a lousy day spent and more to come. suddenly i wished that im still in the midst of exams. at least everyone was trapped at their studying tables just like me. perhaps a little less emo than me. difficulties in co-ordinating timings with secondary school friends was enough. getting my schedule turned upside down was yet another blow. when i was in full hope of putting on clothes i've been yearning to wear and getting out with friends since about a month ago, i realised that not everyone was as "free" as me. they might simply be too "busy". i thought of spending time with my mother. but we always bicker and end up really unhappy. so why not. avoid her. keep private times with her to a minimum. it's good for both of us. afterall, im not born to be boot-licker or someone so ever sensitive to what others think about me and neither is her health or her temper getting anywhere better these days. and because of these, i worry even more. then i thought of going out myself. to sing, to shop, whatever. miserable but maybe i get some fresh air. naaah. striked off that idea. firstly, i have no idea where to head. next,i unintentionally starved myself the whole day everytime i was out, leaving myself with gastric even after dinner. big bro and his wife have gone to taiwan. where natural danger lurks as my father reprimanded it's the "hurricane season". some time early next month, 2bro gonna fly over not for holiday but for work. and probably be back when my A levels officially begins. that means no proper family gathering for... 2 months? and no proper birthday. i thoroughly regret placing high importance for family. and sometimes peers. cause it really hurts and empties your heart so much that you feel lonely, afraid and sometimes even angered. and when people asks and comforts, you could only leave such sorrow aside until it creeps back deep within. frankly, there's no cure right. tell me. who do you talk to when you need a talk? maybe i should learn what most little girls do---talk to their stuff toys like they were alive. ahh. i must be crazy. now i think of my pets. often realising what a mess i made on my table filled with tissue paper. ahhhh. this suck. the selfish pessimistic girl is out again. she'd rather find herself trapped permanently in a vicious cycle of examinations or live a life that only life and death mattered. no sympathy would do her good. she'll probably give in and fall further down the well. it's time to immerse in stuff like drawing or something that requires concentration, eliminating all unhappiness. she currently sits in her bed, wonders when someone will produce pills that stimulates dementia so she would forget and get on with life. or maybe. she would be better made a robot. and specifically, with no EQ and AQ. or maybe, hope that some MP would propose that it is not a sin to die and so there's nothing wrong with taking your own life.
people. i told you dont read right.
All the sleepless nights; and the tears you cry at 12:45 AM
clawedwretch
she’s not here, she’s not there.
and she neither stays nor does she hide