looking out for the next step in life.
my brother reprimanded me for adjusting his side and rear mirrors of his car. he said it was etiquette, like showing some respect in someone else's house by not moving their furnitures around. then he gave me an attitude when i asked to confirm the route to my granny's house when i was told to just ask the last time whenever unclear. ): he told me to be appreciative because he was trying to give me an opportunity to practise driving when i was clearly reluctant to touch the wheel. he then question "if you do not want to drive, then why did you learn in the first place?" i was stunned. "because mom say it is a modern day survival skill? so that i can drive when overseas when there's a need to?"
my mom reprimanded me for refusing to drink her soup when i returned home from soccer gathering at 11pm yesterday. and after lunch, she abandoned me behind at the foodstall without waiting for me or at least telling me where she was heading. i felt like i was a domesticated cat made stray. ): suddenly i asked a similar question to myself "if you do not know what your next goal in life is, why did you continue to stay alive?"
the rain kept pouring and memories flushed in. i imagined the presence of my dog if she were to be still alive, she were to be allowed in an HDB flat. i could feel her coarse fur, her warmth and her rhythmic panting. so much i wanted her with me. my mom recently confessed her obsession with cats, explaining that they were her playmates as an orphan. i pity her past. i shouldnt be comparing because i live in a better environment with parents that shower me with most of what i needed and wanted. but i too, grew up with my speciated friends and i spent most of my time with them. now i face complex and unpredictable humans minds accompanied by cold white walls everywhere i go. even my childhood hero MJ decided it was time to go. sometimes i ask if im growing up too fast. or am i still the kid with the slowest reaction..
now im upset.
i look up to the postcard i gluetag-ged to my wardrobe:
"
Where Have All the Smiles Gone?love hurts
it fills hearts
then breaks them
knowledge belittles
it's embraced
then quantified
life kills
it gives hope
then shatters it
even then,
shoulders support
weak and worn
but dry for tears,
for all the sad friends,
renu 30/1/08"
thank you.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 10:15 PM