Sunday, May 3, 2009
im down. and yet. another bigger wave slaps on me.
why am i posting so many sad entries? have i exposed the real me too much out there? to everyone? such that i become so vulnerable and sensitive to the thorns and daggers coming at me?
the last time we quarrelled, my mom cursed at me in a total of 4 languages: hokkien, cantonese, chinese and finally english. she called me names that hurt to deep. or maybe i took it too much to heart, but calling your own child jian4 gu3 tou2 was definitely MEMORABLE. today, for no apparent reason, she compared me with the strays she feeds on the streets. and she used metaphors to sting me. i was sad. i am sad. i asked myself what i did. i couldnt reason out why. i asked my siblings, the best excuse they could help come out with was that my mom wasnt feeling well, she's sugar-low, blah blah blah. but why is it bent on me everytime? and am i really inferior to the strays you interact with for less than a minute? you don't know them and yet you give them the best attention and care you could. while i could only stand afar, trying desperately to recall when was the last time you gave me a hug(you never did). there was only once, just that once you said "mama love you" when i was so depressed and sobering at the door while preparing for school. do i have to resort to such means to get your attention? i do not deny the thoughts of not slashing but scrapping my wrists or like dangling my feet over the window grills.. or the sudden impulse of shaving bald. then again, no, even if i have to, i dont want. i dont want to get hissed and cursed. i fear even to get into your sight, in case i find myself wrapping my face in scott hand towels again.
but i cannot let you out of my sight. i feel uneasy and worried. i fear that something might happen the next minute and i'll never see you again. i fear you get cheated by some scumbag or like what if your health deteriorates? maybe that's why i stay at home so much, yet i find myself closing my room door so you wont notice me..(she scolds me for closing my OWN room door. despite telling her i need to close it for: changing clothes, reading personal messages, making private calls, sorting confidental information, and shielding off light from the kitchen living room and toilet so i can sleep)i tell myself not to think so much for you. cause i'll simply suffocate myself in so many questions. but it's hard.
my friends tell me to turn to Him. and believe that He loves us. but i refused. because again, i fear you'd curse me again. for being unfilial, for following my sister's footstep. and neglecting family traditions and ties... see, it matters so much what you think and say about me, but you treat the matter so lightly. it really hurts. but you dont know, even when im tearing while typing this post.
then my friends suggested that you're menopausing.. but didnt that already occur 7 or more years ago? then why the erratic emotions? maybe cause you're ageing and you're ill. but even so, why is it so happen to be vent on me all the time. you get along so well with your other daughter, joking, laughing, having meals and outing... im so envious. in fact, i figured we never had a happy day out together in the absence of sister. i really ask myself why. there are times i find myself breaking down while in the shower. no, this is no sibling rivalry cause i know i get along well with my sister and brothers. at the very most, it'll be rivalry against the cats, dogs, birds, fishes(and whatever you can name). ridiculous right.
because you make me feel so terrible. i wanna stop. everything.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 9:58 PM