Thursday, February 7, 2008
i think ever since secondary 3, each passing chinese new year sinks into increasing unhappiness. and it cuts deeper.im trying to be optimistic about life each morning i wake up and face the mirror. but everything seems to be pulling me backwards. making me fall at every corner.this morning i woke up to the familiar "band" performing just downstairs. i assure you that this NEVER did happen in the past 17 years of my life back at my old house[aka HOME. i never did regard this current location as one.] that was the first and definitely not the last as i heard a total of 5 lion dance troupes percussions. kao. and i know there's more to come. and i'll listen to every single one of them carefully, taking note of how differently the percussions play.how sucky could your day start of the first day of chinese new year? there was no breakfast outing.. and then i was even told to iron the clothings..there was also no lunch outing cause my "smart" sister invited her friends over ON CHUYI when we can supposed to focus on spending time with our family. it just totally ruined my hope on going outing with the ENTIRE family. and so bigbro and his wife aka dasao came over for lunch. and as expected.. my room was like the second living room, everyone walked in and out as they liked. at least im getting used to this no-privacy kind of life. so i don't get pissed over it anymore.my day was ruined when sister's friends arrived late.. about an hour or so. then my sister happily toured her friends around the house proudly like she bought it. my only line of defence is to dig our all my work and pretend that that im really busy so they'll just walk pass my room. and im glad i did that. what worsened my emotions was my sister's attitude."jie, why didnt you tell me earlier that you were inviting friends over on chu yi? and that you were gonna have dinner out tonight too? then i could have planned my friends over on the same day as you so at least we keep one day for our own family outing...""WHAT. you can spend time with your friends i cannot arh?"how unreasonable. FCUK.please take into consideration that my pap only came to know of her friends' visit the night BEFORE when I told him. and that the dinner out was a LAST MINUTE decision. she seems to put friends and herself before family. but im the other way round. that's why i don't understand. and to a certain extent, i hate her. she's so immature and foolish. joining some church that acts more like a club.---no offence to all christians out there. but i never thought young christian church made any sense to me though i attended the sessions quite a couple of time...i was so agitated that i brokedown into tears. and was gasping for air. i really needed a space. i needed a channel to voice out. but the people i need werent here. the cats that give me spiritual support arent here with me either. in fact they're facing a homeless crisis now that my dad is firm on his stand not to keep them. hence i switched on the computer, only finding honey the closest friend i could seek out to online. she tried to cheer me up. help me find an animal shelter that doesnt do euthanasia. and i found many unfortunately news too.- Noah's Ark, one of the few animal shelter for singapore animals in johor and facing a dilemma because their land-years cannot be extended. and hence it has to be closed down
- this has further led to a conclusion in the report that the government--whether singapore or malaysia im not sure-- is not fond of cats..
- spca puts any given up pets to sleep withing 24 hours after handing over. question is, if you think we do not have right to decide to end a person's life, how can you decide on ending an animals? even their numbers are increasing expotentially? isnt is NATURAL SELECTION that the fittest survive? this ain making sense.
- only about 2 out of 10 animals picked up are adopted from spca... and the rest are put to sleep.
- i came to know of this some time ago. but here goes.. it's actually against the law to rear cats in HDBs. i think the government should do something about it.. like blow-up the law so everyone knows about it. or help people like me who downgraded from a private housing to a HDB flat..
i vividly remember how i placed my hand gently on the motionless body at mount pleasant animal hospital. that was when my dog died. it looked like it was sleeping cause it's body was still warm. just that it had it's tongue drooping out and a plastic tube stuck deep into it's throat. and that i couldnt feel it's chest elevating. i cried like shit. i only missed her alive by 15 minutes. DAMN. WHY DIDNT YOU WAIT FOR ME?
now i turn to the future but i only see my cats forced onto the cold metal tabletop, being pierced with a needle and they lose consciousness. this is way too much. it's not like they have incurable illnesses.. i strongly believe that if you give me time, i can train them to adapt to HDB life, whether in the house or at the void deck. if you just give me that chance.
having raised in an animal-istic environment, i'll live not in pain, but endless loneliness without them. and the radio was so nice to help boost the atmosphere by playing mika's happy ending.. which goes like "no hope no life no glory, no happy ending". i guess i'll probably end up with no happy ending at the end of year 2008. as i told honey "cca and academic wise, no matter how busy, i still can cope. but without my cats, without my spiritual support, i don't think i can do it anymore. i'll just lose focus and die out."
this situation occurred back in 2006 too when i was taking my O levels. but still i got 6 points. i cried. cause i know very well it wasnt me. it's just plain luck and help from above that i scored. and i also know very well that such miracle won't happen again. even if it does.. naaah.
the day ended quite bluntly with the news that a body was found at the resevoir near my house. hmm. what a day.
sheesh girl. don't cry. be strong.
All the sleepless nights;
and the tears you cry
at 11:56 AM