i feel like my mom's a hctib. im sorry but i dont think that she did a great job in being a mom. ok yes. i thank her for showering me with material needs and wants, cooking for me, washing my laundry and giving me advice once in a while. [now my selfish thoughts] but i hate her more for bringing me into this world. if you think you're so busy, why bother to bore me? afterall, im just an accident child. i'd rather you killed me in your womb then to bring me into this world of suffering, leaving me to survive the odds on my own. you told the whole world how you magnimously decided to retire early so you could spend more time at home with me. yes you did physically. but your heart was always with the pets or the strays. it seems absurd why im jealous over the love you gave to animals, but. IM YOUR DAUGHTER. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and yet... you have so much, so many to love.... you seem so "general" that a domestic helper can easily replace your position. you dont even know now what my needs are, let alone the wants. at least she talks more to me.. and she'll probably spend more time with me than you do. mummy. i just need you to give me a reassuring hug that you never had the intention of letting me go. and YOU still LOVE ME like the way i do. so many times i wanted to go out with you, and speak to you like what every child does, but it's so difficult. you think i've grown up since im going on seventeen, but im sorry. i don't think i ever will be. the day that i'll ever become independent and perhaps more secure is when we part forever. the thought is saddening, but it gives me a confirmation that i have less to worry. i didnt realise these in the past. i wonder why. maybe we had maids. and more importantly, pets. animals indeed provide good emotional support and thus therapy. whenever i feel lonely, i can play with them, sleep with them and they'll all respond. even if they hurt me, at least i know im present. now we moved house, there's no more pets to confide in. but i vividly recall those days back at green meadows, when the GRASSES ARE ALWAYS GREEN and the BIRDS ALWAYS SINGING. im not born to be a nomad cause I HATE MOVING. dad used to advise me to look up to my brothers and sisters for help and talk to them whenever possible. ok. but isnt it a bit too awkward to speak to someone not exactly of your generation. i mean. when your sibling thinks about powerpuffgirls, you can't possibly explain whatever you're gonna write in your gp essay right? so now what. im older.. and the age gaps doesnt seem significant anymore. and now i express myself. but another barrier pops out. none of them is there whenever i needed that life buoy. one got married and moved out. another spends her time at church or at the pool, the last one has signed on, leaving him with a maximum of 1.5 days per week at home FOR RESTING. what the hell am i supposed to do now? friends? i'll need time to switch emotional support again like from pets to siblings. oh gawd damnit. im such an insecure bitch. such a hypocrite and i hate myself for who i am. i wanna talk. but it's so difficut to speak up. let alone finding someone to speak to. now who the hell am i supposed to really confide to? my besties? so what? the thought of graduation totally drags my heart down to the very bottom. WE WILL NOT DISPATCH. ok even if we really don't. admit it. our thoughts will drift in different directions and eventually we lose the common topic we used to have. im tired. really exhausted. blow wind blow. blow away my troubles and saddening thoughts. please.
yay. ok now i've complains and whined. im happier. not totally. at least i stopped sobbing over lil stuff like how my mom just left me behind again whilst she went off shopping with her closer daughter. WHO SAYS PARENTS DO NOT DISPLAY BIASNESS? and realised i hadnt talked much about my dad? he's a workaholic. at least this fact was learned the time i learnt to understand whatever was going on around me and time was given to let me get used to it.
All the sleepless nights; and the tears you cry at 2:10 PM
clawedwretch
she’s not here, she’s not there.
and she neither stays nor does she hide