still lickin' my paws

it's good to leave some regrets sometimes.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

I AM PROUD TO BE A FINISHER OF 42.195KM @ADIDAS SUNDOWN MARATHON (:

buahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah~

to prepare for the night run, which is really really tough on the mind that constantly slips off to shut-off or power-saving mode, i was a total leech at home on friday. i woke up at 12pm and when back to bed again at 4pm to be awoken again at 8pm for dinner. i totally hate it when things go missing at the very last minute, like my tights and shorts(i absolutely refuse to run around in just tights, my buttock is too precious to be revealed fully. HAHAHHA. bullshit la me.).

we(my brother, my brother's girlfriend, my sister and i) were amazed at how some "competitors" decided to be their own driver, riding and driving their own automobiles to the venue. questions like "how can they still manage to concentrate on the road with all that exhaustion?", "don't they worry if they suffer from cramps on the road halfway driving?" and "don't the question of capability in driving ever breeze through their brawny minds?" oh wells. *SALUTES* i havent been to changi village in ages so let alone seeing the buslinest of the area. because the flagoff for the full marathon starts at 11.59pm whereas categories like the team marathons and the women's 10k had their flagoff in the evening, it wasnt very encouraging to see the latter competitors enjoying themselves at the food market while we past by to proceed to the starting point. the only comfort we get is when we seeing ultra-marathons struggling to complete their first lap(one lap=42.195km, so they're supposed to run two rounds. FREAKING BASTARDS WITH CRAZY MIND AND BODY) and knowing that we'd be running with people who are more exhausted than we are during the journey. haha. im so much of a bitch.

the weather was awfully humid last night and everyone was breaking out in sweat from the stuffy-ness. it was a terrible way to start a race, moreover the sky was decorated with pink clouds, an indication of oncoming rain which i think most of us were either praying or cursing for it to go. AND IT WORKED (: it was rather amusing to stand around my brother's colleagues, seeing how they freak out more than me. like the amount of powergel they prepared, and the hydration salts.. blah blah blah. but you couldnt exactly blame them for the exaggeration, most of us were first-timers and most of THEM didnt train seriously for the run. we, the runners, took a group photo before the race, in hope that a difference would be more prominent at the end of the run.

at the starting point(note how i elegantly chose to use the word point instead of line.. the area was significantly packed with gawd-knows-how-many-people..) some people looked too excited for the race as they start to jog on the spot and psycho their mind. other's were simply no longer bothered anymore as they find a spot to wait for the siren to sound. we belong to the latter... one of the mates said something damn classic:

"eh. those completing please go in front, those comPETing come here and stand around.." ok. it doesnt sound too funny, but it definitely cracked me up. HEH. light sticks were given out and i happily got a PINK one O_O. im just sad that it only last 6 hours.. AND IT DOESNT GLOW ANYMORE ): ): ):

kiasu-ism was well displayed at the first 4km. singaporeans. classic. everyone was going at a speed a little faster than jogging. and NO ONE was walking. or at least hardly anyone was walking.. then at the first 3 or 4 water points, you see men and women doing what they do best: self-service and then leaving the place with volunteers in horror. you see, we were supposed to get the cups from volunteers, not going behind the tentage to help ourselves. im guilty of being one of those over-automatic runners. LOL.

the race was truly tedious for the first 2 hours as i struggle with my undigested dinner. i was burping BBQ pork ribs and suffering from stitches. i wanted to stop and puke out a bit, but my pride was too huge to be stopped.. every now and then, i was walking. i fact, i think i probably walked more than running/jogging. HMMMM. i don't know how i made it through the 42kilometres now that i recall of the long and tedious journey through CHANGI to EAST COAST PARK to BEDOK to TAMPINES to PASIR RIS and back to CHANGI(i forgot when i ran past kembangan..). HARDCORE SIA.

a few interesting notes to point out. 1) a man farted A LOT. LOUDLY in front of me. i was expecting some reaction at least from other runners pacing near him.. but i guess everyone was just too shagged to give a damn about it. 2) another guy pee-ed in the open, and no one gave a damn either. we see, we go. HAHAHAHAHA. who says singaporean are conservative?! 3)we crossed a total of 4(if i didnt remember wrongly) overhead bridges. i thank the organiser for planning unstepped overhead bridges as much as possible. determined fellows were still able to pace their run up the slopes. but i guess everyone died at the stepped one. i also thought people would curse at the sight of overhead bridges. but uh. think everyone is REALLY too tired to waste another breath on vulgarities. LOL. 4) my shirt and my brother's were stained from the safety pins(used to secure our number tags) that rusted very right on our shirts while running. this proved we have significantly been producing salt and water. *nods* 5) it's an absolutely common thing to hear runners burping throughout the journey. 6) you see the poor volunteers dozing out at their stationed points. but hey, so what they've been there since 6pm the day before? they're earning CIP hours lor. 7) met jolyn loh's clique at one of the water station and we simultaneously asked "what are you doing here?" hmmm. a question way too redundant.

knowing im near the finishing line though unknown of exactly how far, i hastened up my speed. whatmore i heard a runner who just completed, "com'on! com'on! 500metre more only!" and so i did.. but only to realise it was a bridge further down to be crossed.. and so i held my pace AND STAMINA and ran to the other bridge.. telling myself, 300metres more only!! argh. it was an absolute test of my patience and stamina as i desperately search for a end-point. like WHERE THE F*** IS IT?! LOL. (i didnt curse lah. cause not enough breath at that point of time anyway..) HAH. when i finally see a sensor, i jumped over it.. only to realise that the FINAL one's 20metres ahead -_-" AWWW MAN. i didnt even think of the camera! i must look fugly in the shot ):

all in all, it was a good run with a timing of 6hours 10 or 20mins? i could have done it under 6 hours, but my cramps were holding me back every now and then. so that's probably one of the few things i regret. and hey, it's my FIRST attempt anyways, i applaud myself to even agree to sign up for it. hey. imagine withstand the torture of blisters, burns from abrasions(especially my arm, i feel like a chicken now cause i cant put my arm down properly), occasional cold breeze and cramps(yes i ran with my period. MY GAWD. and to make matters worse, all the drinks were COLD... ) i don't know why, but im no longer as persistant in saying "this is my first and last marathon" maybe i'll just sign myself up for another one when i get over the all the pain im suffering. for now, i'll just try to keep up with the walking pace of my mom, suddenly, she walks so fast that me and my brother lagged behind her everywhere we go. we're the new grandpa and grandma of the family :/ not very funny hor. wait till you see how we struggle to stand and sit.

till then, maybe i get a speedy recovery from all these sports-incurred injuries. OH MY TIAN. i just realised 2 more toe nails are dropping!! which would be a total of 4. MY GAWDDDDD.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 1:59 PM

beezzzzzzz

Friday, May 29, 2009

life's a buzz. so here's a picture to spice up my blog after seeing it stone for i-dont-know-how-long.

it's VRALA! orange(the cow's name. yes it has a name. see how animal deprived i am. and anyways, orange was a prize i won at some lucky dip store...) and me (: ahhh. it's a pretty overdued picture from my last genting trip with my mom dad sister bro and bro's wife. i actually got sunburnt. -_-"

so. uh... the only thing worth reporting about last week was the clique outing on saturday which was unfortunately missed out by swan ): ): i hope she's gotten back on track---she SHOULD have recovered by now. we were supposed to meet up for lunch at astons at cathay but i missed it because: 1. i was slow at preparing whatsoever you can name(IM REALLY TURNING INTO A WOMAN WHO MAKES PEOPLE WAIT.) 2. i couldnt find my housekey and so i was trapped at home until i realised it was in the pocket of the jeans i was wearing *SULKS* 3. i overshot the mrt station and ended at cityhall instead and so i just grabbed the chance to collect my race pack too... the full clique(except swan) finally gathered at cityhall mrt station. (: talked and chat more at starbucks after sweet left. and yea. that was. the day. :/

last night, i got my dad's nails painted hot pink (: I WAS SO PROUD OF HIM until he SCREECHED "AIIIYEEEEEEEWWW!! LIDDAT HOW I WORK TOMORROW???" i wonder why. meanwhile, i've gotten my nails white just a day after the metallic purple nail polish was removed. and now, due to my poor nail-polishing skills, it looks like i used liquid paper instead. WHATEVER. i think i love nail polishes. i've been having a hard time finding pastel dull green and electric blue colour. ): help my keep a lookout. muahahahha. also, im intending to go on a self-initiated makeover after my marathon this saturday *SCREAMS AND RUNS AROUND THE HOUSE FRANTICALLY* my mom got me brown and pink eyeshadows and nude lip colour(yes. in short, make-up. she says im a big girl now and i've gotta learn to dress up at uni level. *raises brow* UHHHH. i dont mind getting married early if that's what she meant. HAHAHAHAA.) while i made her buy me a burgandy hair dye. YES. im going to be a red head. i wanted to go for highlight at first.. so i get a punk look with a zap of electric blue amongst my black "sea" of hair. but the cost is just too high for me amongst this recession period. i did think of hair extension.. getting one of those neon coloured strands.. but. who's gonna help me remove it? I DONT WANNA PAY DEH EXTRA COST.

*sigh* i hope it doesnt mean mojo is winning the war at mint. cause blossom left. and now, bubbles had a last day yesterday.. powerpuffgirls are losing their stand at the toy museum. ): but nevermind. buttercup will leave this place soon too. and she is the most determined and strong-headed girl among the 3. just hope that she doesnt do anything stupid being stubborn that she is. bear bear's having is last work day today too ): so it sounds like everyone's leaving. and i am depressed. it's only left with the cooks and bartenders who are really keeping me entertained. RAWWWWRRRR.

trouble trouble! buttercup likes potato. and she smiles no matter what potato does. she gives in to him. but potato has already been planted, roots have grown and so has its leaves. buttercup knows it's wrong. buttercup convinces herself that it's friendship. yes. it's only friendship. even potato says that. but the line is blurring between really good friends and scandal. EWWWWW. she hates that word. but she needs it to remind herself of what she might be landing herself in. there's just so much trust between the 2 of them. they whisper secrets, hold hands and wait to end work together. arrgh. must be the contacts. such contacts should be reduced. yes they should. buttercup never held hands, never hugged, never leaned, never shared so much with a plant before. potato is the first one. but it is the wrong potato plant. she just have to bombard herself with the fact.

all hail to shanka who cooked me a WHOLESOME seafood arrabiata today. abit overwhelming though. i really shouldnt have eaten the rice my mom insisted that i have at home. haha. and oh. the brownie.. eh. not so nice afterall. i thought it'd be really good. but URGH. RP was right. the recipe at mint just cannot make it. hahahah. RP called me with bubble's name today AGAIN. and he is SOOOO blacklisted with shank who called me who mojo's name. it's not his fault but.. pride matters sometimes. :/ and uhhh. like all accidents that occur during physical attacks.. *BIG SIGHS* certain forbidden area was contacted. but AIYA. not like i myself never touch before... LOL. oh wells. i doubt i'd even scream if a flasher reveals in front of me. i'd probably just STARE. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

university should be starting. and im excited for it (: I CANT WAIT TO MEET NEW FRIENDS(: and somehow.. i really miss those days when i mug. mugging makes me feel knowledgable. unlike now. i feel dumb and idiot. the only happy thing i get from work is interaction with RP. ARGH. and some pretty tall praises here and there. then again. i also get constant reminders to lose weight. THANKS ARH.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 8:51 PM

draw the line.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

i went home with RP ytd. today.
both of which mojo wasnt between us. (: even though RP seemed like he wanted to wait for mojo.. but cause mojo looks like she was waiting for someone else... OH WELLS. IM GLAD.
moreover he treated me to choc sundae! (: (: HAPPY (: (: ok. maybe more than that. like in bliss. haha. though i was constantly reminding myself and being reminded that we're just friends.
so i wont be seeing RP the next 2 days unless i attempt to make a trip to visit.. which makes my motive so obvious -_-"
!!!!!!!IT'S LESS THAN 13HOURS TO MY TEST. GOD BLESS ME LOADS.!!!!!!!
and sally too. (:

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:02 PM

i stone.

Friday, May 15, 2009

omg. i've got so much i wanna blog all of a sudden. but the 2 hour run at ECP just coma-ed more than half of my brain cells.

i wanted to blog about my trip to genting last weekend.
my dilemma over courses between nus and ntu. I FREAKING GOT INTO ARCHITECTURE WITHOUT INTERVIEW!!!
and then my interaction with the new peeps over at mint.
....(silence. i forgot what i wanna type)
my engine still stalling with erm. 5 days left to driving test. i've been transferred to another instructor by the way. he constantly makes that"Mmmmm" sound. O_o
.....
the meet up with some of the soccer girls for semi-finals against vjc *shivers* on thursday.(finals on 22nd may friday 2.30pm at jalan besar)
and oh. last but not least HMMMMMM. what was i about to say. (facebook is right. i suffer from a mental disorder called dementia) ...............................................OH OH OH! my run. yes. my run today at ECP. hahaha. what the freak it wrong with me, i could have just read the first paragraph.

hahhahaha... err. yah.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 10:44 PM

blossom meets buttercup.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

YAY. im happy. or rather happy. haha.

had driving lesson earlier in the day. and my engine STALLED AGAIN. 2 WEEKS BEFORE MY BLARDY DRIVING TEST AND IM STILL STALLING. 2 WEEKS. 2 WEEKS. 2 WEEKS. OHHHHHHHHH MY MOOOOOMMMMMMAAAAAAAA.
met up with blossom at cityhall. cause derrick quited his job at hotel RE after "nagging" us to go for as interview asap.. oh wells. so we didnt land our feet at outram.
and i didnt manage to collect my allowance from the florist shop at SGH. that BLACK florist shop. people should just learn to take up responsibility as long as they're involved. i know i'll get my pay. just dont know when.
lunch (?!) at hans at 3pm afterwhich we headed across the road for bubbles (: POWERPUFF GIRLS REUNITES. and mojo wasnt there! (: (:
popped to peek at RP WITH blossom. and left as soon as edison appeared. moreover, we couldnt stand the stench of the ridiculous mixture of food smell despite working there for how long... haha. how ironic.
shopped at bugis. YAY. BLACK SHOES FOR 10BUCKS. MY SIZE SOMEMORE. how much more wonderful could the world be today (: (:
then got a black top which could be worn as a off-shoulder(IT'S A FREAKING 15BUCKS!!though sorta made in china haha. if you consider hongkong as china. LOL). WAHHAHA. err. the only pity thing is about myself. not deh top. i regret over-eating. and hence the spare-tyres that reveal from the figure-hugging top. ): ): ): ): ): ): blossom told me it's a NP cause a belt will do the job. HOW COME I DONT SEE SO?! ok. if im that desperate, perhaps i'll get a corset.. those 18th century kinda thing. cause i dont think i can ever bear to put that piece of caloric cookie or whatsoever down. haha. HOW PATHETIC.

ok yay. end of entry. MY. my entry is so childish. HAHAH. whatever.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 9:47 PM

Sunday, May 3, 2009

im down. and yet. another bigger wave slaps on me.
why am i posting so many sad entries? have i exposed the real me too much out there? to everyone? such that i become so vulnerable and sensitive to the thorns and daggers coming at me?
the last time we quarrelled, my mom cursed at me in a total of 4 languages: hokkien, cantonese, chinese and finally english. she called me names that hurt to deep. or maybe i took it too much to heart, but calling your own child jian4 gu3 tou2 was definitely MEMORABLE. today, for no apparent reason, she compared me with the strays she feeds on the streets. and she used metaphors to sting me. i was sad. i am sad. i asked myself what i did. i couldnt reason out why. i asked my siblings, the best excuse they could help come out with was that my mom wasnt feeling well, she's sugar-low, blah blah blah. but why is it bent on me everytime? and am i really inferior to the strays you interact with for less than a minute? you don't know them and yet you give them the best attention and care you could. while i could only stand afar, trying desperately to recall when was the last time you gave me a hug(you never did). there was only once, just that once you said "mama love you" when i was so depressed and sobering at the door while preparing for school. do i have to resort to such means to get your attention? i do not deny the thoughts of not slashing but scrapping my wrists or like dangling my feet over the window grills.. or the sudden impulse of shaving bald. then again, no, even if i have to, i dont want. i dont want to get hissed and cursed. i fear even to get into your sight, in case i find myself wrapping my face in scott hand towels again.
but i cannot let you out of my sight. i feel uneasy and worried. i fear that something might happen the next minute and i'll never see you again. i fear you get cheated by some scumbag or like what if your health deteriorates? maybe that's why i stay at home so much, yet i find myself closing my room door so you wont notice me..(she scolds me for closing my OWN room door. despite telling her i need to close it for: changing clothes, reading personal messages, making private calls, sorting confidental information, and shielding off light from the kitchen living room and toilet so i can sleep)i tell myself not to think so much for you. cause i'll simply suffocate myself in so many questions. but it's hard.
my friends tell me to turn to Him. and believe that He loves us. but i refused. because again, i fear you'd curse me again. for being unfilial, for following my sister's footstep. and neglecting family traditions and ties... see, it matters so much what you think and say about me, but you treat the matter so lightly. it really hurts. but you dont know, even when im tearing while typing this post.
then my friends suggested that you're menopausing.. but didnt that already occur 7 or more years ago? then why the erratic emotions? maybe cause you're ageing and you're ill. but even so, why is it so happen to be vent on me all the time. you get along so well with your other daughter, joking, laughing, having meals and outing... im so envious. in fact, i figured we never had a happy day out together in the absence of sister. i really ask myself why. there are times i find myself breaking down while in the shower. no, this is no sibling rivalry cause i know i get along well with my sister and brothers. at the very most, it'll be rivalry against the cats, dogs, birds, fishes(and whatever you can name). ridiculous right.
because you make me feel so terrible. i wanna stop. everything.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 9:58 PM

grudge.

Friday, May 1, 2009

i just felt this sudden urge to blog. though it isnt really the appropriate time to do so.

when i thought that friendships built for years could never have its trust-ring disintergrated, or at least not so quickly, i was wrong. and here i am. standing alone against the tidal waves of the unknown while realising how confused i am. i am so lost to an extent that i cant express myself clearly.

she introduced me a position. i was thankful and all the more thought i could trust her. we withstood enemies at work, discussed sensitive issues and comforted each other upon setbacks after setbacks. what a pretty story. unfortunately it doesnt end here.

she found her love called Q. and Q is my friend who has now became an even closer friend. the 3 of us got along together like a school of fishes swimming against the current so harmoniously. but cracks on the wall of friendship soon appeared. apparently, to her, i've been such a protective and close friend merely because i know Q is her love. i was so hurt. and i confronted her for it. a good talker, she twisted some words that made me put down the issue, temporarily. until now, i couldnt figure whether to trust her or Q. she described Q like someone so fickle-minded and unpredictable, portraying only her side of the story to gain my sympathy. if Q is really such a person, then who am i to trust now that im losing confidence in her?

because of Q, she threatened her life. (she also tells me of her sacrifices for her ex.) because of her life, i stood up as a friend. and then she said, "why should you care?" im done. i've lost. she also chose to ignore me like a rival and give her 101% attention to Q when we entered her bar together. and so i further affirmed that to her a friend is nothing in front of relationships. Q and her ex are everything to her, or at least 99%. im just a mere 1% there to listen to her woes. i cannot satisfy the desire she needs and wants, and so, im useless. not even a worm wriggling on the fishing hook.

i cannot hold it in anymore. i've gotta voice myself. im not a messenger though i had, have and may continue to be one. i am A FRIEND. don't reach out for my sympathy just because you need my votes to make yourself feel better. and i am certainly do not want to be the last person on your importance list.

Q is tired. is sick. of all your actions and your thinking. because you simply do not face up to reality. somehow, you've always been able to convince me that you come to work next day in high spirits because you do not want Q to be upset. but i've seen through it. the more you avoid it, the more serious the problem gets. but you continue to avoid it and persist in Q saying I LOVE YOU. yes i applaud you for your determination to spark off a relationship, but my dear. when too much tears flow, it's time to let go. afterall, love isnt about oneself. it's about giving. it's about the happiness of your other half and in return, the satisfaction you get. to add on, Q never regarded you any more than a friend.

i see lies. i see a liar. you told me you'd quit drinking. no more alcohol from march. but you got drunk on the day of your birthday. "it's part of my job" "my friends made me drink and i couldnt say no.." ok. i was dumb to believe you. because today i found out that you broke your own vow. you drank at the bar. and you did crazy things like shouting across the crowded bar about your feelings towards one particular ex of yours. yes that ex went overboard for teasing at all your efforts, but people don't change so absurdly in such a short time so maybe she had her reasons? then again, have you really wondered if it was all a one-sided love? like with Q? i feel like a bitch for interfering with your problems but isnt that the same reason why you've been talking to me? seriously. stop making excuses whenever things go wrong. yes she, me, they may be at fault. but it takes two hands to clap. so you are not pardoned either. i know we all make mistakes. but it's only when we admit them that we grow up. and my dear make no lies except the white. surely you dont wanna be just another bootlicker or RONald the second..

i think this is about what i want to vent. or at least for the (mid)night.

maybe i really do not know you that much. that's why the misunderstanding. i know how you tried to let me into your world by inviting me to your house and your gatherings. perhaps it's me who's not making the effort.

then again.

one who cannot treat even a friend well will never succeed in love.

All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 1:26 AM