Friday, May 1, 2009
i just felt this sudden urge to blog. though it isnt really the appropriate time to do so.
when i thought that friendships built for years could never have its trust-ring disintergrated, or at least not so quickly, i was wrong. and here i am. standing alone against the tidal waves of the unknown while realising how confused i am. i am so lost to an extent that i cant express myself clearly.
she introduced me a position. i was thankful and all the more thought i could trust her. we withstood enemies at work, discussed sensitive issues and comforted each other upon setbacks after setbacks. what a pretty story. unfortunately it doesnt end here.
she found her love called Q. and Q is my friend who has now became an even closer friend. the 3 of us got along together like a school of fishes swimming against the current so harmoniously. but cracks on the wall of friendship soon appeared. apparently, to her, i've been such a protective and close friend merely because i know Q is her love. i was so hurt. and i confronted her for it. a good talker, she twisted some words that made me put down the issue, temporarily. until now, i couldnt figure whether to trust her or Q. she described Q like someone so fickle-minded and unpredictable, portraying only her side of the story to gain my sympathy. if Q is really such a person, then who am i to trust now that im losing confidence in her?
because of Q, she threatened her life. (she also tells me of her sacrifices for her ex.) because of her life, i stood up as a friend. and then she said, "why should you care?" im done. i've lost. she also chose to ignore me like a rival and give her 101% attention to Q when we entered her bar together. and so i further affirmed that to her a friend is nothing in front of relationships. Q and her ex are everything to her, or at least 99%. im just a mere 1% there to listen to her woes. i cannot satisfy the desire she needs and wants, and so, im useless. not even a worm wriggling on the fishing hook.
i cannot hold it in anymore. i've gotta voice myself. im not a messenger though i had, have and may continue to be one. i am A FRIEND. don't reach out for my sympathy just because you need my votes to make yourself feel better. and i am certainly do not want to be the last person on your importance list.
Q is tired. is sick. of all your actions and your thinking. because you simply do not face up to reality. somehow, you've always been able to convince me that you come to work next day in high spirits because you do not want Q to be upset. but i've seen through it. the more you avoid it, the more serious the problem gets. but you continue to avoid it and persist in Q saying I LOVE YOU. yes i applaud you for your determination to spark off a relationship, but my dear. when too much tears flow, it's time to let go. afterall, love isnt about oneself. it's about giving. it's about the happiness of your other half and in return, the satisfaction you get. to add on, Q never regarded you any more than a friend.
i see lies. i see a liar. you told me you'd quit drinking. no more alcohol from march. but you got drunk on the day of your birthday. "it's part of my job" "my friends made me drink and i couldnt say no.." ok. i was dumb to believe you. because today i found out that you broke your own vow. you drank at the bar. and you did crazy things like shouting across the crowded bar about your feelings towards one particular ex of yours. yes that ex went overboard for teasing at all your efforts, but people don't change so absurdly in such a short time so maybe she had her reasons? then again, have you really wondered if it was all a one-sided love? like with Q? i feel like a bitch for interfering with your problems but isnt that the same reason why you've been talking to me? seriously. stop making excuses whenever things go wrong. yes she, me, they may be at fault. but it takes two hands to clap. so you are not pardoned either. i know we all make mistakes. but it's only when we admit them that we grow up. and my dear make no lies except the white. surely you dont wanna be just another bootlicker or RONald the second..
i think this is about what i want to vent. or at least for the (mid)night.
maybe i really do not know you that much. that's why the misunderstanding. i know how you tried to let me into your world by inviting me to your house and your gatherings. perhaps it's me who's not making the effort.
then again.
one who cannot treat even a friend well will never succeed in love.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 1:26 AM