Sunday, March 30, 2008
it's Qing Ming Jie today [a chinese tradition to pay their respects to their dead relatives].
it must have been the fading of memories that failed to survive the test of time. but then again. fourteen years and still counting, it's not unusual that i wont feel emotional.
i look at my paternal grandmother. she's so old. eighty-one is no kidding matter. my dad says she could even be older since when she registered her IC, the officier gauged people's age by their look. having been widowed for about a decade and a half, i wonder what she could be thinking. afterall, even my aunties and uncles were telling me that she is still sharp and alert even though she keeps quiet 97% of the time.
i saw how my mom held her hand by the road like she used to hold mine when i was a little girl. and then i observed how to cautiously wrapped her palms around one arm of my grandmother, for fear of causing pain to her. i recalled how, when i was young, i tried to be a nice and considerate person by giving my seat to an old lady. because the bus was on the move, i reached out and grabbed her forearm to support her. as soon as i felt her baby-oiled loose skin, she shot her eyes up at me, as though they're hissing. till today, i couldnt figure out that expression meant pain or surprised..
because i was the most ignorant person about the whole procedure about the tradition, i was assigned, supposedly, the easiest job---"take care of your grandmother". it sounds easy but it wasnt. i didnt dare to give her physical support most of the time, afraid that my palms may be too rough for her delicate skin. i couldnt speak to her because she was quite deaf. even despite those occasional conversation my grandma tries to start with me, i try to shun away because 80% of the time i couldnt understand the dialect.
on the car, i observed her. she obediently sits into the car and automatically pulls the seat belt out from behind. then she keeps absolute silence, looking out the window with an occassional blink. i could see from the corner of my eye that she was also observing everyone in the car despite facing out the window. i sincerely believe she's better at spying people than me.
during the ride, i thought why i treated her so cold, like a stranger. i vividly recalled how my mom narrated to me how bias my grandma was. maybe it's age, or maybe it's the relationship... my grandmother always gives my younger cousin the best and whatever she wants, whenever she wants. my parents also used to openly discuss in front of me how mean she was as a daughter-in-law.. pushing her father-in-law [aka our great grandfather] to his limits after grandpa died and eventually moving him off to another house. it was really a depressing family history. it was like a propaganda. i started to dislike my grandmother a lot despite the yearly takings of angpows from her. even more irritations were brought about when her bad habits like sort of forcing you to get-a-drink-or-else-i-make-you-3-in-1-coffee which i hated. even my relatives learnt to swerve and avoid her drinks.
but then, conscience poured over me. she's so old and it kindly inauspicious to say this but, how long more can she live she last 10 or 20 years of life? i should be a good granddaughter. defining good, i meant filial and attentive. that's the least that i can do to make her happy and enjoy the supposedly golden years of her life. i really shouldnt be waiting to find myself in another remorseful situation like how i didnt cherish my pets. which i thought i did. i wonder if the pain would be as intense as towards my pets when our generation parts..
i teared at the thought that i wouldnt get to visit my cats at the pet shelter. i was really glad when that didnt happen and was even more elated when it was my dad who initiated to visit. as usual, the aluminium cages with cobwebs sewn to it and spiders with huge asses crawling down those fibroin thread. i guess the volunteers had left already so the area was relatively less stinky from all the wastes. i combed my darling with some force like what i used to do to her at home, brushing off her excess fur and using a wet cloth to wipe off the dirt off her pretty triangular face. it's a little worrying that the fur on her tummy hasnt grown back, perhaps due to stress and irregular meals she choses to take. im just glad she still purrs and responds when we enter their cage. i shant comment much about the others, except for the fact that they all lost weight. ):
stepping out of the cage made me felt a little emotionally better. afterall, i still cannot overcome the fact that these cats are destined to live the rest of their lives here. but with all the pitiful will-you-give-me-your-attention stares outside the cage... i couldnt help but stretch out my arm and give each a stroke on the forehead. my mom then reprimanded me. not that cause they were dirty or that they were sickly.. she reasoned it out that we cannot give them love because we cannot afford so. it's true, given the cruel reality we have of today, it's really hard to achieve those social goals you have in mind unless you are filthy rich. it's a pathetic life we have today.
next to the cat shelter was the dog shelter which were separated by just a fence... amongst those dogs, i see the shadow of my dogs and i squat down to give further eye contact, hoping that it is my dog reincarnated and it would respond. and it did! but after a moment, it turned it back to me.. on second thoughts, i think whatever i did kind of hurt the dog emotionally because even itself seems to know that it's highly unlikely that anyone would want to adopt it when there's an Ericcson Pet Farm nearby which breeds animals commercially. i swear i hate that organisation.
i should be posting about the st nicks fiesta that happened yesterday and the meeting up with all my friends.. but then.. i guess these are more impactful to me.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 7:24 PM