it's freaking packed. ok not so packed yet but you've got to admit it's quite some load to be already taking 6 papers in the first semester of a freshie. and it'll just be adding on and on and on and on and on... then you're gonna bring in this BMS senior who's also in canoe polo. if she can do it, why cant i? yeah, why not? then i ask myself, does cost really matter? and does cost really NOT matter? to make things even more complicated, i do not know how my jaw op next year would affect my training and performance. if it does, it'll be a really painful opportunity missed. and i dont want that either.
so question is, should i stay or should i go? if i stay, it might just be a burden on my parents. or say i reject using their money and use what i earned(those punie bits) during the holiday, they'd just explode hearing the cost anyway. if i go, where can i go? soccer's part of my dream list, i doubt i can play properly at least until next academic year.
oh. my. gawd. i really need some advice out there. YELPS. i've still got 3 papers and im so bothering by this shit. my head really hurts. and i simply have to put down whatever im doing and head for distractions. ):
and i really wished some canoe polo senior sees this. (i am in such a deep shit. like, again.)
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 8:25 PM