lickin my paws

2010-11-20T17:07:00.001+08:00

actually, i moved.
told you i would.

2010-10-10T15:33:00.003+08:00

i know i should have let you go a long time ago. afterall, we all know the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, why else would you go?

byebye my love on 30th september. you've been a great "aunt" a great "friend" and a great company for everyone that lived with you.

it's time i move on too.

2010-10-04T20:22:00.002+08:00

before we point fingers, can we learn to slap ourselves first?

i am upset and bothered by the miscommunication we had over canoepolo. it was supposed to be just a miscommunication, and i was even more drained after knowing about it. i am sad. and hurt that fault is being pushed. i was about to type out all my reasons and thoughts for why i didnt go for training, but instead of letting you know the truth, admit it, you would be happier if someone took the blame right.

ok. i suck thumb, i slapped myself.

HAPPY?

and stop using the f word like nobody's business. i know you need to vent it out but do it with some pride please.. it irritates me to the core when you use it like it should have been your name instead.

2010-09-21T23:48:00.003+08:00

how long is this going to last.

"im going to spend my mooncake festival alone. when everyone else is going to enjoy the company of one other soul"

"loneliness is filling me"

"i want distractions but that's the thing i least needed at current. then again any distractions would drive me into depression."

"what am i suffering from? homesick? lack of a 23hr htht soulmate? or do i simply lack nutrients to drive me happy everyday."

i wanna speak up. but something's stopping me. i cant afford to take up other people's time at my own interest maybe? it is especially ironic that im reaching out to people who already have problems matters to the heart. so how can a heartbroken soul fix another?

i need. to get over. this. shit.

2010-09-16T23:55:00.003+08:00

one of those nights that i feel really lonely. and sad.

and then i feel at lost. i do not know who to approach, when to approach, how to approach. and after approaching, what to say.

it's one of those times, i just need someone beside me to assure me that im not alone, not unwanted. that person may not even need to speak or do anything. just needed someone to be around. to tell me im never left out. not invisible.

happy hari raya (:

2010-09-10T22:59:00.003+08:00

been really packed since school started. and in fact, seriously stressed out by my tcm core modules. like, how could anyone have 6hrs of the same core module on the first day of school, and the second =.= this is crazy. no wonder we tcm students started muggin latest by second day of school. and i meant it. MUGGING. though i wasnt that serious to the extent of a mental breakdown, i guess i could pretty much feel myself crying inside and asking why i took this course, am i really ready to afford so much of myself to tcm? it seems like commitment's the only thing driving me to push on. just like how when training sessions seems too overwhelming. but somehow that's different, i only need to utilise a smaller part of my brain and work my muscles harder. so ok. i hate studying so hard. it's driving me mad, sucking all the essence of my life and eventually turning me sick, emotionall, mentally and somewhat physically.

glad but still somewhat uneasy that it's a long weekend holiday again. it reminded me of how i lazed and rotted around for the last 4 months of school vacation and i'd probably do the same this time instead of hardcore mugging. ):

this is depressing. even more when my mom so proudly handed me some ntu alumi magazine that featured this tcm graduate (FIRST BATCH!!) who got a scholarship in beijing and blah blah blah. the only thing i could remember was that she stated she studied 17hours a day. FREAKING SEVENTEEN HOURS A DAY!!! that's like 7 hours left to travel and sleep and eat =.= this woman is mad. and she makes me sad. how am i ever going to be able to commit such long hours when i am(hopefully this never turn into a "was") so dead on being commited to canoepolo. afterall i still have the passion, and i form a happy bunch with the people in it.

speaking of canoepolo, i feel such a pity that i cant run for any posts (or perhaps it's just me feeling incompetent so i do not dare to say that i want to.. im like CAN I EVEN RUN FOR TREASURER??). such a pity. sad. but giving up the title might do me more good. so maybe i should just stay where i am and focus more on studying, afterall i do not want to see myself torn between failing assigments and really badly upset teammates.. something which i fear and has been burning my cheerfulness since school started.

damns. why wasnt i warned of the workload i had to face? yeah i know mine's a double degree but isnt this too much? i even have to give up my saturdays in the next semester.

ok. i shall stop here. what a contrast to my title: HAPPY hari raya lol. but yeah, hope you spent this day well anyways ((:

2010-08-14T23:40:00.002+08:00

on my sister's car ride back, my whole mind is filled with the conflicts among the seniors. how could things have gone so bad; why are some people so stubborn; why some people just cannot tolerate; what could have been done; what can be done..

but the moment i opened the door to alight. i was overwhelmed.

a dead mynah.

i shrilled.

then we realised something horrible happened to it. how could anyone could have been so cold-hearted. so brutal to a living thing. it was such a contrast to my every conscious attempts to pick up snails during rainy days from being crushed under the the feet of those quick-rhythmed blind souls. and to think i used my paddle to send a floating snail, still alive, from the waters onto the nearest soil i could get it to.

i could not figure out how and why a metal coil, you know those that you use to bunch up keys, was pierced through the poor bird's throat and beak. oh wait. it wasnt just A COIL. it was multiple coils. i prayed, one of these rare situations that i do other that before an examination, very very deeply that it had already been dead by the time the abuser had found it. but i know it's most likely just my own wishing thinking. can you believe my eyes blurred? i couldnt help but think how effing pain it felt and the helpless-ness it was undergoing with every volume of blood it lost. it's like stapling your mouth with a charcoal in your oral cavity. hmph.

the nightmare didnt just end here. the mynah's feet was tied with nylon such that it couldnt escape. tied so tightly that perhaps its hollow bone, supposed to be advantageous by being light for its flight, was long fractured like a dried twig.

educated and civilised as we may be. we're still as cruel as we were 3000 years ago. sad. humans havent grown up. you just gotta admit it. somewhere within us, there exists a violence trigger. just like how you can never tame a wild animal. aint it?

2010-08-02T14:35:00.003+08:00

had my fair share of fun and laughter amongst my sorta rushy-hushy schedule over the weekend.

that saturday was a special day.
anyway, went out to bugis for bag-hunting after morning training on saturday and returned back to school with claire stepf n prissy with a mindful of thoughts if i had made an impulse buy. because the more i look at it, the more i hesitate to like it. the colour isnt very pleasant to me suddenly, which is such a contrast to that in the shop where i was so confident that brown was THE colour. *sigh.
was still hyper on the mrt back to school but was officially half-alive when in the pool. even though i got capped a couple of times---the thought of drowning or even getting wet SHOULD have awaken me-- i could feel my eyebags swelling and eyelids gaining weight as though it was undergoing puberty. oh wells. i feel bad not putting in even 90% for training that night, but i seriously felt that i was getting feverish from all the scorching and dehydration earlier in the day.

jumped out from bed the moment i heard my dad's voice. zomg. still exhausted from saturday. mad rush for a breakfast and back home and then vivo. i actually forgot to comb my hair. so freaking tangled cause i fell asleep while waiting for my hair to dry the night before. and it was one of the few rare occasions that i hadnt prepared what to wear and match for an outing. SHAGGGED. lunch at marche where i share food and hence cost with dan jo n px. argh. seet must be damn sian cause we didnt ask her to share the loot with us. ps ps. and dan has amazingly larger appetite than both the guys at the table. or should i say, wh n yh were simply being modest cause it wasnt a buffet? lol. anyway wasnt very enthu at the table cause 1. 80% of the conversation was about NUS 2. most of the frequency detected were that of the range of dan's.. 3. it seemed more like a debate between med sch and dentistry wrt who's better and stronger in all aspects.
drifted around to ben & jerry where jh and john came along. and seet, who was the only one who wanted and bought b&j, left. =.= so we had to give up the table we just cleaned.
finally settled at mindscafe@dhoby where we were at a very un-high mood. haha. shant mention why. but it got better till its peak of the day after syah came along like FINALLY. haha.
the gathering ended quite abruptly at Cathay's traffic junction. i guess john n yh were too engrossed over the phone while syah was um, to busy following the guys, leaving the girls in disbelief behind. way to go mans. lol. in the end it was just px and john bidding goodbye on behalf of each other over the phone hahahah.
another mad rush to amk where i got picked up for family steamboat dinner. woohoo. afterwhich, i just came home, changed out, and quickly catch up for my beauty sleep. tah-dah. another week's gone.

one of the rare narration i use.

2010-07-30T01:15:00.002+08:00

training's gonna be at bedok resevoir under the ruthless scorching broad daylight for 4 consecutive hours from next week onwards. frequency of such insensitive training each week is yet to be confirmed. but im definitely looking forward to jogs around the scenic bedok resevoir. it's where i used to train for my one-and-only-marathon-i-swear-i-will-ever-do. (: on a more serious note, the place really calms the mind with it's vast area of greens and waters. woohoo.

and here's how i reminised on one of the challenges i faced during the run:

you see the slope and half the battle is lost. then it's pure determination
the very first step online the incline slope. and breathlessness and sometimes
dizziness, stiches alongside with puke-ness halfway up. once conquered, you feel
a great sense of achievement as you find your leggings wobbling in attempt to
balance yourself from falling and subsequently rolling down the slope. then on
levelled ground, you are convinced your hinds did one of the best cardiac
workout you can ever find in a park as you feel the numbness due the lactic acid
accumulation. woohoooo.

2010-07-26T22:45:00.003+08:00

im going to type what little memories i have of the past. random as it may be. boring as it would. somehow im getting too sick and tired of listing out seemingly endless paragraphs of rants. :/
ahh. cant bear to part this blog as she carries a fraction of me. keeping this blog alive with pieces of the past is the best plan i have for her now.

today 4 years ago, i was still a ignorant POS. there were so many signs that she was unwell. yet, i turned a horrible blind eye, bringing her out for walks as usual yet frowning in disgust as she painfully defecaed a slum behind. sigh. weird as it seems, i wished i had another chance to clean her pile, to be a respectable responsible owner who truly loved her dog.

2010-06-30T23:34:00.002+08:00

stuck in family woes again. the root isnt treated, so how can we ever expected problems to cease? who dares to say, money isnt the root of all evil?

but it doesnt seem to me greed is the problem here. (i do not directly associate money with greed) perhaps its miscommunication again. then jealousy. then rage. then we simply just turn a blind eye to each other.

sigh. i think i live in an era of the cold-war virus.

job and the pretty-s

2010-06-24T13:44:00.001+08:00

im amazed by my lightning no-brainer responses over phone calls..
me: (dials a number) hello, im interested in a job you've made available.. may i ask where's the working location?
guy-over-phone: ubi.
me: OH MY GAWD SO FAR!!!... *silence* whoops. err. erm. sorry, guess i cant match the job.. *silence* BYE.

=.= loser. haha. no EQ.

tell me how am i supposed to get employed. when i can only work PART-TIME. and TEMPORARY. and ONLY ON WEEKDAYS. and need a FLEXIBLE schedule.. sucks lah. my $$ is undergoing combustion each passing day.. and incineration when i go to town to kill my craving for new clothes, new shoes, new dresses and to see pretty people on the streets=.= (yes, i've got a new hobby in town, beo chiobus and chio-man. sad life.)

speaking of chio people, i realised, unless you refer to those k-pop superstars, most of us cannot differentiate koreans from japanese and chinese.. oh, and for fortunate or unfortunate singaporeans like me, i often get recognised as a different nationality. pffff. maybe i should get a citizenship in korea one day, i feel honoured to be asked if im a korean, not so when acknowledging a singaporean and even sulk when asked if a PRC. i am ashamed to be not-so-proud of being a singaporean. now see what the k-pop wave has done to young souls like me, brainwashing us into a vastly different culture that exists in the other hemisphere..

impromtu-s

2010-06-21T19:33:00.005+08:00

i got my virgin refereeing experience yesterday. at first i stunned. then i panicked. then i stunned upon double-checking that they were serious about it. then i had the mindset of screw-it-lah the moment i decided to place HD's whistle into my mouth. expectedly, i flunked the entire process. haha. here are a couple of stuff i gotta improve on:
1. blow the whistle harder. the air coming out from my lungs should have the capacity to blow an ant off its feet..
2. speed up when i need to but do not run too fast.
3. stand at the 6m line and goal lines at appropriate times.
4. walk in front of everyone in your way along the aile of the pool. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE REFEREE.
5. stand PROPERLY and show the hand signal long enough for everyone to see CLEARLY.
6. SHOW THE CORRECT HAND SIGNAL.
7. be 101% ALERT. (to curb this problem, i intend to take supplements for the eyes and mental alertness..)
8. take note WHO FOULED. WHO SHOT. WHO SUBSTITUTED. and if applicable WHO IS INJURED.
9. show the same hand signal as your fellow referee regardless of who blew the whistle.
10. stay firm at your decisions after you blew. do not be swayed by players' rebuttal.sigh. it takes so much to be a good referee.

i got to drive the car for a short journey home from lunch today. still shaky because my arms had to stretch out straight to reach the steering (dad doesnt like people to adjust his car =.= and he has really looonggggg arms.) so it was kinda difficult to keep it straight and steady.. but at least i didnt flunk until i had to park the car :/ or when he intercepted my actions during driving..
dad: (sits behind the driver seat)OHH. its so much clearer sitting at the back.
me: ok. maybe you could install a steering wheel there for me next time (:
all was fine until i reached a junction where the light was red and so i braked early and gently until i came to a stop.
dad: why did you brake so early? this is too far! go nearer, nearer!
i obeyed and released the brake for the automatic car to probe forward a little.
dad: somemore! somemore! why you so scared? nearer!!
me: HUH... but very near already..
dad: LIKE THAT WHERE GOT...*stuns* aiyoh. in front got car ah, no wonder you didnt approach the white line.. from my angle cannot see mah..
THANKS DAD, I ALMOST GOT MY FIRST CAR BUMPING EXPERIENCE...

i know. i know. i know u waited long.

2010-06-07T17:25:00.001+08:00

2010-06-02T22:06:00.002+08:00

i love. everything about this sport.
how should i approach, to inflict the least disappointment and pain?

blueday.

2010-04-29T22:54:00.003+08:00

ok. im tired. but i still wanna blog.
with my alternating blue braces on, i wore a blue striped shirt to bugis to meet stepffie. ok. bought 2 leggings, one of which is blue, a huge blue top which i came home to realise i underestimated my butt size =.= and a blue jumpsuit that fits too perfectly because i prefer it not to stick too close to me..
oh wells. im happy. although i dont think i answered my second last paper well today, i think i expected that kinda standard of questions anyway. so im not devastated.
ahhh. was either smiling in bliss (nope. not guys. it was pure bliss and thankfulness from deep withing) or a frequent spastic huge wide grin to myself (this occurs whenever a person i enjoy seeing comes to my mind. i seriously think i need to learn to hide emotions from facial and body languages..)
stepffie is pretty although she was late (irrelevance within sentence structure i know. or you could form a causeway link saying she was late because she was trying to doll up. but no. we all know it wasnt.)but anyway, i thank you so much for going out with my today. it might not have meant much, but i really enjoyed the accompany and talks. and oh yes, the amusing comments you give occasionally (:
oh my. my paragraphs are so messed up. ok. dont care. i enjoy my randomness.
other interesting things that happened tonight are: everyone at the dinnertable today was wearing blue; i broke the showerhead holder, but it was really really weakened by rust in the first place; i am at home; i went shopping in the midst of my exams; i wore my heels in my room just now..at home.. yeah, wtf did i do that? vanity lah; i really need to grow more boobs.
ok. i cant remember much already.

2010-04-27T17:17:00.002+08:00

oh. i do not know why i choose this time to blog.

but i just had a weird dream again.

sleeping on a stomach of lunch and immediately after exams might have been the cause :/

i dreamt about 2 guys, 3 girls, my school, after an exam, waiting(i think my dream lingered alot on this),and a broken guitar that is made in germany(was upsettingly wondering how to compensate the owner = the one i was waiting). O_O notice how i connect such irrelevant details so subconsciously. and to add on to the queeriness.. 3 are from current, 1 is from jc and the last is a PRC classmate from my secondary school. to an extent, you could say that these individuals are completely unrelated individuals. ahh. i need a dream analyzer and this is what i found. (today i seem so.. 'eng'. usually i just brush it off my mind.)

weirddreams.net

Meaning of dreams about Boy
If you are female and dream that you see or are a boy, then it indicates that you are developing the masculine aspects of character (haha dont deny, shant deny) . Alternatively, it may represent your feelings about a real-life boy who is important and significant to you (OOOOWW) . You may have a crush (eeerrr. GGXX lol)on this boy and your waking thoughts of him have carried over into the dream world. Your motherly instincts (oh great. thanks =.=) may be taking over. If you are an adult male and dream that you see or are a boy, then it suggests your playful, innocent, childlike nature. Alternatively, it can symbolize the immature aspects of yourself that still needs to grow. Your inner child may be trying to draw your attention to parts of yourself that you need to recognize and acknowledge.
Meaning of dreams about Friend
To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected (huh, i am?! T-T) , but are ready to integrate this rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news. To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may want to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood (OH YEAH. VERY important during times like examinations) . Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manner and you need to start acting like an adult. To dream that your best friend is dying, suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possesses is dying within your own self.
Meaning of dreams about Girl
To see a girl in your dream, represents your playful, innocent, and childlike nature (O_o) . Perhaps you have been behaving prematurely. To dream about a girl that you just met, represents your anxieties and thoughts of whether you had made a good impression on her and what she thought of you. If she told you that she disliked you in the dream, then it may be an excuse for you to dismiss her and not pursue a relationship that is beyond friendship. For a man to dream that he is a girl, signifies that he aspires to be an actor and play female parts.
Meaning of dreams about School (ahhhhh. boring.)
To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about performance and abilities. You may also be going through a (spiritual learning) experience. If you are still in school and dream about school, then it will naturally serve as a backdrop to your dream world. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.
Meaning of dreams about Guitar
To dream that you have or play a guitar, represents passion and emotion. It also relates to sexual connotations and may signal an erotic dream. To see an unstrung or broken guitar, signifies disappointments in love (hmm. can it be that i worried more about that i have to pay a huge sum? MADE IN GERMANY LEHHH.) .
Meaning of dreams about Waiting
To dream that you are waiting, is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship (get lost. why is it always about relationship) . Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting (i felt neglected. but i kept on waiting for that person to return. anyway i was mugging, so i mugged and waited.) . Alternatively, it may denote your expectations and anxieties about some unknown situation or result. You are ready to take action.

oooh. so quite interesting. hmmm. ok. tells quite abit of my current situation haha. oh wells. time to get back to mugging. happy being entertained with that webbie people!

BY THE WAY. the picture above is edited by myself. haha. it IS a bed. supposed to be a nightmare bed. and i edit until it looks like a plant cell under light microscopy or something, aint it cool? haha. ok. when i have more time, i'll edit more pictures and post them up (:

2010-04-23T21:28:00.002+08:00

suddenly i feel so privileged to be living in an era or youtubes, facebook and talent shows. for some unknown reason, im thankful to people who dared to put themselves in the spotlight and showcase their talents. just to name a few, susan boyle, taiwanese whitney houston lin yu qun, whitney herself, terry lin zhi xuan, jennifer huston and christina aguilera. within the time span of a few youtube videos, i no longer take for granted these gifted people i see. but i still expect and want to see more. how greedy. of course, i havent considered talents in other areas, and especially those who trained and worked themselves up.

not trying to make a statement, just an expression. so i can go beyond adoration to appreciate the true beauty behind every single event, individual and detail.

then there's other things i take for granted too. i guess i can never be fully satisfied with what i get in life. else, i'd probably be the happiest yet also the be the last in everything.

yes no? doesnt appreciation take away your desire to earn more, go further, to compete?

day out to mug

2010-04-21T13:37:00.002+08:00

HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY JWONG!!

been some time since we dressed up abit and meet up for a meal. pity renu couldnt afford the time or cost to find us dining some ATAS meal at holland village where we saw ourselves oogling between at the male waiter(i think his electrocuting smile did the job), the dory in our plates and a super thick indulgeful banana choc fudge sprinkled with gold dust. dessert was served with elegance but i was more of, OH QUICK QUICK EAT. LATER NOT NICE LIAO kinda mood. so oh wells~ seet figured she isnt suited for such classy ambience, i wondered if i should think so too.

then again, i think i was more of ZZzz mode after meeting up seet at 24hr macs at harbourfront centre, where we both questioned "why did we choose to wake up so early. zomg. cant mug" so wasnt really the type of demure lady you would expect haha.

went to NUS central library where i stranded myself for the next 8 hours before hitching a ride from char's pap home. ooohh. quite accomplished?? maybe? just that, i need to revise all that i've studied once again. little seems to be sticking onto my neurons.

got a change in braces colour too. (: and my orthdontist added extra hooks for gawd knows what reason. i just know i need to plan my schedule real tight so it wont affect my chances of playing next year :/

忍

2010-04-19T01:27:00.002+08:00

你的冷言冷语.. 我会继续忍下去. 不过，你知道也好，不知道也好，我真的不喜欢听. 心里也真是憋闷.

2010-04-15T15:22:00.004+08:00

“我们先做好朋友，好吗？”
dont be selfish.
dont be compulsive.
dont.
just dont dont think too much when it comes.

T_T

2010-04-12T20:05:00.002+08:00

what used to be nice friendly harmful is turning into a tactless insensitive machine.

not even a monster.

i feel. lost.

quick quick look back before its too late.

find find what has eaten into me. into my soul. ):

or. is this plain reality?

SPOC ceases :/

2010-04-03T21:08:00.004+08:00

no idea what went wrong again. everything was so perfect yesterday and so happy. and maybe it's the moody weather, the lack of awesome laughter-prone activities and the thought of letting some people down.

no it's not the qualifying game we lost today, but something tells me i, or rather we, lost in our own game. im not being harsh on the team, i felt we did our best, but seems still not enough to meet their expectations.. although they keep emphasizing that we have potential, we've done well so far, etc. yeah, we did learn quite some stuff, like teamwork not just in the pool but also in terms of physical effort, new strategies, increased tolerance to unfair ref calls, more ingrained courtrules...and that winning is not everything. indeed. i just silently tell myself, we'll shine better during nationals. YEAH BABY.

in the meantime, we need to even more learn to tolerate each other's misgivings. politely send out reminders. uphold duties beyond our positions and bear in mind to think many instead of one. *nods vigorously

RAWR. so it's back to mugging for me while the other teams sent in continue to fight for top placings(all the best to them).

*shrugs.

2010-03-20T12:24:00.003+08:00

found this interesting blog and i think i'd refer to it whenever im in trouble.

to those to went back on their words. knowingly or not.

to those who ain all-rounded.

this is what i want but shouldnt want.
this is what i need.

to those who comments

2010-03-14T23:47:00.002+08:00

长话短说。

表面上再多么的强悍，实际上心里是更加的脆弱。

让自己这么束手无策，同样的，也让身边的人不知所措。

自深感无奈。

好辛苦，好心苦。

2010-03-13T12:07:00.002+08:00

i am damn tired.

physically.

mentally.

emotionally.

you can simply put it : my health has 'plateaued.' i do not know how much more i can push myself. and suddenly i dont feel like giving it a damn.

suddenly i feel like letting go of what i've been trying to sustain so much since i enter the big glorious university life. then just die out. afterall we all will die sooner or later and unless we're some genius or lady luck's bestie, everything on earth will still stay unaffected..even when we turn into ashes. people always say treat everyday like the last day on earth--live it to the fullest. since my definition of "fullest" isnt spending time holding stationaries, i wanna spend it elsewhere, which unfortunately most are not considered socially beneficial. sigh. im so contradicting. it's either im living each day "too full" due to consecutively packed timetables and activities or that i feel like all these aint what i aim for in life, i spend my days too wastefully.

i couldnt spend sufficient time with my family, my friends out of this caged university. in fact, i couldnt even find time to meet good friends from the faculty just a block away! this sucks.

but. these are times i tell myself, "live on. for you have people who care, who geniuinely love you, despite the temporal and spatial separation." and to add on, i tell myself, "in the process of achieving long term goals, more often than not, it is the experience that counts rather then the final result. thus experience is what you get. and since it is consistently felt, it gives you a motivation continue. isnt it?"

so sick and tired. i wanna recover. but it seems.. mind over body, mind over body, mind over body... my mind isnt giving my body the chance. and now my mind's determination is wearing out, i get short-tempered and REALLY emotional. i couldnt believe i cried when my senior simply commented, "you paddle very slow lehh.." WTF.

zomg. im trying to psycho myself to be optimistic. how pathetic is this.

i wanna find a personal space.

and a nobody's shoulder to lean on.

and let it out.

i am fucking tired.

2010-03-05T20:12:00.005+08:00

alrighty, since im sorta categorised well-off bored now, might as well i'll take this chance to type a little.

been sick since gawd knows when. but it was probably the worst and longest im suffering from. yeah, lack of rest might have been the factor but i guess unluckiness that hasnt worn out is the main reason.

literally felt like it was my last night on this not-so-appealing world at my trough (is that how i should say it?) i shivered from within the entire night despite dressed in sleeves and long pants and curdling in bed. (some people said i had fever but the absence of a thermometer couldnt prove it) i lowered the fan speed and stared in amazement at my roomie who tossed and turned, eventually kicking her blanket to the corner of her bed. gosh. that night was hell.

(hell as it were, memories of the dead drew in. was this how they suffered on their own before they got to the other side? seriously, everyone's got their own problem to encounter, even at the face of death. man, created social but made to be independent. how ironic. i couldnt help tearing in helplessness)

i then woke up to a terrible headache and skipped morning class. the thought of having to travel at least 30minutes to the school clinic (yes even though it's within the school. the internal bus route just makes my life even more miserably ulu-ated) and waiting at least another 30minutes to see the doctor who might just conveniently issue you some panadol killed the idea of going anywhere out of my room. in the end, with a panadol popped (thanks to my roomie), i survived a lab and a lecture that day. as for training, obviously i skipped it.

for some reason i didnt go to see the doctor until i found time on thursday's break. O_O and to make things weirder, i landed myself at the school's TCM clinic... (oh. alright. i think it was because the clinic was closed at the times i wanted to patron. -___- )

the sinseh looked, felt and questioned. then a bunch of seniors marched in with chairs and repeated similar questions, only that this time i had to answer mulitple times and stay still or in motion longer. everyone figured i was recovering since my pulse felt normal, my tongue's "cleaner" and i show little symptoms of being ill except continuous coughing. maybe i should have emphasized that i drowned liangteh since 2 days ago and ate a couple of panadols too. all prior to seeing the doctor. so i left the clinic with some medicinal mixture (seems like those ogar potion when added to hot water) and both my thumbs pierced to "release blood".

so up till here, no one in my family has got any clue..

so anyway this was the cat that climbed 4 storeys amusing my neighbours and into my room. it happened some time last week too. the thought then it might threaten the humming bird nest at one of the laundry lines later came into our minds. luckily it was unharmed that night. ( today i woke up in horror to see the next devastated into parts. but i didnt see any chicks nor eggs. HOPEFULLY they flew)

had a friendly against NUS on a SUPER SCORCHING following SUNDAY. and then i turned red and freaking heaty only until wednesday. and to make things worse, i didnt manage to complete my course of chinese potions. [ 1. i couldnt find time to stick to proper meals. like when i wake up late and stuff. (havent managed to stick properly to any course since last year begun. WHY HUH. ) 2. i MUST wash the cup after taking the medicine. i usually dont wash if i just drain plain water. 3. the potion is disgustingly hard to ingest. ] and point 3 is the dominant factor FYI.

(uhhh. forgot to say my eyes, especially the right one, has been bloodshot since last thursday.. i thought it's better. but i just woke up from a nap and shrieked in horror at the mirror. SAD. )

while most already begun their recess week since last saturday, mine begins this coming saturday NIGHT. exam on thursday couldnt be more welcoming followed by a graded business presentation today. then there's training tomorrow morning and a couple of friendlies at night. AWWW MAN. the only consoling part is, i didnt get to go gaigai but my besties at NUS couldnt go out with me anyways.

ok. so im whining. again. :/ *sigh. thought this might become a more intellectual piece of work.

OH. AND MY CRACKED HALL CARD COST 50BOMBS. SIGH. now even my mama hates my hall. which explains my facebook status : na ge office yao fang huo shao diao. yupp. i simply quoted my mama. HAHAHA.

jerry rekindles

2010-03-02T16:20:00.001+08:00

zomg. im turning back into the "little girl" i was back in primary 6. O_O

so damn looking forward again.

2010-02-21T23:50:00.002+08:00

i am so freaking happy.

i clubbed on friday night.

cabbed there with some cost-sharing with prissy.

danced till zouk closed.

grabbed 2.5 hours of sleep.

before waking up sober for training.

amazing.

no wonder i slept 13hours the following night.

SINGLE cheeseburger

2010-02-04T23:26:00.003+08:00

today someone asked me why im still single.
i came up with a list of reasons:

relationship is a 2 sided thing what. not that i like/love then i get the relationship what. no one jio, how to get one? haha. then guys always say they dont like girls to jio them, they feel disgusted O_O and i add to that, the more likely he's not gonna cherish the girl.
at the moment, no crushes. nothing. gone. hopeless. -.-
i like to look at pretty girls that freak guys out.
today i said i cut my hair because i broke up with my girlfriend. unfortunately or not, the guys heard it as "i hooked up with my girlfriend" and i never or rather havent got to made it clear that im actually straight =.= GGXX
im afraid of what goes beyond being in a relationship. the amount of effort you have to put in to maintain the relationship so it doesnt just goes bland and fade away and neither would it turn sour.
having a boyfriend now would perhaps hectify my uni life further because i havent been coping well so far in semester 2. i wake up finding my eyelids half opened but yet my heart beating like i just did a run. family life has lost its balance in me. im desperately trying to get it back by going back every weekend, making it a point to sit at the dining table for a meal rather than doing my usual routine of stationing myself in front of the TV.
then again it'd be nice to know that you have someone to look forward to. to share your troubles. to go to places your parents/friends are unlikely to go. and even if they go, the feel is totally different.

aiyah. freak. why am i posting this up near valentine's. =.=

ok im weird. or not.

today, my friend told me another "friend" commented on me being not up to that rj intellectual standard. at first i was mad. then i thought and thought. perhaps it's simply because he speaks whatever that comes out to his mind, doesnt bother to make things sound nicer. and at least he says it out. i hate people who keep their thoughts and make me ponder. and and and.

so what? a rafflesian doesnt always have to be intellectual. it good to be silly(kinda explains the title) and adapt to where you are. this way you can communicate with anyone in the world (:

alright. why am i so optimistic suddenly :/

see you 11 months later

2010-02-01T16:41:00.002+08:00

the surprise farewell cum belated birthday party was screwed up everywhere since thursday, or was it friday? oh wells. it's in a way a good thing. each of us (totally of 3 = me + ks + syah ) got to spend more time with whatever time we had since we delayed and delayed until there was less than an hour we could spend at her place.

i met seet's mom and dad twice because the stuff were missing. HMM. yea anyway was running round the market place downstairs at my place to get and replace whatever that was missing the moment i woke up. actually. seet's mom woke me up HAHA. WHOOPS.

the actual situation was far from what was originally being planned. and im not even referring to the ANCESTRAL ORIGINAL PLAN. LOL. met the 2 fellows at somewhere at 3.30pm and we walked round and round hunting for a cake (specifically a slice of cake) and something renu could carry around closely no matter where she goes. AND WE FOUND IT! like finally. we finally head to her house at close to 5pm after seet mom passed me the last book to complete the set of 3Rs : recipes, remedies and randoms. =====>> it was like another PW. but way more rushy yet fufilling.

so, great thanks to seet ks syah jh char jwong lindan for.. you know what.

spoke a bit more to renu before i headed off to chop my hair off. HMM.

why chop?

because my gf is leaving me. ok crap.

WE LOVE YOU RENU (:

PHOTOS!

2010-01-22T00:38:00.005+08:00

pardon my thighs. i know. i need to slim down. else i wont b able to fit into the canoe sooner or later..and it's called tragedy.

3-on-3 teamies. from some retarded person, our group got names eyebrows. but i think it isnt as bad as eyebags or queer like eyeballs. LOL

went to bodyworlds at the sciencecentre where we relate every specimen to the nearest object we could relate to. such as the wobbly dividing fertilised egg as tauhuay... and plasticised placenta as a out-of-shape pizza. indeed educational. felt bad staring so hard to observe details of each specimen. kinda wondered why most specimens are males too. OH. I HEARD THIS 5 OR 6 YEAR OLD BOY EXCLAIMING, " EH! THIS ONE GOT BOOBS LEH! IS A GIRL!"

camwhoring. the best part of the lab. ok. now we got new hobby, staring at the teacher assistants who look good. WOOHOO. HAHAHHAHA. hey. culturing and then counting bacteria is really boring ok. and STINKY! DONT LIKE!!

i just like candids sometimes more than staring at the camera. NB: provided i look good (:

i know. a blog gets boring when the contents of the text is irrelevant to you. and there is no peektures. so explains the 5 random photos. in chronological order? i think so? HECK LAH.

poor ntu driver

2010-01-22T00:17:00.004+08:00

someone says i should update. ok. let me cut and paste some stuff so i can get to bed earlier(ROOMIE ALREADY IN BED! WHOOPS!)

was referred to a stomp page showing our NTU driver and a old woman knocked down at the side with bruises. time was 945am.. date i do not know. NAH. the link: old_woman_kenna_knocked_by_ntu_driver

me:
haiyo. both parties at fault. but i think i pity the driver
poor
he says:
crazy
the drivers are mad
me:
eh... 9 sth is still bz hour..
so many cars driving ard..
then this
old lady cycles on the road
he says:
then cycle
where!
me:
pavement lah.
he says:
pavement is for
WALKING
me:
even motorcycles are v din deh
alrdy
he says:
apparently u dun take enough bus
me:
watmore
it's BICYCLE
haha. i always take their bus can
and i pity them
whole
day sit in the bus.... alone. so lonely.
plus u cant exactly blame them for
driving fast. so many pple waitin to take the pioneer bus cannn
yah i know
pavement is for walking.. in this case, isnt it better and safer to cycle on the
pavement
SOMEMORE there's road construction.. even more dangerous

this guy says i think alot. :/

2010-01-13T00:48:00.002+08:00

HD HD HD HD HD HD HD. kenna suaned by HD again. NNNNNNNNNNNNBBBB.

incident 1: trying to kiao him, i.e. push his boat away. but was freaking tired out from previous rows and ball throws. HD says "shuo yi jiao ni shao chi fan! (translates to: that's why i told you to eat less rice)" NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNBB.

incident 2: did extra set of a particular exercise, eh no. is extra SETS. so i commented with a huge grin, so that means we can do less washboards lah (washboard= leglifts whereby your partner constantly pushes it down whenever u raise it up.) then HD stares at me and says "where is your stomach you tell me?" (he tells me i have a huge tummy )))))): )

incident 3: was doing one of the most basic boat skill, hand-roll, whereby you use your hand to get back to surface from capsized position. i wasnt confident plus i was capped near the wall, OF COURSE I COULDNT DO IT PROPERLY. so happens HD was like barely 2 metres away watching. he WIDENED HIS EYES. SIGHED and SLOUCHED. DROPPED HIS HEAD. then SHOOK HIS HEAD. omg. NIGHTMARE. that scene lingers on in me...

incident 4: (ok lah. partially i gave him the chance to suan me. BUT HE CANNOT DISCREET ABIT MEH.) polo ball flew behind fence so i kindly went to get it but inserting my hand through the gaps of the fence to lift the ball on the other side.. the fence was high so i climb it abit to lift the ball up higher... HD shouts from somewhere amongst the crowd "yingshi ba yao pa! the fence cannot support ni. (translates to: dont climb the fence, it cannot support your weight.)" KNNBCCB.

incident 5: unable to do a relatively new boat skill in which weight would be an advantage. HD FAILED ME in it. then afterwards, he commented "yingshi you heavy weight leh. why --- can do but you cannot?" KNS. then he proceeded on to asking for my weight, asking it behind my back. WAH LIEW EH.

HD is an absolute brother character. he is nice. but so brotherish. bo pian. haha.

你真的寂寞死了

2010-01-05T16:01:00.003+08:00

1st january 2010:

"I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another"

how come it seems like you're still alive, just sound asleep.

2010

2010-01-01T00:49:00.003+08:00

i should be doing countdowns or enjoying rain's fashion concert show. but i found myself grasping at tissue paper ): not a very pleasant way to enter into a new year which i sincerely pray would be better.

visited darling baiwan again today for the third consecutive day. my mom seemed to be stopping me from going because i tear each moment i see the dreadful plight of this bony cat with one eye filled with pus, a sore gum and a faeces-stained butt.

"she's only left with half out of nine lives" i overheard my mom and i crashed my face into the bed. im really keeping hopes as low as it may be that she'll get through. i was reflecting throughout the day while most people were busy with work, friends or even making up their wishlist. i started to find myself a selfish bitch. there she is suffering and with angels surrounding her to bring her to a better place with no pain but im constantly praying that she doesnt leave me. i seem to have neglected the torture she's going through, the poor standard of living, the pain as nutrients in the form of food gets forced down her throat and most importantly the loneliness she's facing. she made me realise that perhaps, it's really time to move on. maybe she figured that i no longer need her (WHICH I SWEAR! I SWEAR DEEPLY! I SWEAR WITH MY LIFE..is not true..) so she is making her leave and at the same time, she allows me to move forward away from the past that has been bugging me.

but i hope it aint true.

i hope she's struggling to live, i hope she gets through this tough stage of her life, hold on to her last breath, HOLD ON and you shall recieve more. i havent done what i promised. i havent brought you home. i havent played with you in the longest time, in fact i havent played with you at all since i was made to stay in this new address and the old home got emptied. im terribly sorry. i havent brought you happiness but sorrow these 2 years. but HANG ON. dont leave me yet.

i am so disturbed.

2009-12-30T21:14:00.003+08:00

~~im so picking up my skinny darling home one of these days.~~ im so making my mom and dad agree to picking up my skinny darling home one of these days. but argh, need to bug my aunt for the cage. which is like making us feel like we owe her, alright, actually we seem to do most of the time considering how she showers us with presents by the boot and exotic fruits by cartons.. :/
results didnt cheer me up much but i guess it didnt fail me either, afterall something has to pay back for me staying in hall for ONE ENTIRE MONTH. shant flaunt it shant dwell on it.
ok. im really bored with a burnt face now. -.-

I WANT MY DEAREST HOME.

2009-12-30T07:24:00.002+08:00

who signs in at 7am. ME
who goes to school despite a flu. ME (ok. im recovering yay)
who goes all the way home although she knows she has to be in school early morning the next 2 consecutive days. ME
alright. im driving myself up the wall. and im beginning to develop the i dont want to sleep in hall syndrome. LIKE REALLY REALLY. but that's probably because it's hall alone throughout the holidays :/ and my roomie really doesnt care about the room haha. anyway, speaking of loneliness, it's definitely important to have available kind souls around in this technologically-controlled hall. i left my access card in the toilet yesterday and was frantically knocking on doors in which i thought humans would be behind it. heng toilet aunties exists. IMAGINE THIS SITUATION ON A WEEKEND. THEN NO ONE CAN SAVE ME! (fyi: the access card gives entry to the girl's hall, the toilet and most importantly, MY ROOM. )
ok. im so bored i might just start blogging a second post sometime later in the day.

troubled

2009-12-28T12:24:00.003+08:00

i love you.

maybe i posted too many happy post. that's why im back to emo-ing. *big sigh*

it started with repetitive sneezing fits and continuously dripping runny nose. then a slight sore in the throat and then reduced appetite and now a blocked nose and a heavy head. it didnt just stop here. took the chance to visit my dearest at her pet shelter on saturday after feeling i-am-totally-not-in-the-shape-to-touch-water(water training) or to-breathe-town-air(LD gathering). afterall, havent seen her for a month or two.

i broke into tears the moment i felt her spine and lifted her frail body out of her box. her pupils were dilated as if she just got anesthesized. suddenly i felt as if she was leaving me. the thought of how i missed dachi's last breath by just a kilometer away from the hospital thrashed my broken heart further. i cannot afford to lose another childhood playmate. (for those who dont know, my life in primary school revolves around cats and dogs because maids that i used to rely on are often switched and my parents and siblings often not with me.)

im praying. praying real hard that she'll eat. and regain her wildful energy to resist control, even if it means scratching blood out of me. sadistic i know, but the bond is beyond words. ): and this period feels like a crucial moment.

"please. if you need to go, at least go in my arms. in the comfort zone of a proper home away from that pet shelter that offers you no warmth. )))):"

back from MONSTER training camp

2009-12-24T17:24:00.004+08:00

i looked down at the pair of tan shiny hands. NOPE. not my sister's, they're mine.. OH FREAK. my hands are officially as tan as my sister's after breaking out free from canoepolo training camp. never had i done so much "twinklestars"(you basically lift up your arms perpendicular to the front or sides of your body and flick your fingers 20 times X no. of people X number of rounds..sometimes X no. of sets) or pushups or chinups(assisted duh) or dips or bathed so much in a span of 3 days..SHAGGED. i came home and drop dead for 14 hours on bed.

reported on sunday night because seniors fear people will be late for 6.15am 3-4km run afterwhich THEN we proceeded for breakfast. probably because we couldnt sleep well the night before, by lunch we felt it was day 2 already which unfortunately, hell has yet to befall. ): ok so land training water training feeding time more training and blah blah blah. thankfully the next morning's run was slighting later at 7am where there was LIGHT and i could SEE WHAT I WAS STEPPING ON EACH STRIDE I TAKE. THANKFULLY. breakfast again and more trainings and trainings.. ok. a short 1.5hr game of handball and that was the only irrelevant part of the training. sad. was looking forward to day 3 games initially until senior R shocked us that it was canoepolo games. fun to her but to shagged-from-day-1 juniors, AW MAN! when we finally thought the camp was over, "SURPRISE!" let's go diving pool do pushups/crunches before heading in for dips. *faints* im totally not looking forward to the next training camp. haha. although i brought this upon myself lol. those hungry and bonding and food proceeded on to west mall for sakae buffet(I DONT LIKE SUSHI. BUT I DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE. =.=)

so here's generally how i look now:

brown hair. bleached from chlorine, especially under the sun which increased the reaction rate.
super uneven tan. wherever's covered = fair. wherever's not = red-brown-orange
huge bruises on hands and legs, especially the shin. surprisingly, none was due to paddles. the bruise on my hand was during the handball game whereas those on my shin and knee were due entrance and exit of canoe and during roll-overs(the act of turning over when you capsize)
eyes. normal. but they was kinda red from exhaustion and all the sun at the pool for 3 consecutive days.
blistered hands, especially the right. situation worsened when im being trained a goalkeeper. FYI: in a game of canoepolo, everyone attacks and defends together so that means the goalkeeper can also row forward to shoot. and if the ball gets to the opponent, the goalkeeper has to "sprint" back for the goal. GGXX. I DONT HAVE SPEED HOWWW. *in lady gaga's speechless tone* HOOOOWWW... HOOOWW..

thank goodness my body dont ache as much now. i still have difficulty lifting up my arm though lol. in the meanwhile, i see my family amused at the helmet i brought home from canoepolo. my brothers and sister were happily passing around to try in on and walk around the house while my mom said it's too loose (which was why i brought it home to apply cushion to fit my head size) and looks too fragile (NO IT ISNT) so she ingeniously suggested that GO BUY A MOTORCYCLE HELMET LAH. BETTER PROTECTION SOMEMORE CAN SEE CLEARLY. she hasnt seen how a canoepolo game goes about and if she does, she'll understand why my face is hehind a steel cage instead of a clear sheet of plastic (because it'll simply get scratched by any paddles that comes right up to your face accidentally or not, if it doesnt shatter that is.)

i didnt realise how i felt emotionally after the camp until my brother said i was all smiles, despite all the whining i had at him the moment i stepped into the house. like duh. MONSTER CAMP. REALLY. REALLY REALLY. but maybe i smiled so much cause i know camp has ended or maybe from the buffet lunch which we ended at freaking 5.30pm that day or maybe im simply thankful for everything (excludes the part about me and my eyecandy. GAWWWWWWWWD. i think he's giving me stares because he knows it. HE KNOWS IT. and somehow, i just freeze and distract myself. THEN AGAIN. it's just eyecandy, i have many. so i think... let them niao me like how they niao senior R lor..)

im also kinda mad about SMRT causing a delay which led to me taking 3 times the time (i.e. 1.5hrs in total) i take to journey home, especially when i was so shagged from camp, carrying so MANY and HEAVY stuff, have no place to sit and have to squeeze like sardine. apparently the train broke down or something before it reached the next stop after i boarded from bukit batok. so several hundred of tired and innocent soul who soon became pissed off were stuck on the track for 20minutes. the train accelerated and braked frequently like a super inconfident learner driver at the wheel all the way till bukit gombak station. frankly, my legs and back were giving way and i wanted to puke(i just ate buffet if you remember). so the whole train of passengers had to evacuate and wait for the next train and the next and the next (cause every train was packed and only a handful could enter.) vulgarities were hurled and many took taxis. buses? many were used to taking train such that everyone were dumbfounded at the bus to take home. indeed, mrt has played an important part of our lives since the 90s. as for me, i took my time at sat down at the platform seat the moment i had my chance until 7pm. so in a way, you could say i took 1hr to travel from bukit batok to bukit gombak(which was just one stop away). how nice. i wanted to lodge a complain, but i guess i'll leave that to the rest of the public who can argue their way better. anyway to SMRT, im just a nobody.

for now, im kinda bothered over the paddle issue. im pretty sure i will get one, but am on second thoughts of getting one on my own, unless i get a secondhand. but now that im quite set on being a goalkeeper, im restricted to getting one of a certain length. RAWR. kinda irritated actually. hopefully i can take things slowly (but senior YX says im slow. HE ALWAYS SAYS IM SLOW =.=) so even if things dont go as expected. i can remain calm and SMILE. ahhh. christmas is about giving and appreciating. i thank senior YX for giving such a programme and i thoroughly appreciated it, and without sacarsm.

poor britney

2009-12-16T17:50:00.002+08:00

was viewing maria carey's then leona's videos and was totally awed by these female singers.. then i came across leona singing britney's video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHBG_5YZIgU&NR=1

it's depressing to see how she got transformed from a college girl to what many call a bitch now. she's at the drugs and post-teenage crisis like "how come other (college) people can have sex but i cant?", "why cant i have a boyfriend who doesnt care about me about a superstar or not?" and stuff like that. sad. admit it, she CAN sing and CAN dance. and like everyone, she has her other side of the story that is deeply buried in the music industry.

a bitch or not, i think i admire her. im actually looking forward to listening to her songs everytime i hook myself on youtube. hmm.

2009-12-14T15:54:00.001+08:00

pardon the screwed up format below. something's terribly wrong with blogger nowadays. :/

a little bit here a little bit there

2009-12-14T15:35:00.003+08:00

class outing at suntec. had nothing better to do. so we went to the arcade and found ourselves stuck to the neoprints machine. ~~cheap~~ free-thrill manz.
was browsing through facebook and i found this!

cycling with my 2 darlings at a recent trip to ECP. i think screwed it up well. haha (:

DEH REAL NEOPRINTS.

national day celebration turned out to be an footwork practise session..

EXCITING MEETUPS (:

2009-12-10T21:43:00.011+08:00

(photos are not with me. perhaps you'll catch them on facebook. or when im bored, i'll copy over to my blog) woohoo. in a span of 2 days (but actually if you're niao and go and count, it's less than 24 hours), i caught up with all my beloved babes! YAY. i am so thankful.
training on tuesday was DEADLY. haha. combined training really meant combined. at first, second, third and up till the time i assembled for training, i was still thinking that OH. IT'S JUST DOING THE SAME STUFF WITH LESSER REPETITIONS AND LESSER INTENSITY. freak. gawd knows the poor few of us(girls) suffering from post-examinations-fitness-failure were made to run in front of the guys. O_O (perhaps from my seniors point of view, it meant that i become deprived of motivation from my eyecandy -_-" I SWEAR HE NEVER POPPED IN MY MIND UNTIL THEY MENTIONED HIM. i am a very focused fellow at trainings) i guessed the initial plan was to make us do circuits as we RUN the entire round of NTU. but after several stations of pushups, pullups, crunches, scissor-kicks and dips, the girls spilt up from the guys, reducing our routine by approximately half. or you could simply put it the other way as that the guys gave up on the girls who ran so slowly~ T_T went for lunch with claire and slyvia after training. we spent 1hour to stone before another hour to eat. WE WERE FREAKING DRAINED. haha. thankfully, the night training wasnt that bad because we all managed to get some nap during the day. (AHH. I CLEANED ~~MY ROOM~~ MINE AND MY ROOMIE'S FLOOR CUPBOARD WINDOW GRILLS TOO. IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES I BURNT ON TUESDAY!) anyway, that would be somewhat close to how i would be going through for my training camp pre-christmas. GOOD LUCK
body is slow so i began aching A LITTLE PUNIE BIT the next day. rushed home hoping to SHOW my face to my mom but i guess the supermarket was more important at that time of the day? -_-" met seet at the mrt station soon after reaching home and WHEEE. the begining of the crazy fuzzy girl story:
i couldnt run with ease. so seet bought 40bucks worth of food from ion alone. and SHE KNOWS WE'RE GOING TO HAVE LUNCH. char and jwong were probably butterflying away in holland village so yea, seet was literally in heaven. ME? HAHA. SPOTTING HOT BABES AND HUNKS OF COURSE. unfortunately none was spotted. lunched off simply at foodrepublic (see the contrast of perspective on food between me and seet..) and catching up with stories of lovelife and schoollife. rushed off to meet ks at cineleisure and yay. KBOX FINALLY. supposed to end at 5.30pm but we figured that we shouldnt go overboard and finally bidded the room goodbye at 6.30pm SURPRISINGLY no one came to shoo us off! so MAYBE we sung too well or MAYBE they were guilty of ks's strawberry yogurt which took 3 hours to came and magically turned into strawberry soda O_O ok. that that's for wed. was supposed to club. but due to unforseen circumstances, i didnt in the end. but it's kind of a BLESSING.
scheduled to meet seet at the same mrt station at 745 this MORNING. talk loads of cock and chicken. hahh. those were the days we always attempt to board the same train to school. arrived at bedok SLIGHTLY too early so we drifted around the hawker centre where seet continue to drool. AT LEAST she bought lesser. renu was faithfully waiting at the 401 bench and i could imagine her in that whiteblousegreenskirt again... we stood at the makeshift busboarding station and finally realised something. IT ONLY OPERATES ON FREAKING WEEKENDS. HAHAHA. IM SUCH A GENIUS. but hey, the bus route directory didnt mention that! before we lose our way and break our legs we proceeded to the counter and I ASKED for directions. yet another embarassing moment. SO BIG A PAPER PASTED ON THE GLASS BLOCKING MY VIEW BUT I DIDNT SEE that it states how to go to ECP. DINGDING. (actually, this scenario is of close resemblence to my colour-blindness test. WHOOOPSIEEE. i guess HISTORY DOES REPEATS ITSELF)
seet says my cycling skills are terrible. haha. dont doubt her words. >.< but that's just because, WELL. after familiarising with a vehicle it's really awkward to be riding something "primitive" again! like, you cant control the steering simply with just a hand or two gentle grips. instead, you have to grab the handles so tightly as if you were not riding, but TEST-RIDING a rollercoaster you invented yourself. then you cant signal left or right nor do you have rear mirrors to look out of cyclists "tailgating" yourself! EVEN WORSE, you cant brake as usual with your foot and you dont have brakelights for those behind you!(explains the near crashes i had behind me today XD) NOW YOU SEE. A BICYCLE DOESNT HAVE ALL THESE TO PREVENT AN ACCIDENT!-------->> SEET AGREED WITH ME TODAY. so renu? YOU BETTER AGREE. HEH.
sigh. im so gonna miss these babes. not yet frankly. but when i get the time alone, perhaps i'll emo about the retarded photos we took, the countless attempts of jumpshots HEH, the strangely remote paths we took, the amount of laughter we had under the baking sun and the evil temptations we tried to do on one another will soon be a fond memory once again. but NO WORRIES. WE SHALL RELIVE IT SOOOOOOOOON! NEXT CHRISTMAS MY DEARS! and people having hangover from clubbing like jwong can join us officially too. HAHA.
*a point of note: my gorilla brother called me a baboon. cause IM RED from sunburns and I CANT SIT PROPERLY thanks to the bike seat*
what an awesome way to start the week. (: but my body aches hasnt gone. AWWWWWWW MANN. i dread basketball 3-on-3 tomorrow. I CANT FREAKING PLAY THE DARN BALL GAME WELL.

post year 1 sem 1 exams.

2009-12-03T22:55:00.003+08:00

yayness. exams are FINALLY over for me. biostatistics a killer that i still dont get, either it's simply because the notes werent sufficient, or that i didnt mug hard enough. but given the plight of my head buzzing with occassional headaches, i think i tried my best. ahh, chemical energetics that tells you all about explosive compounds. i never found it such a breeze. but i S/U-ed it. (S/U means it wont be counted as part of your GPA no matter how well you score. BUT if you get below a C, you need to retake that blardy module) what a waste.

kinda depressing that i didnt get to hang out with my friends like what we used to (those days after all major examinations and minor tests we would go kbox to find out how much lung power had been diminished or simply window shopping to burn extra tyres). it was RAINing cats and dogs it sorta more of drenched my thought of going window shopping especially when i felt like this weight that had been held afloat above my head just dropped. hmm. it sounds weird but perhaps you'll get the idea if i give u an analogy. it's like your survival instincts that's keeping you from blacking out. and when you finally see your rescuers, you surprisingly just couldnt hold on anymore and just drop unconscious right in front of them, not before they come or after they send you to the hospital, it's like RIGHT ON THE DOT. (actually, it's interesting to know that such a reflex is not a myth or drama. it's got something to do with a drop in some neurotransmitter or something. aiyah I FORGOT LAH) so similarly, the moment i know i finished the last word on my last paper, my brain just gushed. like how it feels when you turn upside down for an uncomfortable amount of time. awful but bearable. the aftermath was i was speaking super monotonously. i cant talk and look at the person at the same time, because somehow it used more brainpower and would hurt my head even more. I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

ok, got a ride home from my brother who was initially, dont know reluctant or, simply just too preoccupied to send me home. oh wells. televisioned abit for the brain-dead me and then i stare at the economics notes i brought home. ARGH. head hurts, not because of the dreadful memories of mugging alone 24/7 in hall, but the very basic TO THROW OR NOT TO THROW question. oh my gawd. i feel so useless.

right, so let's proceed on to something more substantial and in a way, less reader-friendly as my blog entry goes on and on and on and on....longer until you dont just see stars, you see the whole galaxy..

dinner was the best time to interact, and get updates of happenings in the country, the neighbourhood, the home and even that very zi cha stall your dad likes to patronise. loansharks have never been part of my life circle. and now i truly appreciate this fact. this foodstall AM had moved to a new location due to steep increase in rent at the original location so my family happily hunted down this new kopitiam. it was amazingly had to navigate it because the carpark was zig-zig-zag-zig-zag.. but uh, i guess it's better by foot, but the thing is, the kopitiam isnt very centrally located! ahh, anyways, amazement turned horror (at least to me) when i saw the kopitiam signboard splashed with red paint. i asked innocently in disbelief, " is that a ritual to glam up the shop and attract customers?" the answer was and i doubt is ever gonna be known. but my sister speculate the doings of loansharks. hmmmm. does this mean AM's gonna move again? besides, the area of the coffeeshop is pretty small, seems unprofitable for a cookshop like theirs.

the conversation then brought attention to a close relative's new house. the previous owner just moved out and my relatives hasnt shifted in, and we already begin to see O$P$ sign at the lift lobby. my oh my. i am devastated. never have my encounters with loansharks and debt collections been so upclose. (actually, it isnt even upclose, but this is enough to induce fear in me. imagine those poor souls living in less safe regions of the world! like JB! like brazil! *faints*) my dad is suspicious of the previous owner, about why they gave up this centrally located house so suddenly, about why they made their benevolent-looking (thanks to CH for providing vocabulary into my blog) old mother move house so unreluctantly, about why the door was so hideously painted with a thick layer of paint... now we hope to settle this privately with the private owner.. ASAP.

my foot's kinda hurting when it rains. it makes me feel old :/// but i guess it's simply due to my last injury. coincidentally, my brother's, sister's and mom's leg all hurt in one way or another. NOW I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO THE TEMPLE SOON. and hopefully, in the next lunar new year, may all things turn better. now im wondering when my birthday wish would come true. it seems the less materialistic you get in your wishes, the less likely it is to come true. why? ): maybe i prayed too hard and too sincere until it sounded fake. can our religious God differentiate actually?

my my. year's coming to an end but luck hasnt gone uphill for my family yet. it's driving nuts and im gonna grow some cactus, eh, not a good idea because my house's pretty clattered so placing an extra cactus might just cause more harm than good. so maybe some secret fengshui book im gonna invest. WISH US LUCK.

in the meanwhile, "holiday" has begun for me. a WHOLESOME holiday of ISG IHG and trainings. WHERE DO I FIND TIME TO DO CATCHING UPS WITH MY DARLINGS?! *wails* looks like i'll have to start weighing opportunity cost once again. to be a slacker (if skip training) or a betrayer (if skip games) or to be a missing soul ( if skip catchups). oh man. my head hurts again.

let's think of something happier, christmas is coming. (ok. how is that a happier thing.)

today shouldnt be a blogging day still.

2009-11-30T19:59:00.007+08:00

i am freaking freaking bored out by notes after notes. especially when i think i understand something, and then DINGDING! the next moment im referring back to the page. and the cycle repeats, viciously. how irritating.

i was browsing through with low hopes http://canoepolo3on3.wordpress.com/ when i was so down after 103 paper. (not that i did well or bad for 103, but it's really a rojak feeling, and it wasnt pleasant at all) then i felt this adrenaline rush, all the people there, the sport, the fun and true life and only life i'd be getting from my last official chapter of studying life. and then i msn-ed senior F who gave me suggestions and how they themselves actually coped. i agreed. in one way or another, we'll definitely overcome it. besides, when you're really stressed up with work, it's good to go for some distractions. NEVERMIND the cost if you can AFFORD and have the PASSION. OPY was telling me just that, thank you. i think my adventurous nature is not gonna be smacked down by the workload. if i really like it, i should go for it. (same goes for you guys)

so im sort of settled back into canoepolo-ing and splurging the big bucks on the sport. afterall, i'll never get to really learn the sport out there let alone touch it once i step foot out of the country. so, i'll just take it that im paying $350 (min.) as a 3 year membership to take up canoe polo "courses" actually, making such calculation, it's kinda worth it actually. think it from the swimming lessons POV (point of view) (some people claim i use too much short forms), you pay for a child rate, 55bucks a month then your child learns it for minimum one year, THAT'S LIKE >$600 BUCKS!! ahh. ok. so im pretty much settled. BUT, definitely im getting a secondhand one though. or listen to senior R and get a NICE guy to share (nice so when it breaks, he doesnt complain but willingly fork up the sum). and then shall squeeze out pathetic time slot during the holidays to work. i know that's not gonna get me anywhere independent, but at least i know im not living off my parents too much. i think i just have to constantly remind myself of who has been financing my education and how they did that in the first place.

played songs after songs. and i found one that was very encouraging:

NO BOUNDARIES

Seconds hours so many days

You know what you want but how long can you wait

Every moment last forever if you feel you've lost your way

What if your chances are already gone

Started believing that I could be wrong

But you give me one good reason to fight and never walk away

Coz here I am — still holding on!

Every step you climb another mountain

Every breathe it's harder to believe you'll make it through the pain

Weather the hurricane to get to that one thing

When you think the road is going nowhere

Just when you've almost gave up on your dreams

Then take it by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher you can go deeper

There are no boundaries above and beneath you

Break every rule coz there's nothing between you and your dreams

ok. so much for the song. im crossing my fingers that i'll stick to this decision.(yeah i know what you're thinking so much for typing so much thought-to-be logic right..)

but dont you just agree that it's better that i talk to more people about it? then again, my mom probably say, don't join. focus on your studies(and lead a mugger life---ok. i added that myself) and my dad would give an ambiguous answer. im wondering what my encouraging brother and sister would say after i tell them about the cost.

(no need to tell me you feel like slapping me to make up my mind. i wanna do that too. but let's keep that to the post-exams)

i kinda apologise and not apologise for the camwhoring photos too. i thought my post would be way too wordy so isnt it entertaining to substitute in some random pictures i took over the semester. im always alone when taking them. oh. talk about loneliness man. my roomie ended her exams in a week. but it's just 2 papers anyway. good for her. i've got 6 for a span of 3 weeks and only 4 down so far. :/ AHHH. so now im alone.

>>sister calls<<

alright. so tonight is a vistor night i suppose? my sister's coming over with food, specifically her dinner...............(ok. i guess you dont wanna hear anymore miscellaneous details)

i'll miss my roomie until i see her next semester. meanwhile, over the december month, im in charge of all the cleaning, or my nose and health would just suffer like crap. grrr. so im gonna dear for her presence especially in the wee hours cause it's really different to open your eyes and see someone physically there rather than an empty bed. in hall, an empty bed is analogous to an empty heart. oh no, imagine i get a single room! im so gonna make friends ALL around.

actually, im already longing to meetup with sweet swan caramel glucose and jwong. (haha. the weird names i gave and i really remember them) my heart's so heavy at the thought of them. perhaps this just added on the the rojak feeling im having back once again.

homerun. bad homerun. despised homerun.

2009-11-29T20:25:00.003+08:00

ahhh. everything's back to square one. when i start to truly enjoy the game, when i find myself staying on wanting to learn more, when i couldnt stop going back because i know my "teammates" will always be there. ( " " used because we're not officially a team yet. just members until we play a match or something-----which makes it even more depressing)

but there's just this one odds. this high barrier putting me back to where i started: which cca should i join. like hello? i thought i've decided on canoe polo after my foot cut my soccerpath, or at least sort of. i was so dead on joining this new unexplored sport, making my stand that i can cope well both in terms of sports and academics. but 40bucks for a helmet PLUS 290 for a second hand paddle is just too much, especially my lifespan as a canoepolo player isnt gonna be firm and concrete. in less than 3 years time, i'll be flying to china. you cant expect me to canoepolo there right? and let the paddle and helmet rot somewhere... if i were to be taking another course, perhaps it'll be no doubt i'll just get it cause i know i can simply continue with it even after graduation. ok say i come back after graduating in china, will i still play? naah, unlikely, by then i'd lost touch with the sport and have to attend to patients rather than players. i feel so guilty and bastard that i talk like this cause it simply sounded like i dont even have any passion for canoe polo. frankly, i do not know myself either. but i do know, i wanna learn the sport, master it, and enjoy it. peservere is everything to me. i hate giving up. i hate being a loser. i hate to have accomplished nothing but achieving the paper that would determine the future salary of mine. im begging you to let me have some life out here.

alright, so say i decide to go with the flow. but i wouldnt even know if i would have the time to continue with training. all the core modules are blowing me off my feet. im looking at my timetable, it's freaking packed. ok not so packed yet but you've got to admit it's quite some load to be already taking 6 papers in the first semester of a freshie. and it'll just be adding on and on and on and on and on... then you're gonna bring in this BMS senior who's also in canoe polo. if she can do it, why cant i? yeah, why not? then i ask myself, does cost really matter? and does cost really NOT matter? to make things even more complicated, i do not know how my jaw op next year would affect my training and performance. if it does, it'll be a really painful opportunity missed. and i dont want that either.

so question is, should i stay or should i go? if i stay, it might just be a burden on my parents. or say i reject using their money and use what i earned(those punie bits) during the holiday, they'd just explode hearing the cost anyway. if i go, where can i go? soccer's part of my dream list, i doubt i can play properly at least until next academic year.

oh. my. gawd. i really need some advice out there. YELPS. i've still got 3 papers and im so bothering by this shit. my head really hurts. and i simply have to put down whatever im doing and head for distractions. ):

and i really wished some canoe polo senior sees this. (i am in such a deep shit. like, again.)

2009-11-25T17:51:00.003+08:00

Rah rah ah-ah-ah!

Ro mah ro-mah-mah

Gaga Ooh-la-la!

Want your bad romance

was watching her youtube video. over and over again. i saw her tears. and her eyes with the least makeup ever. the only thing that came to my mind was, was it really herself? her off stage self? then i proceeded to watching bad romance behind the scenes. over and over again. how come they never mentioned the cost of the mtv? freak. it must have cost a HUGE bomb.

ahh. anyway, that was freaking random. even the tea. just thought of showing how in real life, we can actually see that caffeine is not really that soluble in water afterall. LOL.

3 papers down. 3 more to go. CHIONG AH. (gosh. i feel like im at home even though im in hall. my mom keeps sending food over. and calls me every now and then. now wonder i havent craved for home. i only crave spaghetti and curry, in separate meals of course.)

2009-11-24T22:13:00.002+08:00

im feeling awfully emotional
damn.
why. is it so tough to let go of the past. that heart-throbbing(non-romantic) event. should i say i couldnt forgive those people at mint. or that, im worried that im the one whose not forgiven? this intense guilt has sandwiched me against rage.
FUCKERS.

ONE PAPER DOWN

2009-11-19T23:06:00.003+08:00

YAY. the paper i dread back in A levels has been stomped on by me. YESH. ok lah. i wouldnt say i have the confidence that i'll score, but at least, i didnt screw it like i did back in jc. ((: this is a optimistic me. YAY.---->BIMBO HOR.

sweets my sister told me to BRING AND EAT WHENEVER YOU NEED SOMETHING JUNKY. uh, which is like ALWAYS as long as im mugging. oh wells. the colours just makes me happier. think i should change my blog skin to something less emo. THEN AGAIN. HOT PINK IS NOT AN EMO colour. so let's leave it as it is. should edit the pic though. WHY I CANNOT SEE THE HEAD ))):

ahhh. dinner PART TWO after my economics paper. my mom was pretty disappointed when i turned down the TWO yogurts. but you havent seen the whole picture, the choc malt drink, the yakult and fries.. AND those rice veg meat and pear in my stomach (AKA dinner part ONE) is like.... T_T AH NOW YOU SEE. im just praying that the UNCHILLED malt drink and yakult isnt gonna cause me an upset stomach after one night. HMMMM.

hah. CLUBBING. K-BOXING. CHILL-OUTS. all the I WANNA DO. just have to wait till end of exams. I LOVE YOU MAMA. ((:

2009-11-08T17:22:00.002+08:00

urgh. i couldnt be bothered to edit the photos. and blogspot screwed up the sequence of my photos. PLEASE LOOK FROM BOTTOM UP. (that's the sequence i prefer you guys to see it). but since it's appearing this way, ok. let me try to make sense of the arrangement.

a gift in errm primary 5? from some BFF during that time. i think she bought if from czech republic or something ((: this obession with cats she thought i had (maybe i really do)led her to buy me this CUTIE. LOVE IT. thank you janice leong jiayu!

this male adolescent was sleeping on my bed while i was doing my BS103 organic chemistry lab report. :/ (similar situation to turning around and seeing my roomie watching youtube while i chiong out essays) his position was so alike to the gift! (so i put it beside him. he didnt really care what the hell i was up to. HE DIDNT EVEN OPEN HIS EYES A BIT! sleeping is his life. each cat needs AT LEAST 15 hrs of sleep daily.---->i wished i were a HOUSE cat. )

this is how he looks like (: not very sweet looking. but his personality melts my heart.

rainbow. taken AGES ago. this photo makes me emo. like dull. the rainbow so far away beyond my reach. one step forward (and over the wall) i will fall to death 11 storeys down. i cant see my left and right because it's blocked by buildings. i cant step backward cause time cannot go back. im just. on the spot. until someone comes to hold my hand and show me the way... (see. very emo indeed. but suddenly i find my description awesome. O_o)

examinations are around the corner. in less than 2 weeks. yet there's more lab reports coming up for me to complete. *drops head*

then *LIFTS HEAD* there's always canoe polo to look forward to. EYECANDIES FTW! IM SO HAPPY FROM TRAINING YESTERDAY. at least now i know the guy (freshies and seniors) better. and i've got a longer list of eyecandies. then again, musnt let my senior know, she'll exaggerate and tell ALL THE GUYS I LIKE THIS GUY, THAT GUY, THAT GUY, THIS GUY and eventually the entire canoe polo guys team -_-" she has been failing to draw the line between eyecandies and likes. oh no. it this goes on, im never gonna get attached!!! lol.----------->ok. BIMBO!

IT'S COMING!

2009-10-21T23:54:00.004+08:00

here's a peek to my thoughts minutes to 12am (:

ME:
MJ I AM GONNA MISS MY 18YRS OLD DEARLY

*whines on...

MJ:
hahahahahaha

ME:
seriously. i hate this feelin though i look forward to it

MJ:
HAHAHAHAHA

ME:
i'll be some much more glad if it's 16 turnin 17

MJ:
so contradictory!
why???

ME:
dancing queen only 17...
aiyah. dunno la. 17's like the peak of teenage life
19th's like withering ))):

MJ:
HAHAHAHAHA
wth
it's the time when we're supposed to bloom!
in 2 more years we'll be 21!!!
LOL

ME:
is it?
eeyer. but i wanna remain just finished puberty state haha

MJ:
wth lol

2009-10-14T18:22:00.003+08:00

now that's awesomely a built-to-see heels. behind it i admire the creativity the designer has got. how the hell did he come up with such nail-looking stilettos. so modern asian feel, and bring out the elegance with "hooves" we never associated with. (oh wait. horses are elegant animals (: )

i did a short paragraph some time ago because i couldnt blog. like signing in takes too much of my study time like that. but seriously, year one's no joke either. it fills you up 60% by week 3 of school and then they say "you better take part in this and that and blah blah blah" which leaves you roughly 80% full. then once recess week comes, they literally fill you to the brim. post-recess week? everyone's talking about examinations though there's still like dozens of lab reports to be completed and quizzes(i think they used too light a word. it's as good as CAs) to be hardcore mugged.

so anyway, here's the passage(?!):

"The thing about men seems to be that, because they are men, they become difficult to approach then difficult to communicate and after which, difficult to comprehend. Sigh. In fact, guys can be categorised as it turns out that some of them with similar characteristics such as name and dress-style have similar personalities too. My roommate agrees. It turns out that she has this other guy friend with the same name who behaves similarly hot and cold. Sometimes we wonder if this was just pure coincidence or that like the way Chinese meticulously calculate the strokes and piece up elements they deem what we need in our mandarin names, it is all meant to be in their English names too. Oh wells. This unsolved puzzle leaves poor friends like us confused, wondering which bus stop we have left this friendship that we built. Or was it simply just because he couldn’t careless? Damns what a vicious cycle i got myself into. If only he were a girl. Or that if i were a boy."

and then i was tempted to end if with a f-word. so i replaced it with a "freak" but it doesnt fit in as nicely. OH WELLS.

back to the first topic: WHEN CAN I WEAR HEELS AGAIN. HMMM HMMM.

happy hari raya people (:

2009-09-19T01:02:00.002+08:00

a lil advance. but still applicable. SMILES. gosh. im freakin high for the past 2 hours. O_O maybe im just too happy to be home once again, have a great dinner, a LOONG weekend and a day out with my girls tomorrow! YAY! (do you seem to realise im turning into sort of a bimbo when i used to hate pink in secondary and lower?)

let's talk about the recent big HOO-HAA of miss singapore 2009 Ris Low. seriously, i think people are over-exaggerating her poor english and mocking at her way too much. what's wrong with boomz? im not afraid to say, I WILL USE THAT TERM even if she had not made it such a popular term. what's wrong with khaki green? do you people not understand? what's wrong with her own style of leopard prints with khaki green? if it were to be some other classy celebrity wearing it, you'd probably say, "wow, that's a new fashion trend! let's buy green tights and prints too!" frankly, her ability to express herself is poor but admit it, she won miss singapore for a reason right? she's being herself, not some fake plastic with no bit of singaporean accent. and stop mocking at all miss singapores and stuff, they dare to stand out. they represent singapore, and you fellows out there, do you have what it takes to even do something for the country?(NS not counted for guys cause it was because you simply didnt have a choice).

canoe polo's getting awesome. YAY. i love trainings. either im a really enthusiatic person, or that i simply ran out of my mind. either way, im hyper-glad that im venturing into a new sport instead of staying in soccer. ahh. call me unfaithful or stuff, but no.1, i cant play soccer anytime soon for at least the next 2 weeks so i would have missed out 6 weeks of training and lagged like shit in terms of fitness and teammates i should be making. no.2, staying in soccer would mean an opportunity cost of not learning new skills in a new sports. plus. I LOVE BALLS . (eh. i hate it whenever i have to explain something that sounds wrong.)
anyway, i've had a HUGE bruise on my shin. however, it's not cause i played soccer again, or that i fell down or that someone tried to tekan me. it's simply cause I WAS TRYING TO GET IN AND OUT OF THE FREAKING SMALL CANOE THAT SENIORS INSISTED EVERYONE CAN FIT IN. it ends up they were amused by my one of a kind injury i sustained indirectly from canoe polo. ahh. talking about the canoe, i feel demoralised whenever i try to fit in. i know it's supposed to fit snugly so you wont come out easily when u capsize, but like, i take MORE effort to get in than smaller girls YOU GET WHAT I MEAN. plus my legs.. are like an additional barrier. thus, the probability of me capsizing is the highest and often when im entering or coming out of the canoe. WHAT IS THIS MANS.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHA, this is freaking exciting. i havent gone kbox in ages. (: and shopping. but i doubt i'll do any at orchard. you cant bargain for a lower price though the place is more spacious and brighter. and you dont get the fun or digging for "treasures" in the little shop to get great deals like in bugis. oh wells. im still elated enough to be going out than going for appointments..ahh did i mention, i've been having dates every week (: haha. dont think too much, my date's always the doctor. SIAN. the only week without doctors/ orthodontists is this week. i'll be putting my upper braces next week. (yep blossoms. im having braces. PINK ONES. i wanna change colours already but they dun seem to look as nice as the pink :/ )

before i end, just a lil note to my friends whom i unconsciously offended. im sorry i didnt have the courage to speak to you face to face cause perhaps i've simply grown to be more shy and bad at handling relationships and stuff. but. oh wells, im glad we've been talking more and getting more alike. things will improve (:

2009-09-14T01:55:00.002+08:00

my stories to tell. but time rockets before my eyes.
im upset with myself. because there is simply a lack of temporial space these days.

till then.

where is the freaking laptop i ordered!!!

2009-08-29T15:35:00.002+08:00

school term started for a couple of weeks and i still have loads of breath. i havent found myself sinking deep into notes and tutorials.. only the awful pinch on the amount of $ i spend each day, even if it was neccessity like food and travelling and NOTES. it was a slap further when friends around me talk about their tuition kids and comparing the amount they earn each month while i have to make do with 300bucks per month and yet try to squeeze out some into savings from all that i have. have i mentioned i havent earnt a 4 digit sum yet? then again, im lucky enough to be spared from bank loans though i make it a point to return the dough back when i work in the future. oh wells, university life i reckoned. sometimes people end up being more insensitive or they might just be indirectly mocking you. it's part and parcel of growing up.

ahh also. i bought a laptop with what i earned from working during the longest break from school i've ever had. in fact, i can somewhat say i made the decision myself. and you guessed it, i got the cheapest i could afford. i couldnt bear to part with even 50 bucks more to spare myself from the waits i'll get for documents to load. stingy, thrifty. whatever. money management matters more than ever. seriously. but of course there are those occassional splurges that i explode with.. and even made to make do with, like dinner at some restaurants instead of a cafe or sort.

alrighty, so it turned out girls soccer does exists in ntu and nie students join that too. yay. but perhaps because of the excitement i had after months of game-droughts, i twisted and sprained my foot to a real bad sore that is beginning to slowly fade out of my life.. i figured it'll take AT LEAST another week to recover and for me to attend trainings and stuff. in the mean time, i gotta decide on the cca im gonna join. canoe-polo or soccer? canoe-polo is new and sounds just as awesome as soccer. and very much cleaner(with so much lesser mud). then there's this cute guy i found(FINALLY AN EYECANDY) who might be joining the cca too. most importantly, my foot steers clear away from any opponents inside the fibre-glass canoe. and there's no worries about getting a paddle in your face since you'll be wearing a helmet, a vest and..etc. at most i'll just get a bruise on my.. ARM??!!(WAATTT. AHH FREAK) alright, so why am i hesistating? water is nice, but not when you're a girl(get it?). and imagine all the constant soaking in chlorine water(ok. this is just a big hoo-haa. since i'll be ON the water not in it.) then there comes the though of having huge masculine arms O_o and not having the opportunity to run around wild on the "grassland" like in soccer. and freckles. shucks.(freckles are my main concern compared to most girly girls who fear being tanned) oh yes, i cant bear to let my soccer boots rot away in the corner of the room after i finally put them to good use last week(when i sprained my ligament).

next i got my chance to perform on stage but i screwed it up haha. oh wells. you cant expect someone who's got metal brackets cutting her in the mouth to sing too well right. alright. excuse if you deem it. i guess it's either more experience or just plain acting that suits me better (: my lower jaw got braced in SCREAMING PINK yesterday(but it's not prominent. so im actually more disappointed). so my gum's sore and i've been eating near-baby food since. hah. talk about back to basics. okie dokie. till then(when my laptop arrives the coming week. dangs. it better not be delayed again. I WANT MY FREE PRINTER)

school started.

2009-08-16T15:35:00.002+08:00

oh wells. back to hostel tonight. (: and i leave my poor lonely mom at home ): then again, she might find herself raising her blood pressure less?? :\

while i still am trying to figure out where the better computers and printers are in my school, it seems im pretty set on getting a laptop still. no facebook is fine. msn? chaye. but at least gimme some connection to the ntu internet web portal where i can get the notes that have unfortunately been uploaded at the most inconvenient hour by the sometimes inconsiderate lecturers. OH WELLS. and i need to do my research, my homework. ARGH. everything's about computer, IT, e-learning and all. im glad MIND YOUR BODY reported an article relating hours in front of computer with blood pressure. like wow. im just hoping that moe reacts to it soon. i dont wanna graduate at 24 years old to find myself with blood pressure of a 42 yr old.

perhaps is the lack of entertainment in life. i start to find britney AWESOME. HMMMM. like how amazing she has come since she entered the entertainment biz. i mean, she's still pretty much normal despite getting all that shave tattoos and wild parties. she's just trying to grab back what she lost as a rebellious teenager. and somehow, i seem to increasingly apathise and adore her. oh wells. i think im still sane.

saturday i coincidentally came across kelvin chen wei liang's little small walk-over concert. and i found him cute. for the jokes he put on himself to entertain the crowd, the confidence he gave out, the way he played her guitar and he's amazingly touching voice. i guess the music that comes from a handicapped is always more unique and different. hah. im still thinking of him. and he's 'angelic' voice.

then i caught up with a movie after ages since i watched in cinemas. THE ORPHAN is a fantastic plot. it's twists and turns, ups and downs. and yet i didnt manage to get to the answer until the very end of the movie. how cool. how mind blobbing. and now. i really dread kids. all the more if they were not mine. :\

for those who do not want to know the plot, stop here. (:

jessica was a still-born and brought griefs to her parents. and so the couple adopted a child named esther with the thought that they could give the love they were preparing for jessica to esther. esther comes out of the plot as a mature, highly intelligent girl who loves to paint. like who doesnt like such kid who speaks so well-manneredly... it later turns out esther was way more than what she looked and behaved. she was brutal and manipulative---she stoned down a pigeon into a bloody mass of meat, hammered a head and even fractured her own arm with one of those tools you use to hold wood/metal pieces in place. like FREAKING OOUCH and ridiculous. the possibilities in most people's mind was that, she had some character disorder, she was possessed, she was a spy sent(which would turn out to be a F-graded movie if she were to..), she's merely strange?? blah blah blah. finally the answer revealed. she dresses herself up in a black lace gown with thick makeup and heels and walks over to the bewildered man of the house. and she confesses her love for him. she would kill to make the guy love her, to make the family fall apart because of her. and she did when the confused guy explained the type of love for her. (i was surprised why the guy didnt have to strength to keep the blade away. and yeah. he got stabbed to death. but i wasnt as sympathising as i was for the pigeon..)esther is not a nine year old but a freaking 33 year old suffering from dwarfism that fortunately or not, keep her back from passing puberty. O_o no wonder she was so smart. no wonder she could plot, manipulate people's mind and murder without ever being the suspect. and no wonder she painted gruesome and sexual images that could only be revealed under UV light. i was glad she died. and so did the cheating husband. (and even more glad at least he cheated with a normal woman instead of a "child" called esther. PHEWW.)

haha. omg. im such a bad narrator. OH WELLS. till next week. or the week after.. or.. i dont know. i only know my gums are sore. and it will be next week and the week after and.. and.. AH.

算算已三年

2009-07-31T19:18:00.004+08:00

请告诉她我不爱她

笑着难过自我惩罚

想终止这一切挣扎

狠了心说真心谎话

别告诉她我还想她

恨总比爱容易放下

当泪水堵住了胸口就让沉默代替所有回答...

my life.

2009-07-29T21:19:00.005+08:00

time flies all the time. i wished i had a fly-swap or something to smack this "fly" to stop on my table.. haha. ok whatever. NONSENSE.

was browsing through facebook and blogs and SO MANY PEOPLE ARE GOING NUS. and they make NUS sound so much livelier than NTU. ): ): (psss: for a moment i was going to use "funn-er" what AWESOME english i've mastered at home. such as closing the window, i'd go "guan-ning the window.) im holding on to my belief that I CAN MAKE MY SCHOOL FUN without architecture, without my secondary or jc buddies around. I CAN. *music starts* I BELIEVE I CAN I FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! uh. RAWR.------>>i desperately need to vent my frustration. ESPECIALLY when my stolen bag still haunts me. ): ): i feel like setting an altar for it and its contents or something to show my apologies for taking it for granted despite it accompanying my through hell and heaven of my jc days.

so holiday's coming to an end. and soon facebook will become a stranger to me until i get my hands on a notebook or become a regular vistor to the computer lab. BECAUSE im sooo going to NTU hostel. but i havent quite prepare myself to stay in there yet. like all the toiletries, bedsheet, food, erm... I'VE GOT ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what to bring there--except for meal replacements and sorts to keep the cost of my meals LOW LOW LOW alongside with er-herm. YARH. now im so glad i didnt apply overseas universities which would require 101% of my independence and survival skills. LITERALLY.

ahh. so what have i been up to:

i drove and got a license.
i drove a 1.4, a 2.0 and a lorry. pffff. i totally dread manual cars. but lorry's actually quite fun. GEEEEEES.
i painted my nails hot pink, green, purple, blue, white, black, yellow, glitterish bache..
i learnt guitar and returned ~~all~~ most skills to the teacher within 5 days after each lesson. (I CAME TO A REALISATION GUITAR IS NOT MY PASSION. it was merely a spark of interest that extinguished. somemore it was without a "pop" sound. how boorish.)
i went genting AGAIN.
i ran a marathon.
i tried escargot. EWWWW. hate it.
but goose-liver was AWESOME. haha. i like high-calorie food??
i tried to dye my hair again. apparently my hair doesnt "eat" the colour.
i liked a guy outta school.
i wakeboard-ed.
i bought 2 heels. perhaps in vanity?
i dragonboat-ed.
i worked 3 different jobs.(sell egg tarts -_- distribute flyers and served dishes. but amazingly, the flyer job was the best paying one.)
i got my bag stolen.(i was wondering if i should classify this as an achievement. HMMM)
i got new hp. new wallet as a result. new keys for the house. and soon a new IC.
i got a full body check-up. GLAD THERE AINT BOOBS CHECKING.
i got 2 of my wisdom extracted.(and hopefully that's it.)
i gained 5kg.(THIS SHOULD SO BE IT. IN FACT IT SHOULD BE NEGAT-ING. *&^&^$$%#)
i really tried to self-learn malay. the result was.. better than the guitar's. banyak-banyak.
i made my mom become addicted to my massaging.... i WONDER if it's a good thing.
i made my dad jealous because of the massaging and now he wants me to massage for him.

hmm. ok. the bolded ones are thoses that make me feel that i really didnt waste my days waiting for university to start. but then again, i only did these things??!!

july liberation.

2009-07-21T23:13:00.003+08:00

oh. after all the hell with my bag. i got another job at taka selling egg tarts once again. and that was also where i was giving out free egg tarts to surprise patronising friends like erm mel and jwong. i still couldnt figure why mel had to come back to my stall just to tell me he saw quah tingwen and she's very chio. oh wells. met new friends there as usual but not many contacts were exchanged sadly. ): so uh. destiny we shall see.

i also missed out on outings like class' and lion dancers'. and like seet's birthday. i was labouring hard at 5 bucks an hour instead of joining these people for a fun-filled day. and because of how things just come together at the least expected time, i fall prey to mismanagment of my schedule. so i wasnt chosen for the faculty camp that i applied last minute. and neither was my dental appointment following my plan.

ahhh. whateverrrrr. so here's a quick browse through my life recently. i gained weight from eating loads and not exercising. i got one wisdom extracted(which gave myself more reason not to exercise)(and it also explains the BEEEEEEEG bruise on my right jaw. it's been a week there actually...). and uhh. am trying to find time to return yuheng's everest guitar to him. i sincerely pray that it's the same condition as it was when borrowed..

a week back my mom suddenly sat next to me.... with a serious tone, she told me: "girl ah. if got any guy give you expensive gifts dont take. you take le means you want to have a relationship with him. and even if the present cheap cheap or even if it's just he very friendly to you, must be careful. you wait until you grow OLDER then get boyfriend ok. now study more important.." i had a hard time figuring out what she was trying to say really. anyone???

today i finally met up with my dearest seet and renu at cathay. char and kaiwan(char's friend) came later. the thing is i found myself repeatedly stranded after a few steps right from my door step cause the denim wedges i got frm charles & keith were slipping off my heels for some reason though they were my sizes. stair-climbing was a piece of cake but the walking and stair-decending was undescribale(sorry for the spelling. i still cant spell). i took 15 minutes to reach my hse's mrt instead of the usual 8 minutes. ok. im vain. i love heels. it's probably just a matter of time before i throw myself back onto flats.

it's been ages since i conversed with h7. hah. still calling my retarded as usual. I WONDER WHY. but yeah. updates here and there were cool. just that. argh. get well soon. h7 told me to sleep early too: LATE SLEEPING HABITS LEAD TO FAT BUILD-UP. i am so going to stick to a 9-9 habit. ok. 10-11 lah.

i was listening to 987fm when they play sugarbabe's ABOUT YOU NOW. hah. what a random yet enjoyable song that brings back many fond memories. h7 pisq wolfie fishy twiggy and all those rubbish cute names we gave. and the times we sprinted past corridors from the B block to the lecture theatre 1 and 2.. all the way to the parade square. so many times. yet those were the times we enjoyed gushes of adrenaline and felt never before so fit and fab. (: and then i remember myself humming through the school song cause i never knew the lyrics. oh wells. as long as i know it's the school song. (perhaps a school pledge could be written? ST NICKS FTW. we have chinese AND english versions.)

i miss jc. as much as i miss st nicks. hai. i miss school. let's wish university would be just as great.

looking out for the next step in life.

2009-07-05T22:15:00.004+08:00

my brother reprimanded me for adjusting his side and rear mirrors of his car. he said it was etiquette, like showing some respect in someone else's house by not moving their furnitures around. then he gave me an attitude when i asked to confirm the route to my granny's house when i was told to just ask the last time whenever unclear. ): he told me to be appreciative because he was trying to give me an opportunity to practise driving when i was clearly reluctant to touch the wheel. he then question "if you do not want to drive, then why did you learn in the first place?" i was stunned. "because mom say it is a modern day survival skill? so that i can drive when overseas when there's a need to?"

my mom reprimanded me for refusing to drink her soup when i returned home from soccer gathering at 11pm yesterday. and after lunch, she abandoned me behind at the foodstall without waiting for me or at least telling me where she was heading. i felt like i was a domesticated cat made stray. ): suddenly i asked a similar question to myself "if you do not know what your next goal in life is, why did you continue to stay alive?"

the rain kept pouring and memories flushed in. i imagined the presence of my dog if she were to be still alive, she were to be allowed in an HDB flat. i could feel her coarse fur, her warmth and her rhythmic panting. so much i wanted her with me. my mom recently confessed her obsession with cats, explaining that they were her playmates as an orphan. i pity her past. i shouldnt be comparing because i live in a better environment with parents that shower me with most of what i needed and wanted. but i too, grew up with my speciated friends and i spent most of my time with them. now i face complex and unpredictable humans minds accompanied by cold white walls everywhere i go. even my childhood hero MJ decided it was time to go. sometimes i ask if im growing up too fast. or am i still the kid with the slowest reaction..

now im upset.

i look up to the postcard i gluetag-ged to my wardrobe:

"Where Have All the Smiles Gone?

love hurts
it fills hearts
then breaks them

knowledge belittles
it's embraced
then quantified

life kills
it gives hope
then shatters it

even then,
shoulders support
weak and worn
but dry for tears,

for all the sad friends,
renu 30/1/08"

thank you.

doubt.

2009-06-23T23:01:00.004+08:00

the proof:

i went to SATA this morning to have my health screening and all. and before everything started, this nurse asked me:

"let me ask you, are you pregnant?"
"WHAAAT? no!"
"you sure you not pregnant?"
"yar, im not pregnant." *stares at nurse then turns back to get assurance from my accompanying sister(assurance for what. i dont know...)*
*examines me from top to toe and top again* "you not pregnant arh?"
"no?"
"ok then. please write down your last menstrual period."
*writes a date about a month ago(not surprising from all the wails and nightmares i got since i lost my bag)*
*stares in amazement. then arouses suspicion*"you sure you are not pregnant?"
"yes mdm, im not pregnant" *stares into blank space then i start to recall really hard if i've been having sex.. which is like O_o then shrugs* "I THINK im not pregnant la..."

oh wells. the consequence of too much interrogation. i must be thinking too much. really too much.. in the mean time, i've unconsciously grew 2cm taller to 174. NANNY NANNY BOO BOO. unfortunately, my weight followed the trend -_-"(and no. im not gonna reveal the figures) come to think of it, HOW COME I DIDNT LOSING ANY FREAKING WEIGHT FROM COMPLETING A MARATHON. BULLSHIT!!!!

this is the kind of shit that happened on me

2009-06-16T14:45:00.004+08:00

i've been in ultra bad mood since i lost my bag. if ever there is any racial or religious comment EVER, i SWEAR it is NOT on purpose but accidental. help check and i'll edit the parts that are sensitive.

time: approximately 2.30am

date: 6th june 2009 saturday

venue: mint cafe

it was a ROM night for this pair of angmoh regulars.

ENCOUNTER NO.1: i vividly remember how i got scolded when the male patron found meatballs missing from his order of spaghetti bolognese. he wasnt even attempting to ask in a nicer neutral tone like "excuse me, can you check if there's something missing from this order? i thought it's supposed to come with meatballs.." no. he wasnt that mr nice guy. he was like: (rolls eyes) WHAT IS THIS?! (point to menu description) and my meatballs? (with arrogance in his tone). OH WELLS. service=smile. i had to bear with such insult and explain and later compensate him his "royal" meatballs. come to think of it, i still couldnt believe i was behaving like a slave throughout their meal, apologising for the meatballs and stuff. i wonder what i owed him in my pastlife but i threw that thought away as soon as they paid the bill.

ENCOUNTER NO. 2: they were slightly more likeable without the rolling of eyes and sacarstic tone. AT FIRST. soon the nightmare reignited. the bar was booked for a function that night so no walk-ins were allowed. so since the 1-for-1 drinks promotion was exclusive to the bar, practically no one could have it that night. this guy. AGAIN. he saw the promotion from the tentcard on the table and insisted he wants this and that. i returned to his table after asking my manager and APOLOGISED to this ill-bred man. ok. expected. he flared up again and i was the victim ONCE AGAIN. i wasnt noticing too much about the woman since she was like constantly trying to put up a smile to make herself look less demanding than the man.

ENCOUNTER NO. 3: this time, the irritable pair of couple went up to the bar. and asked if they could have their set dinner from the cafe at the bar. MY GAWD. couldnt they just follow the norm for once and stop being so special. as mentioned, it's a set meal.. so i've got to take the lift up countless of times to serve first their salads, then soups, then main course, then dessert.. not to forget mentioning clearing their plates. i doubt they've taken this into consideration. one good thing other than the fact that they recognise me(i couldnt decide if this point was a good or bad thing. you help me decide) is that they did NOT lose their temper! WOW.

LAST (and hopefully the final) ENCOUNTER: the ROM night of this angmoh couple.. the guy was treating the place like his home already. making us cater like his maids or something. he was the one who requested for espresso when WE CLEARLY INDICATED COFFEE OR TEA. NORMAL COFFEE OR TEA. he's really full of shit. then he told us to wire the stereo with his ipod, so he can play music for their dance. WTF. THERE'S NO SPACE TO DANCE. somehow, they still did. you know that kind of clubbing dance. OH. i do not know what's his problem but he seemed to expect everyone to know how to operate an ipod. so i should expect his to use a pair of chopstick when he eats noodles? i should have spilled coffee or something over it. SERIOUSLY. he THINKS he is rich. he THINKS he is the boss. unfortunately, the managers agree with that BECAUSE he is OUR CUSTOMER. FCUK. so anyway, on paper, his party night was to end at 11pm on friday night. but we expected it to end at 12am anyway. like how often do you see angmohs abiding to the rules of the house? in REALITY, they were still moving to the grooves of the music at 12.30am of saturday morning. and if not for the reminder that we were only licensed till 2am to allow them to purchase and consume alcohol in our premises, they'd have partied till 4am. so here's the part i should have focused on: manager, at 2.10am or so, instructed me to prepare to go home. i.e. get changed and stuff. i took my canvas bag(DEH ONE I USED FOR SCHOOLING IN JC.) brought it to the seat in front of the dishwashing area(the area was cleared, table cleaned and arranged, placemats prepared. most importantly, the angmohs were near/at the door, the other end of the cafe) took my shoes to change into slippers(then stuffed my shoes into my bag) and then went to punch out my card. when i returned at about 2.30am, my bag was gone. fast aint it? i alerted my fellow staff and manager who could do nothing more than bugging the groom-gonna-be(aka that above mentioned demanding man) who couldnt even put down his signature on the bill. (by the way, this 30pax group bottled a total of approximately 20 red and white wines.) the manager checked the cctv which could only suggest that someone dressed like the bride in long white dress took a bag like mine from approximately the area i left it.

for some reason, i was cool and calm. the cleaners left long ago, unless it's our own staff, i was affirmed that the guests will realise that they had taken my bag by mistaken in a hurry to clear and leave the place. so i cabbed home with a fellow staff. almost immediately after i told my mom once i reached home at 3.20am or so, i broke down. i shouldnt have left it there. especially when no one was keeping a lookout for me. especially when the guests were leaving. but i strongly believe my bag, containing my IC, my HOUSE KEYS, my adult AND student ez-link cards, my NETS card, cash, my red sony mp3 which was a prize from my brother for the marathon, a NLB book, my clothes, my working shoes, my pens, my own book... will be returned the next day at work. uh yes, i still have to work at 12pm on saturday. i couldnt work out a reason why they would want to steal my bag since i have faithfully been following the golden rule of not leaving your valuables in the open. lights out at 4am. but i was waking up at intervals to cry. terrible night. i didnt sleep well at all.

i returned to work with high hopes and red eyes. i was told that the couple would come to pay the bill. but my manager could tell me approximately when. i was lucky because customers were little during the day but that also meant less distraction. there wasnt a minute i wasnt thinking about my bag. when would they return? they wouldnt steal it right? there isnt a thing they could do with my ic, so at least they'll pass my ic to the police? should i call the man and the woman myself? how much cash was in my wallet? how am i to tell my father if i dont get it back by today(saturday)? it didnt helped either with the insensitive head chef telling me about the consequences. and the possibility of my bag being returned. i was heading to the restroom every half an hour during my 6-hour workshift. this is one incident that fumed me during the day. the guy operation manager gave the groom-to-be a ring asking him to 1.pay the bill. 2. check for my bag(WTF. THE BILL IS MORE IMPT THAN MY IC?!) the guy over the phone said he was still trying to reach some of his guests. and my ever-customer-friendly manager told him. "OH. IT'S OK. TAKE YOUR TIME." no matter how much amount of money they have, they cannot pay for the amount of stress i was facing. i was later told that the operation manager was obessessed since the morning for his missing malaysian ringgit rather than being worried for the welfare of his staff. i intended to stay till 9pm before returning home for dinner, but the constant flowing of tears was draining my energy. everytime after i teared, i felt like dropping to the floor and closing my eyes. i felt like i was floating half the time. i really wished everything was just a nightmare. one new friend i met at mint accompanied me home. but we stopped by the police station to make a report of my lost ic. to my horror, lost of ic need not be reported, i'd just have to go to ICA and make a new one with a exploding cost of 100bucks. until now, it's probably the reason why im so reluctant to apply a new ic. it's like a criminal record that my ic has been lost and (choy.) the next time would be an wholesome 300bucks. i thank this friend for her support and advice. but back at home, i faced my mom who was talking to me with the corner of her eye and pointing her index finger at me as she pours out her part of reprimands.

11pm, 11.20pm, 12am.... i was either sitting up in bed, or in the kitchen hydrating myself to recover the amount of fluids i had lost from crying. oh yes. my mom calls me a cry baby. i admit i am. but whatmore can i do under such situation? cut myelf? slam the door? burn myself? run away from home? behave like a delinquent and join some triads? call my manager every hour to keep myself updated and irritate him/her to the core?

my head was heavy on sunday morning. my breaths were small and difficult to inhale. my eyes were drained of tears. my stomach was churning and i either felt like puking or having dirreahre. i had to stop crying i know. it was all quite calm until my mom revealed the incident to my dad in my presence. *sigh. i should get my tear glands removed one day. that was went things get out of hand. i was complaining. I WAS COMPLAINING myself. cause my head hurt even more. and the process of blowing my nose was torturous. my dad was like some commander. he started to call his buddies to check on the manager in case he was up to no good, instruct my brother and sister to go down with me to mint blah blah blah. that very day, i made a police report stating lost instead of stolen. stolen would have made things ugly and bad. like police rummaging through the angmohs's house, interrogation and stuff like that. plus, they can sue me if things are not found to be in their hands. i kinda regretted not reporting it as stolen. at night, i got my new sim card and officially lost all previous contacts i had. SO STOP ASKING IF I LOST MY HP WHEN YOU SEND ME AN SMS. also the same day, the guy angmoh replied my sister's sms. he wrote that no one in his party had taken my bag. and he would compensate for my bag. and was sorry for the hassle he caused. now, he wouldnt even reply MY sms. he and his wife ingeniously forwarded all the messages i sent to the operation manager. I SEE. BIG FAT LIAR. "compensation" is just an adjective for consoling to him.

i returned to work on monday still in hope of my bag. the couple finally came to pay their bill. however, the manager told me the bad news once again. that no one had taken my bag. even the bride said she didnt. she claimed to have only taken home a bag of presents(the size and shape of my bag? hell no.) after seeing the cctv. then again, the cctv was captured far, with a bloody statue creating loads of blindspots. i should have spoken to them myself. in fact until right now, i've never seen or spoke to them since i lost my bag. but then again, i knew i wasnt in the right mind and behaviour to be speaking to them. oh. i think by then i fell ill. super bad flu or something.

i waited a week. in my own wishing thinking that the managers would do some procedure. i waited and waited. then one day. i realised that the BIG BOSS doesnt know about my bag. and the managers were... like behaving nothing happened. there was no consolation. they never spoke to me. i was left there. alone sulking. and sulking even more when people from the office come to find fault with us. only when customers come i put up my best mask to serve and welcome customers.

finally i could wait no more. i need my ic for university applications, student ez-link application and all sorts of things. things must be rushed even more at this moment. who's gonna compensate for me the 100bucks for my ic? the angmoh couple is unreliable. so asking them for $ is pointless when they even had to split their approximately $1600 bill and pay with 2 cards. and it's only a ROM night i fear for their wedding night. then the NLB book. who's gonna paid for the book? a cost of approximately 20 bucks for a book that was in my bag that was stolen? I AM A VICTIM. and yet, i seemed to be made the scapegoat of everything.

below are the messages i typed word by word. make the judgement yourself. and tell me what i've done wrong. because i really have no idea. really.

11th june i sms-ed the groom: hello. i apologised if im against an innocent party. but if you or your friends ever find my canvas bag, contact me asap. especially my ic's in it. please. (my name) -------------------------NO REPLY.
in an attempt to get my manager to do something on 12th june i smsed my operation manager: hello. still no news of my bag and belongings? can you suggest what else to do other than pasting a primitive note of missing bag in front of mint? --------------------NO REPLY.
13th june to the bride: hello i really need my ic and the NLB book which are in my bag back. you will not want to pay for them if you have got the chance to return. because it's costing a bomb. (i wrote this with the mindset that they said they'd pay. ok. re-reading it sounds like i insist that she took it. but i swear i didnt want to make it sound this way. NOW IM GLAD I DIDNT TALK TO HER DIRECTLY.) REPLY: who is this? ME: my name is ( ). i work at mint cafe and lost my bag. i believe it is not stolen but taken by mistake. and hence i seek your help. thank you. ( of course i seek her help. SHE'S THE HOSTESS RIGHT.)----------------- NO REPLY.
14th june to the bride at 3AM AFTER CRYING.: i know everyone was drunk. so my canvas bag must have been mistakenly taken by someone in your party. and perhaps still lying untouched somewhere since that night. please help to check thoroughly. i hope you understand my anxiety to get my bag of clothes, books and other valuables back and hence i become irritating. (ok. read on you'll realise she is NOT understanding my last sentence.)------anyway, NO REPLY.
then i get this message from the operations manager: hi. i've been forwarded your sms. please stop this, otherwise she might report you for harrassment, defamation. you should not have left it in public area. regards. and so i replied, ME: i did not state that she or he took my bag, yes i admit it was my fault that i left it there. but ask yourself if you've really been helping me. even your malaysian RM is of greater importance than my ic. that's why i thought of taking things to my hand. especially when you intend to let matters rest just like that. (the matter can rest. IF the manager did something to show that they CARE.)
next, because i couldnt make it for work due to personal affairs, and so i smsed the f&b manager : hey (her name). are you planning the schedule or (asst manager)?. if you havent finish planning la, can change my schedule for tomorrow to 12pm onwards? ------------NO REPLY.
i called mint. and got shocked that my schedule was not planned. i thought maybe the operations manager instructed her not to schedule me for work and so i smsed the f&b manager again: hey. am i not scheduled to work for this coming week? (WHICH WOULD BE THE 3RD WEEK SINCE MY BAG WAS LOST. now you see why im sms-ing so much?) whatever la. anyway tomorrow i off. i dont know if (operations manager) told you anything but i hope my work is not cause of him. i hope la. SHE REPLY:when you free, you just come down, we need to talk. you need to change you aggressive attitude. ME: ok. so im not working there anymore la. say so. aggressive? lol. not yet. best yall are pushing me to the limits cause i didnt like the way things are managed. (should have used the word "handled" instead of "managed". but anyway, certainly it's poor handling of my bag issue right? wrong?) and then SHE replies: everybody is wrong and you are the only one who is right? ME: seems like (operation manager) didnt showcase my message to everyone. i dont know if to laugh or cry when i read that i think im the one right. if i didnt call mint, i wouldnt known your plan. (*pardon the grammar. it's sms anyway.* plan= to stop me from working.)

yup. that's it. i asked my sister. and i was told to forget about talking to both managers. im just an employee they're trying to get rid of to resolve the issue and to keep their customer. i kept doing reflections. like. could i have been wrong? maybe the f&b manager really havent had the time to schedule me in not that she did it on purpose? i dont know. i talked to blossom and she helped me to pray. providing me with advice and telling me not to think for them. afterall, i am their employee and it is their job to make a balance between protecting the rights of customers and employees. which they have failed awfully in the latter. was supposed to head down to mint cafe last night. but we didnt. we didnt have the time. afterall, i heard last night was pretty busy, so it was a good choice i guess? i dont know. but i constantly put myself in f&b manager's shoes. then again. someone once told me, dont accept "put yourself in my shoes" as an excuse for failing to fufill your responsibility. if you apply for a position as a teacher, you should have the knowledge to teach, the paitence to teach students and the willingness to afford time our of class to teach students who need your help. if you apply for a position as a policeman, you should have the courage to fight for the weak against the strong, the bravery to protect the victim whether verbally, emotionally or physically. you should also be righteous in order to maintain law and order anywhere you go. most importantly, in any occupation, there must be responsibility, once a ___, always a ___. there isnt really a thing as off-day in any job. like wise, as managers, you should have already been equipped with the ability to MANAGE instead of behaving as if you're too busy to even eat. else, you'd might as well come back down to be a trainee manager instead. the word "manager" brings out superiority. and so, to be able to lead the way and act what you preach. even more, make swift and yet smart decisions for everyone, the company, the customer, your staff and even yourself. alright. here i am blabbering and blabbering. pointing at someone else and analysing too much. dont worry. i'll make criticisms against myself too. but do take my words seriously.

the aftermath (for now): i find, unfortunately, to put my trust in every non-asian human beings. i find their laughter insincere. their talks an act. i dont know. they are just so not part of my life now. also, im unemployed. and now, the nightmare has re-ignited. my mom is picking on me. like how much time i spent on the bed even though i told her i wasnt feeling well and was having a bad headache.. a few days after 6th june. then she picked on my hair, telling me how nice looking other people's hair is yet mine looks weedy. she's gonna come into my room and comment on it's tidiness. and then she'll bring up my IC issue against. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I HATE IT. thus i need to do something when i get out of the house. else i never know when i'll commit a crime when im desperate of something.

it's good to leave some regrets sometimes.

2009-05-31T13:59:00.004+08:00

I AM PROUD TO BE A FINISHER OF 42.195KM @ADIDAS SUNDOWN MARATHON (:

buahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah~

to prepare for the night run, which is really really tough on the mind that constantly slips off to shut-off or power-saving mode, i was a total leech at home on friday. i woke up at 12pm and when back to bed again at 4pm to be awoken again at 8pm for dinner. i totally hate it when things go missing at the very last minute, like my tights and shorts(i absolutely refuse to run around in just tights, my buttock is too precious to be revealed fully. HAHAHHA. bullshit la me.).

we(my brother, my brother's girlfriend, my sister and i) were amazed at how some "competitors" decided to be their own driver, riding and driving their own automobiles to the venue. questions like "how can they still manage to concentrate on the road with all that exhaustion?", "don't they worry if they suffer from cramps on the road halfway driving?" and "don't the question of capability in driving ever breeze through their brawny minds?" oh wells. *SALUTES* i havent been to changi village in ages so let alone seeing the buslinest of the area. because the flagoff for the full marathon starts at 11.59pm whereas categories like the team marathons and the women's 10k had their flagoff in the evening, it wasnt very encouraging to see the latter competitors enjoying themselves at the food market while we past by to proceed to the starting point. the only comfort we get is when we seeing ultra-marathons struggling to complete their first lap(one lap=42.195km, so they're supposed to run two rounds. FREAKING BASTARDS WITH CRAZY MIND AND BODY) and knowing that we'd be running with people who are more exhausted than we are during the journey. haha. im so much of a bitch.

the weather was awfully humid last night and everyone was breaking out in sweat from the stuffy-ness. it was a terrible way to start a race, moreover the sky was decorated with pink clouds, an indication of oncoming rain which i think most of us were either praying or cursing for it to go. AND IT WORKED (: it was rather amusing to stand around my brother's colleagues, seeing how they freak out more than me. like the amount of powergel they prepared, and the hydration salts.. blah blah blah. but you couldnt exactly blame them for the exaggeration, most of us were first-timers and most of THEM didnt train seriously for the run. we, the runners, took a group photo before the race, in hope that a difference would be more prominent at the end of the run.

at the starting point(note how i elegantly chose to use the word point instead of line.. the area was significantly packed with gawd-knows-how-many-people..) some people looked too excited for the race as they start to jog on the spot and psycho their mind. other's were simply no longer bothered anymore as they find a spot to wait for the siren to sound. we belong to the latter... one of the mates said something damn classic:

"eh. those completing please go in front, those comPETing come here and stand around.." ok. it doesnt sound too funny, but it definitely cracked me up. HEH. light sticks were given out and i happily got a PINK one O_O. im just sad that it only last 6 hours.. AND IT DOESNT GLOW ANYMORE ): ): ):

kiasu-ism was well displayed at the first 4km. singaporeans. classic. everyone was going at a speed a little faster than jogging. and NO ONE was walking. or at least hardly anyone was walking.. then at the first 3 or 4 water points, you see men and women doing what they do best: self-service and then leaving the place with volunteers in horror. you see, we were supposed to get the cups from volunteers, not going behind the tentage to help ourselves. im guilty of being one of those over-automatic runners. LOL.

the race was truly tedious for the first 2 hours as i struggle with my undigested dinner. i was burping BBQ pork ribs and suffering from stitches. i wanted to stop and puke out a bit, but my pride was too huge to be stopped.. every now and then, i was walking. i fact, i think i probably walked more than running/jogging. HMMMM. i don't know how i made it through the 42kilometres now that i recall of the long and tedious journey through CHANGI to EAST COAST PARK to BEDOK to TAMPINES to PASIR RIS and back to CHANGI(i forgot when i ran past kembangan..). HARDCORE SIA.

a few interesting notes to point out. 1) a man farted A LOT. LOUDLY in front of me. i was expecting some reaction at least from other runners pacing near him.. but i guess everyone was just too shagged to give a damn about it. 2) another guy pee-ed in the open, and no one gave a damn either. we see, we go. HAHAHAHAHA. who says singaporean are conservative?! 3)we crossed a total of 4(if i didnt remember wrongly) overhead bridges. i thank the organiser for planning unstepped overhead bridges as much as possible. determined fellows were still able to pace their run up the slopes. but i guess everyone died at the stepped one. i also thought people would curse at the sight of overhead bridges. but uh. think everyone is REALLY too tired to waste another breath on vulgarities. LOL. 4) my shirt and my brother's were stained from the safety pins(used to secure our number tags) that rusted very right on our shirts while running. this proved we have significantly been producing salt and water. *nods* 5) it's an absolutely common thing to hear runners burping throughout the journey. 6) you see the poor volunteers dozing out at their stationed points. but hey, so what they've been there since 6pm the day before? they're earning CIP hours lor. 7) met jolyn loh's clique at one of the water station and we simultaneously asked "what are you doing here?" hmmm. a question way too redundant.

knowing im near the finishing line though unknown of exactly how far, i hastened up my speed. whatmore i heard a runner who just completed, "com'on! com'on! 500metre more only!" and so i did.. but only to realise it was a bridge further down to be crossed.. and so i held my pace AND STAMINA and ran to the other bridge.. telling myself, 300metres more only!! argh. it was an absolute test of my patience and stamina as i desperately search for a end-point. like WHERE THE F*** IS IT?! LOL. (i didnt curse lah. cause not enough breath at that point of time anyway..) HAH. when i finally see a sensor, i jumped over it.. only to realise that the FINAL one's 20metres ahead -_-" AWWW MAN. i didnt even think of the camera! i must look fugly in the shot ):

all in all, it was a good run with a timing of 6hours 10 or 20mins? i could have done it under 6 hours, but my cramps were holding me back every now and then. so that's probably one of the few things i regret. and hey, it's my FIRST attempt anyways, i applaud myself to even agree to sign up for it. hey. imagine withstand the torture of blisters, burns from abrasions(especially my arm, i feel like a chicken now cause i cant put my arm down properly), occasional cold breeze and cramps(yes i ran with my period. MY GAWD. and to make matters worse, all the drinks were COLD... ) i don't know why, but im no longer as persistant in saying "this is my first and last marathon" maybe i'll just sign myself up for another one when i get over the all the pain im suffering. for now, i'll just try to keep up with the walking pace of my mom, suddenly, she walks so fast that me and my brother lagged behind her everywhere we go. we're the new grandpa and grandma of the family :/ not very funny hor. wait till you see how we struggle to stand and sit.

till then, maybe i get a speedy recovery from all these sports-incurred injuries. OH MY TIAN. i just realised 2 more toe nails are dropping!! which would be a total of 4. MY GAWDDDDD.

beezzzzzzz

2009-05-29T20:51:00.004+08:00

life's a buzz. so here's a picture to spice up my blog after seeing it stone for i-dont-know-how-long.

it's VRALA! orange(the cow's name. yes it has a name. see how animal deprived i am. and anyways, orange was a prize i won at some lucky dip store...) and me (: ahhh. it's a pretty overdued picture from my last genting trip with my mom dad sister bro and bro's wife. i actually got sunburnt. -_-"

so. uh... the only thing worth reporting about last week was the clique outing on saturday which was unfortunately missed out by swan ): ): i hope she's gotten back on track---she SHOULD have recovered by now. we were supposed to meet up for lunch at astons at cathay but i missed it because: 1. i was slow at preparing whatsoever you can name(IM REALLY TURNING INTO A WOMAN WHO MAKES PEOPLE WAIT.) 2. i couldnt find my housekey and so i was trapped at home until i realised it was in the pocket of the jeans i was wearing *SULKS* 3. i overshot the mrt station and ended at cityhall instead and so i just grabbed the chance to collect my race pack too... the full clique(except swan) finally gathered at cityhall mrt station. (: talked and chat more at starbucks after sweet left. and yea. that was. the day. :/

last night, i got my dad's nails painted hot pink (: I WAS SO PROUD OF HIM until he SCREECHED "AIIIYEEEEEEEWWW!! LIDDAT HOW I WORK TOMORROW???" i wonder why. meanwhile, i've gotten my nails white just a day after the metallic purple nail polish was removed. and now, due to my poor nail-polishing skills, it looks like i used liquid paper instead. WHATEVER. i think i love nail polishes. i've been having a hard time finding pastel dull green and electric blue colour. ): help my keep a lookout. muahahahha. also, im intending to go on a self-initiated makeover after my marathon this saturday *SCREAMS AND RUNS AROUND THE HOUSE FRANTICALLY* my mom got me brown and pink eyeshadows and nude lip colour(yes. in short, make-up. she says im a big girl now and i've gotta learn to dress up at uni level. *raises brow* UHHHH. i dont mind getting married early if that's what she meant. HAHAHAHAA.) while i made her buy me a burgandy hair dye. YES. im going to be a red head. i wanted to go for highlight at first.. so i get a punk look with a zap of electric blue amongst my black "sea" of hair. but the cost is just too high for me amongst this recession period. i did think of hair extension.. getting one of those neon coloured strands.. but. who's gonna help me remove it? I DONT WANNA PAY DEH EXTRA COST.

*sigh* i hope it doesnt mean mojo is winning the war at mint. cause blossom left. and now, bubbles had a last day yesterday.. powerpuffgirls are losing their stand at the toy museum. ): but nevermind. buttercup will leave this place soon too. and she is the most determined and strong-headed girl among the 3. just hope that she doesnt do anything stupid being stubborn that she is. bear bear's having is last work day today too ): so it sounds like everyone's leaving. and i am depressed. it's only left with the cooks and bartenders who are really keeping me entertained. RAWWWWRRRR.

trouble trouble! buttercup likes potato. and she smiles no matter what potato does. she gives in to him. but potato has already been planted, roots have grown and so has its leaves. buttercup knows it's wrong. buttercup convinces herself that it's friendship. yes. it's only friendship. even potato says that. but the line is blurring between really good friends and scandal. EWWWWW. she hates that word. but she needs it to remind herself of what she might be landing herself in. there's just so much trust between the 2 of them. they whisper secrets, hold hands and wait to end work together. arrgh. must be the contacts. such contacts should be reduced. yes they should. buttercup never held hands, never hugged, never leaned, never shared so much with a plant before. potato is the first one. but it is the wrong potato plant. she just have to bombard herself with the fact.

all hail to shanka who cooked me a WHOLESOME seafood arrabiata today. abit overwhelming though. i really shouldnt have eaten the rice my mom insisted that i have at home. haha. and oh. the brownie.. eh. not so nice afterall. i thought it'd be really good. but URGH. RP was right. the recipe at mint just cannot make it. hahahah. RP called me with bubble's name today AGAIN. and he is SOOOO blacklisted with shank who called me who mojo's name. it's not his fault but.. pride matters sometimes. :/ and uhhh. like all accidents that occur during physical attacks.. *BIG SIGHS* certain forbidden area was contacted. but AIYA. not like i myself never touch before... LOL. oh wells. i doubt i'd even scream if a flasher reveals in front of me. i'd probably just STARE. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

university should be starting. and im excited for it (: I CANT WAIT TO MEET NEW FRIENDS(: and somehow.. i really miss those days when i mug. mugging makes me feel knowledgable. unlike now. i feel dumb and idiot. the only happy thing i get from work is interaction with RP. ARGH. and some pretty tall praises here and there. then again. i also get constant reminders to lose weight. THANKS ARH.

draw the line.

2009-05-19T23:02:00.003+08:00

i went home with RP ytd. today.
both of which mojo wasnt between us. (: even though RP seemed like he wanted to wait for mojo.. but cause mojo looks like she was waiting for someone else... OH WELLS. IM GLAD.
moreover he treated me to choc sundae! (: (: HAPPY (: (: ok. maybe more than that. like in bliss. haha. though i was constantly reminding myself and being reminded that we're just friends.
so i wont be seeing RP the next 2 days unless i attempt to make a trip to visit.. which makes my motive so obvious -_-"
!!!!!!!IT'S LESS THAN 13HOURS TO MY TEST. GOD BLESS ME LOADS.!!!!!!!
and sally too. (:

i stone.

2009-05-15T22:44:00.002+08:00

omg. i've got so much i wanna blog all of a sudden. but the 2 hour run at ECP just coma-ed more than half of my brain cells.

i wanted to blog about my trip to genting last weekend.
my dilemma over courses between nus and ntu. I FREAKING GOT INTO ARCHITECTURE WITHOUT INTERVIEW!!!
and then my interaction with the new peeps over at mint.
....(silence. i forgot what i wanna type)
my engine still stalling with erm. 5 days left to driving test. i've been transferred to another instructor by the way. he constantly makes that"Mmmmm" sound. O_o
.....
the meet up with some of the soccer girls for semi-finals against vjc *shivers* on thursday.(finals on 22nd may friday 2.30pm at jalan besar)
and oh. last but not least HMMMMMM. what was i about to say. (facebook is right. i suffer from a mental disorder called dementia) ...............................................OH OH OH! my run. yes. my run today at ECP. hahaha. what the freak it wrong with me, i could have just read the first paragraph.

hahhahaha... err. yah.

blossom meets buttercup.

2009-05-06T21:47:00.003+08:00

YAY. im happy. or rather happy. haha.

had driving lesson earlier in the day. and my engine STALLED AGAIN. 2 WEEKS BEFORE MY BLARDY DRIVING TEST AND IM STILL STALLING. 2 WEEKS. 2 WEEKS. 2 WEEKS. OHHHHHHHHH MY MOOOOOMMMMMMAAAAAAAA.
met up with blossom at cityhall. cause derrick quited his job at hotel RE after "nagging" us to go for as interview asap.. oh wells. so we didnt land our feet at outram.
and i didnt manage to collect my allowance from the florist shop at SGH. that BLACK florist shop. people should just learn to take up responsibility as long as they're involved. i know i'll get my pay. just dont know when.
lunch (?!) at hans at 3pm afterwhich we headed across the road for bubbles (: POWERPUFF GIRLS REUNITES. and mojo wasnt there! (: (:
popped to peek at RP WITH blossom. and left as soon as edison appeared. moreover, we couldnt stand the stench of the ridiculous mixture of food smell despite working there for how long... haha. how ironic.
shopped at bugis. YAY. BLACK SHOES FOR 10BUCKS. MY SIZE SOMEMORE. how much more wonderful could the world be today (: (:
then got a black top which could be worn as a off-shoulder(IT'S A FREAKING 15BUCKS!!though sorta made in china haha. if you consider hongkong as china. LOL). WAHHAHA. err. the only pity thing is about myself. not deh top. i regret over-eating. and hence the spare-tyres that reveal from the figure-hugging top. ): ): ): ): ): ): blossom told me it's a NP cause a belt will do the job. HOW COME I DONT SEE SO?! ok. if im that desperate, perhaps i'll get a corset.. those 18th century kinda thing. cause i dont think i can ever bear to put that piece of caloric cookie or whatsoever down. haha. HOW PATHETIC.

ok yay. end of entry. MY. my entry is so childish. HAHAH. whatever.

):

2009-05-03T21:58:00.003+08:00

im down. and yet. another bigger wave slaps on me.
why am i posting so many sad entries? have i exposed the real me too much out there? to everyone? such that i become so vulnerable and sensitive to the thorns and daggers coming at me?
the last time we quarrelled, my mom cursed at me in a total of 4 languages: hokkien, cantonese, chinese and finally english. she called me names that hurt to deep. or maybe i took it too much to heart, but calling your own child jian4 gu3 tou2 was definitely MEMORABLE. today, for no apparent reason, she compared me with the strays she feeds on the streets. and she used metaphors to sting me. i was sad. i am sad. i asked myself what i did. i couldnt reason out why. i asked my siblings, the best excuse they could help come out with was that my mom wasnt feeling well, she's sugar-low, blah blah blah. but why is it bent on me everytime? and am i really inferior to the strays you interact with for less than a minute? you don't know them and yet you give them the best attention and care you could. while i could only stand afar, trying desperately to recall when was the last time you gave me a hug(you never did). there was only once, just that once you said "mama love you" when i was so depressed and sobering at the door while preparing for school. do i have to resort to such means to get your attention? i do not deny the thoughts of not slashing but scrapping my wrists or like dangling my feet over the window grills.. or the sudden impulse of shaving bald. then again, no, even if i have to, i dont want. i dont want to get hissed and cursed. i fear even to get into your sight, in case i find myself wrapping my face in scott hand towels again.
but i cannot let you out of my sight. i feel uneasy and worried. i fear that something might happen the next minute and i'll never see you again. i fear you get cheated by some scumbag or like what if your health deteriorates? maybe that's why i stay at home so much, yet i find myself closing my room door so you wont notice me..(she scolds me for closing my OWN room door. despite telling her i need to close it for: changing clothes, reading personal messages, making private calls, sorting confidental information, and shielding off light from the kitchen living room and toilet so i can sleep)i tell myself not to think so much for you. cause i'll simply suffocate myself in so many questions. but it's hard.
my friends tell me to turn to Him. and believe that He loves us. but i refused. because again, i fear you'd curse me again. for being unfilial, for following my sister's footstep. and neglecting family traditions and ties... see, it matters so much what you think and say about me, but you treat the matter so lightly. it really hurts. but you dont know, even when im tearing while typing this post.
then my friends suggested that you're menopausing.. but didnt that already occur 7 or more years ago? then why the erratic emotions? maybe cause you're ageing and you're ill. but even so, why is it so happen to be vent on me all the time. you get along so well with your other daughter, joking, laughing, having meals and outing... im so envious. in fact, i figured we never had a happy day out together in the absence of sister. i really ask myself why. there are times i find myself breaking down while in the shower. no, this is no sibling rivalry cause i know i get along well with my sister and brothers. at the very most, it'll be rivalry against the cats, dogs, birds, fishes(and whatever you can name). ridiculous right.
because you make me feel so terrible. i wanna stop. everything.

grudge.

2009-05-01T01:26:00.007+08:00

i just felt this sudden urge to blog. though it isnt really the appropriate time to do so.

when i thought that friendships built for years could never have its trust-ring disintergrated, or at least not so quickly, i was wrong. and here i am. standing alone against the tidal waves of the unknown while realising how confused i am. i am so lost to an extent that i cant express myself clearly.

she introduced me a position. i was thankful and all the more thought i could trust her. we withstood enemies at work, discussed sensitive issues and comforted each other upon setbacks after setbacks. what a pretty story. unfortunately it doesnt end here.

she found her love called Q. and Q is my friend who has now became an even closer friend. the 3 of us got along together like a school of fishes swimming against the current so harmoniously. but cracks on the wall of friendship soon appeared. apparently, to her, i've been such a protective and close friend merely because i know Q is her love. i was so hurt. and i confronted her for it. a good talker, she twisted some words that made me put down the issue, temporarily. until now, i couldnt figure whether to trust her or Q. she described Q like someone so fickle-minded and unpredictable, portraying only her side of the story to gain my sympathy. if Q is really such a person, then who am i to trust now that im losing confidence in her?

because of Q, she threatened her life. (she also tells me of her sacrifices for her ex.) because of her life, i stood up as a friend. and then she said, "why should you care?" im done. i've lost. she also chose to ignore me like a rival and give her 101% attention to Q when we entered her bar together. and so i further affirmed that to her a friend is nothing in front of relationships. Q and her ex are everything to her, or at least 99%. im just a mere 1% there to listen to her woes. i cannot satisfy the desire she needs and wants, and so, im useless. not even a worm wriggling on the fishing hook.

i cannot hold it in anymore. i've gotta voice myself. im not a messenger though i had, have and may continue to be one. i am A FRIEND. don't reach out for my sympathy just because you need my votes to make yourself feel better. and i am certainly do not want to be the last person on your importance list.

Q is tired. is sick. of all your actions and your thinking. because you simply do not face up to reality. somehow, you've always been able to convince me that you come to work next day in high spirits because you do not want Q to be upset. but i've seen through it. the more you avoid it, the more serious the problem gets. but you continue to avoid it and persist in Q saying I LOVE YOU. yes i applaud you for your determination to spark off a relationship, but my dear. when too much tears flow, it's time to let go. afterall, love isnt about oneself. it's about giving. it's about the happiness of your other half and in return, the satisfaction you get. to add on, Q never regarded you any more than a friend.

i see lies. i see a liar. you told me you'd quit drinking. no more alcohol from march. but you got drunk on the day of your birthday. "it's part of my job" "my friends made me drink and i couldnt say no.." ok. i was dumb to believe you. because today i found out that you broke your own vow. you drank at the bar. and you did crazy things like shouting across the crowded bar about your feelings towards one particular ex of yours. yes that ex went overboard for teasing at all your efforts, but people don't change so absurdly in such a short time so maybe she had her reasons? then again, have you really wondered if it was all a one-sided love? like with Q? i feel like a bitch for interfering with your problems but isnt that the same reason why you've been talking to me? seriously. stop making excuses whenever things go wrong. yes she, me, they may be at fault. but it takes two hands to clap. so you are not pardoned either. i know we all make mistakes. but it's only when we admit them that we grow up. and my dear make no lies except the white. surely you dont wanna be just another bootlicker or RONald the second..

i think this is about what i want to vent. or at least for the (mid)night.

maybe i really do not know you that much. that's why the misunderstanding. i know how you tried to let me into your world by inviting me to your house and your gatherings. perhaps it's me who's not making the effort.

then again.

one who cannot treat even a friend well will never succeed in love.

management. welfare. dentist.

2009-04-28T22:32:00.003+08:00

i sat down.

and thought.

what is management?

to coordinate timings
to help people work together
to understand the needs of others and thereby do your best to provide them with it
to seek the best for not yourself but the people who work under you
to forsee circumstances
and hence create pragmatic solutions swiftly
most importantly, ~~learn~~the ability to not only speak, but also act.
anything else?

then i thought.

what is welfare?

compensation in terms money for effort? labour? the lost of valuable time?
level of happiness and/or satifaction of staff
right of knowledge
respect and pride
and then?

then how can i string these up in sentences to relate what i feel the problem in the company is? i cant believe im actually bothered by these when im just a mere part-timer leaving in about a month's time...

anyways. my gum's still swollen. and my mom asked the dentist while getting her teeth scaled and polished. and apparently, im recommended to have it removed O_O. okay... i dont mind actually haha. just that. I HATE VISITS TO THE DENTIST. *faints* im hesitating between withstanding the pain for another month and a half before my polyclinic appointment and the dental clinic downstairs.. the time is loooong. but the price difference is huggggeeee too. :/

swollen gum. swelling mind.

2009-04-25T00:03:00.006+08:00

"Let me know that I've done wrong

When I've known this all along

I go around a time or two

Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away

Find out games you don't wanna play

You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret"

alright. so im currently stuck with a swollen gum due to an ever-erupting wisdom tooth.. it's like EVER-erupting cause i had the totally same sore feeling somewhere last year i think. DANGS. i should really get it removed. but my past horrifying experiences at the dentists just dreads me... all the driling, tugging and polishing.. plus the metal piece poking around your mouth to check for cavities---i think cavities resulted more likely from the poking and digging with the metal thingy rather than bacteria, bacteria merely intensify the situation.. oh wells. say im bullshitting if you want. haha. i just dont like visits to the dentists. AND doctors. the cold feeling of a metal plate pressed onto your chest cavity and it shifting around your sensitive areas are way too much for me. it's like just a mere step away from asking me to strip. O_O so back to the gum issue. it seems that there's actually a trend in catching a cold, having periods, cutting short hair, weight gaining.. and now. EVEN GUM SWELLING. haha. 3 staff including me at the waitressing place currently have swollen gums. so we all cant laugh too much. though we always do accidentally upon seeing the pathetic plight of fellow gum-sweller.

had driving lesson number i-lost-count today. and my engine still stalled. and my reaction with regards to changing gears is still slow. i still move off SLOW. i change lanes dangerously. i hardly check blindspots. i've got seriously bad estimations in distance and speed.. i tend to follow "my heart" and turn my own directions when my instructor says "turn ____", so it is occassionally a coincidence that i turn the direction that im told. see. im a dangerous driver though i drive at a mere 50km/h 80% of the time. the other 20% strictly belongs to 60km/h. see. how am i ever gonna drive on an expressway??

blossom officially quit her job today. abit sudden to the managers though. haha. while on one hand i was upset about her leaving, i felt like a released a trapped bird or some sort that had been restricted and contained.. congrats my dear. you made it (: the operations manager was pissed. but oh wells. that bastard doesnt even know the whole story before judging people. (hence the idiom DUAN ZHANG QU YI) the cafe manager looked speechless, or at least i know we hardly spoke a work throughout the 8 hours we worked together. MOST IMPORTANTLY, they never questioned why the sudden disappearance of a once committed staff, though part-time, you've still gotta admit the efforts she has put into the job. why would people want to leave? so hastily? it all boils down to one root problem. the management.

im pretty much in high spirits today though blossom and i failed to work for the last time together at mint. why so? i don't know. maybe cause of RP again hahaha. i dreamt of him last night actually. for i forgot what but i think it was a sweeeeeeeeeet dream. when i reached mint, the first thing RP said was, "hey, i dreamt of you last night you know?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF BLISS. i repeatedly asked him if he was joking, he said he really dreamt of me. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHA. ok. i should stop it. it's getting irritating, like how i irritated bear bear (staff) on how i ate 2 free cones when he was working his ass off as work. i only got kinda upset when he continued to say he wet dream-ed. -----____-----"" ok. now i really wonder if it's a joke. (NOW YOU SEE HOW YELLOW THE JOKES ARE AT MY WORKPLACE. fortunately, im used to it. i even laugh whenever i heard the F word.) but now. while typing this post in the wee hours. im starting to sober. lightly. cause i know i wont get to work or even see him for most of the next week----i'd probably be thinking of him day and night once again.. and blanking out every now and then with his face popping in my mind. i'll just lose concentration. MANNNNNNNN.(then again, it's a good reason for my to calm down and consider the level of liking. and maybe even dilute the feeling im having).why?cause my schedule's been screwed up and left unconfirmed by the NUS architecture test and interview. plus plus. i got another part-time job just downstairs my house. which pays a pathetic 4 bucks an hour. WHY THE HELL I TOOK THE JOB? i guess im desperate for $$. plus all the travelling is too costly for me. then again, there's really a lot to venture out there. i'll put the job on probation first.

talking about job. i've given up on the flower arranger job. it just isnt me. im not all that demure to stand/sit whole day in a small space to trim and sell flowers. unless it's rafflesia you're talking about. HAHA. now i want my working-hours worth of pay, they're threatening it by saying i'll risk losing it if i dont go back to SGH to "help out" this last time. HMPH. ok. then i'll risk losing it. and risk my reputation amongst the aunties there, sneezing all day long from their hissings. and when that happens. FRIENDS DO ME A FAVOUR AND SMEAR THEIR REPUTATION. it's supposed to be a reputable florist gift shop.

and YES. I MADE IT IN TO NTU biomedial & TCM course!!! WAHAHAHHAA, i've got until like june to reply. so oh wells. i'll leave it first and still head on with architecture or perhaps industrial design. like HOW COOL IS THAT MAN.SHEESH. i've really gotta start pressuring myself to turn interest into passion. a mere liking for everything is not gonna take me far..

FREE CONE DAY!!

2009-04-21T20:57:00.003+08:00

i cant believe i could still do the leave-the-house-within-15-minutes act. O_o

i was intendin to wake up at 6.30am but my i UNintentionally snoozed my alarm clock REPEATEDLY. com'on. ADORE ME. HAHAHA. i ended up waking up at 8.15am which was the time i was SUPPOSED to leave the house for work at 9am. HENG. i was late by only 10minutes and no one will ever realise or think im late cause it's the opening shift! people only enter the shop after 9am and hence the punching in of cards AFTER nine. YAY.

some part-time cook that left for a head chef job (let's call him.. khatib-er... since he lives so near me -_-) returned to help out today since he's being boh eng at the other job. GOOD FOR HIM. haha. but we didnt chat too much, afterall, there wasnt much to say. i only remember myself arranging cutleries, washing rags, making sugar syrup and so many other menial work within 2 hours.. it was quite dragging but indeed satisfying. the only thing i regret is that the manager DIDNT SEE ME WORKING. and hence, the most-hardworking-staff(mojo) is just most likely to fall back into the arms of someone who can act and bootlick. OH WELLS. life is THAT unfair. *stabs repeatedly at mojo's sole. killing her aint the way to do things*

i wasnt really influenced by the incident yesterday(about how blossom was bullied after i left) but it was a constant reminder to keep a watchout for those involved. and i came to find myself gossiping behind doors again about mojojojo. how could someone looking so that average come with a heart of...ulterior motives. it's too hideous to be described.

unhappy things aside. i found myself camwhoring with this idiot before leaving from work.(by the way, he initiated the photo-taking, not me...) haha. so retarded! but so unfortunately, i really like it. AWWWWW. hahaha. swan says he looks like penguin. WAHAHAHA. oh wells. and YES. i ate TWO free cones today(chocolate macademia, chocolate fudge brownie). and tomorrow i shall go up to him and boast. he boasted to me at 2 something before i ended work with a chocolate fudge brownie free cone in his hand. WAH LAO AYE. *smacks his shoulder*---->i really did it. he said it hurts. but i dont believe him.

met up with these babes at 4pm at cathay. WOOTS. and the ice-cream was SUPER satisfying. or maybe OVER-satisfying to my tummy already hahaha. i had a hard time trying to keep it in. jwong only came in at 5.45pm. AND SHE DIDNT GET HER FREE CONE. cause all of us were to lazy and tired to queue again...moreover, we were filled. hahah. SORRY JWONG. X_X

dragged time by window-shopping around after seet and renu left first, after which we headed our own way home.. awwwwwwww. I WANT THE NEXT OUTING TO BE THEMED: SCHOOL UNIFORM. but renu and swan were frowning. i wonder why. really.

oh wells. whatever. here's a random picture of the day. haha. (i love ____ of the day. i dont know why. maybe it's the repeated usage of "soup of the day" at my workplace. hahahahah.)

as mentioned. the photos owed from the last post. i never realised the scenery from the rooftop winebar looked so awesome from the point of view of a lens. really. the cursive words are added by the blossom! abit off though. hahah.

presenting to you:

the powerpuff girls @mint.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

i forgot why we did that. but it's definitely out of a tinge of retarded-ness. LOL.

ok. so, another day of work tomorrow. may all be well.

I WANNA KBOX. SING.

I WANNA CLUB.

i am a materialistic girl suddenly.

real trusty people. thoughts. drink.

2009-04-18T23:54:00.005+08:00

awww. what cute part-timers we've got(this time). haha. there was a surprisingly large turn-out of part-timers today. haha. partially because i wasnt supposed to be there.. but end up back at my post because of a forseen war-zone at the musuem, the bar and the cafe. haha. it ended up that the bar was pretty much crowded yet NOTHING TO DO(i was assigned up there because the bartender and i are good friends). it's especially BOOORRRING when i realised that the male bartender i usually "assault" wasnt coming for his supposedly last day of work. AWWW MAN. i was yawning half the time, and the other half i was leaning against some non-living thing..

i absolutely displayed a so-what-boss-is-here kinda attitude whether or not im working. it pretty much shows part of my character but i wonder if i should continue to behave this way. afterall, a stranger might just think im arrogant. to make matters worse, i have a naturally frowning face whenever i do not realise it or am not smiling. and you know. i usually dont put up a fake smile. i smile geniunely. and laugh with my heart. or maybe my manager was right, the service industry just isnt for me. because i find it tedious to widen the side of my lips the whole day and hide my feelings. it's not that i do not like to smile at people, but i think i enjoy doing things behind the scene.. like, making a mug of cuppiccino, blending endless orders of smoothies and stuff like that. i really like hands-on stuff. perhaps i should continue to pursue learning hairdressing until i figure out whether it is just another short moment of interest or a passion i find it possible to live with the rest of my entire life. i thought of entering the drama scene. but i've got totally no idea where to start with. the cheena playworks surprising priors to the angmoh theatreworks. haha. im just more comfy with chinese i guess. or SINGING. haha. ok. nevermind, just another interest. I THINK.

speaking of chinese. im am SOOOOO upset over the response with regards to the advertisements showcasing young angmoh kids articulating mandarin with clarity and pride. they complained that it is an insult to chinese who are unable to pick up mandarin. like HELLO. *KNOCK KNOCK* (not enough) *BING BONG BIANG* isnt it the whole agenda of the advertisement? to spur arrogant singaporean chinese to pick up their mother tongue instead of "worshipping" english like a passport to access to the entire world. moreover, they are also trying to prove and promote to other races that ANYONE could pick up chinese(or any other language). so why the big fuss over this creative piece of work?

and OH. about wednesday.(shall upload pictures of this part next time).

i broke my yue ding with seet. again. to go clubbing. and instead headed to the bar at my working place with my other 2 colleagues for a drink.. or two actually. we found that gossip's pretty much the only thing we could do at the bar since the genre of the music couldnt be switched due to rigid rules and regulation set by the ~~office people~~management. oh wells. there were a couple of things we did and i cant really point them out in chronological order. so here goes: i walked really un-glamorously though in a dress, because i couldnt take big steps, i i constantly fine difficulty in conquering stairs, running and even walking.( still, i've got totally no intention of signing up for an etiqutte class);arm-wrestled with male bartender(obviously i lost. and i still had muscle ache the next 3 or 4 days. THAT BAD); interrogated the same guy with blossoms cause he wants to introduce his brother to bubbles(im buttercup. whatever lah. stop laughing); drank 2 full-glasses of white wine; turned a black face to edison who keeps poking his nose into everything(edison is a greedy freak. spreads gossip. and thinks he's handsome. HERM.)(he sayang-ed my head suddenly as if he was close in an attempt to enter thepowerpuffgirls' talk..); got into bed less than 5 minutes after reaching home via MRT. which proves how whirly and heavy my head was from the drinks.. (BLARDY. I CANT DRINK COFFEE. I CANT DRINK ALCOHOL. )

so. when's the official clubbing date?

2009-04-10T20:51:00.002+08:00

im such a bored soul.
i spent my PH at home eating. then sleeping.

then i wake up for school of rock.

and started browsing through these some retarded. some emotional. but all really memorable stuff.

pretty random pictures

2009-04-07T22:43:00.003+08:00

my life's been messed up. so i decided to mess up this post's theme too.

sadistic as it may be, but frankly, it's not easily to carve a decent word out.

i totally adore those legs. even though the main thing here are the leggings.

WHOOPS. too skinny but uh. i thought of see-ing it as another kinda of beauty. oh wells. tralalla~. i used to see this in the mirror too.

just pure gore. nothing esle.

ok. i hate this one.

left alone.

2009-04-01T15:45:00.002+08:00

oh okay. this week has just begun and i felt an urge to blog again. i guess im just attention-seeking to be blogging and updating the world about my life.

i came to realise only much clearer since monday how much gossips there were in the company.. all the way from the office and management to the kitchen. but yeah, we mustn't deny the usefulness of gossips. it really helps to keep people (or more like blur sotong like myself) informed about the personalities of people, especially superiors. it's like not im absorbing every single information i get by word of mouth because like what people i trust say: you can see for yourself.

i see my favourite mr nice guy complaining to me in an advisory tone about how he is being made to do thing out of his job scope when he's paid a mere thousand two. and that's for a full-timer. and it's not like he's young, it's not like he's unmarried, it's not like he has no family to support.

i observed how the most loyal employee worked. shank. he just worked and worked without complain. and he did it for the last 2 years. most importantly, he never ever got a pay rise, even though he, alike RP is made to go out of the kitchen to call suppliers and sometimes even wipe tables. he isnt a head chef yet he has to create new dishes. and that's without bonus. i was told he was persistant though reluctant because of the amount he could earn as compared back in malaysia. okay, so he's getting paid double. but then again, i sympathised with him. he never got more than 4 hours of sleep in the past 2 years he served with his heart in the company. why is that so? the inefficiency of the management, the arrogance of the superiors and even so-called friends. these are the factors pushing him down back to the most technical and basic stuff, preventing any "inflation" in his pay or reaching up to sit right next to the managers whom he looked upon as friends, or like, people who would lend over a hand. com'on. im totally disgusted at not only the office people, but also he's willingness to exchange his health for money. but if he thinks he's happy, i'll zip up my mouth.

another innocent party of the company, the little sheep would be the most appropriate description for this full-time staff. people leave and go, but she could only persevere on working in either the cafe or the museum. she couldnt have anywhere else to head. this company holds her work permit. but i see her in smiles everything i go to work, she gets surprisingly happy when she's made to work for longer hours. she reasoned: the manager is trying to give me a chance to earn more money. i felt so, so absurd? i don't know. i was really at a lost for words. didnt she realised how she's being manipulated by the manager and the office people? what OT please, it's just an extra 5.50ph rate paid to you after your official shift.

this sucks. the welfare of the staff labouring down there in the kitchen are not taken care off, just because the cafe doesnt earn enough to cover its own cost. the management people, i would say, are just hypocrites, surrounding the boss like butterflies, sweet-talking him to paint him the prettiest yet also the most unfeasible solutions to problem when they had not even investigated to the roots of the problem. it's like, offering a head-chopping or hanging solution to the murderer who killed the "victim", ignorant of the motive of the murderer. ahh. whatever, im making things sound really complicated. you know why? because that's what the management is doing. they make simple things complicated and complicated things simple. evil monsters, are not the way to describe them.

oh wells. before we get our heads chopped off and exploded from our ever-rising blood pressure, a few of us has found outside jobs to leap out to. this group of people does not so happen to include RP, the one and only bartender, me and some other part-timers. i wish we'd leave at the same thing. then again, isnt this too cruel to shank and the little sheep? i don't know. my mind's in a whirl. cant i just be cold-blooded for another time and leave irresponsibly?

the mind whirl doesnt just stop here. i thought of RP, leaving for yes, a place somewhere way better. he could earn more recognition. he could earn more money. and he could also stand to gain via a widening social circle. i fear. would he forget me? would i ever see him again? and if i do, will he see me? will he remember how i stroked his botak head? what about the times he held my hand with fingers crossed? the times we joked together? the days he attempted to display his martial arts strokes and stances? and his numerous attempts to hug and comfort me at my lowest? time is passing really quick. i've got no idea what to do. im at a losing end, am i? oh wait. i already lost. i forgot.

he made me smile:he bought me a dinner meal yesterday because we worked since noon till closing shift. but it's probably me thinking too much again. he's probably apologetic for losing my G2. that's why.
he made me frown:he told me twice that we'd leave from work together. but he didnt in the end. i figured that's because another guy was waiting for him and he has morning shift the next day. and he's just way pissed at the manager (who said she'd change the closing shift half an hour later since the kitchen closing time coincides with the last order time) such that he doesnt wanna face her for the rest of the day.
smile + frown = emotion-less.
im just.
there.

what i hated this week.

2009-03-28T00:01:00.003+08:00

i hate it when i scheduled out time. and then my ******* choose not to go. and so there went the outing.
i hate it when people complained of my misdeeds when he could have told me straight in the face if i've done anything wrong, what more things that have already been advised by another in public.
i hate it when everyone keeps silent and dont stand up for me.
i hate it when people i trust do not fufill their trustworthy-ness.

i hate it when he praises another one. and tell me how hardworking that one is.

but i can't do anything. everything is beyond my control.
these are the times that life just suck.
oh gosh. i need a drink. eh no. a drink is not enough.

help me name this title.

2009-03-18T20:38:00.002+08:00

hey babes and ~~hunks~~ out there.
oh gosh. it's already mid-march but i've yet to make my intentions to apply for any scholarship since it's release on 5th march. my my my. what a boom! day it was. if i were a couple of cohort back, or like from some other jc, i would have triumphed. together with her even. but times are different, and so are the way people hardcoring through their notes and tutorials. i shall be optimistic and say: im actually not stupid. i was just, wasnt in the right state when i took the papers. yup yups. and so, i shall continue to hesitate to apply for one until the deadline draws even nearer. let's just hopes i wont regret. anyway, LOOK AT THE BLARDY NUMBER OF ~~BITCHES AND BASTARDS~~ out there scoring straight As compared to previous years! how would i ever stand a chance beside them? life's still unfair.
driving has been the lesson i found to have dreaded the most since i was born. i'd rather have gone for some crazy mama training rather than to release clutches and do vertical parking. GAWD. IMAGINE THE PRACTICAL TEST DAY. maybe i'll use: I'D RATHER DO 2 MARATHONS AT A GO RATHER THAN THAT DRIVING TEST. see how much i dread it now. at least i havent got myself into any trouble. and to ensure i keep a clean record, i shall pray as much as possible with all my heart.
hmmm. now what. oh WORK. haha. work has been replacing that whole in my life ever since i stopped schooling(for now duh). so at least im not rotting at home or splurging all my savings away, even though i still do... like, before AND after work. if the stalls are still open that is. (: a couple of polytechnic friends made and some really respectable and not-so-respectable chefs made... tralalala~ of course, in the mean time, i also learnt how nasty some customers could be, such as expecting fine-dining service at our cafe. LAUGH YOUR BLARDY ASS OFF. so many times we, the staff, were tempted to tell such "guests" off: "eh. sorry sir/mdm, if we do not meet your standards, you can just cross the road and head off to raffles hotel. they will provide the service you want.... and oh yar, before you leave, please don't forget to foot the bill. thank you." yea, so i kinda learnt to be more understanding to restaurants that provide lower than usual service, they could be new staff, having trouble opening the blardy cork from that grand chateau 2002, or having other customers to attend. and most importantly, IF YOU EXPECT TO BE TREATED THE BIGGEST LIKE A VIP, TREAT YOUR SERVER AS ONE. plus plus plus, servers are NOT servants. oh. look. so much fumes from last night.
class outing was on monday night. for jianhui. oh wells. great hugs to swan and jwong for "giving me face" to attend the gathering at marina square's breeks. OH MY GAWD. i almost fainted when i first got to know of the venue.. like.. it seems like another working day. but heng it wasnt i was dressed up differently (: YAY. i was OUTCASTED by the girls to sit and stone in front of poor weihan and yuheng who also had got nothing to say. plus, i was kinda half-hanging in "mid-air" thinking of my colleagues like forze and RP. like how busy would the place be. should i go over to the bar for a drink while having a chat forze.. and popping by for RP and shanka. gosh. at least i didnt take my phone out to sms. so rude can if i did that during the dinner. (at least im not so smitten over RP anymore. i thought of you renu too. WHY DIDNT YOU GOOOO...)
was intending to go clubbing with seet tonight actually. but i failed to give her a reply, and TA-DAH clubbing outing cancelled. let's just treat it as a money-saving day for some other clique outing kay my dear (: (:

drew looks at me
i fake a smile so he won't see
what I want and I need
and everything that we should be
i'll bet she's beautiful
that girl he talks about
and she's got everything
that I have to live without
drew talks to me
i laugh 'cause it's just so funny
i can't even see
anyone when he's with me

but now.

i'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly
though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
i gotta take a risk
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway
out of the darkness and into the sun
but I won't forget the place I come from
i gotta take a risk
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

i need to speak out.

2009-02-20T23:06:00.006+08:00

waah shit. is it all that words cramped within me that i feel like my lungs are not expanding more than half their capacity or that im really getting sick again in the midst of my training for my marathon. DANGS.

so YAY. i passed my FTT today. haha. i thought i was pretty fast, since i was able to check it THRICE and be the 3rd one to leave the room---counting from the back. hahahah. oh wells. better safe than sorry. i've really gotta not just hold on tighter to my expenditure, i've still gotta bandage, vaccuum pack and padlock it away from my premises. my expenditure these days have truly been wholesome.

bag-1
pants-3
hair accessories-3
shirt-2
dress-1
shoes-5
slippers-2
sports bra-2

eh. i guess that's about it. and uhh. okay. so now im not very rich afterall. especially when i happen to realise that my savings seemed to be going downhill. haha.

my brother was like : O_O my dear sistar, have you turned into a shopping queen????

then my dad was like : AYE. how many shoes do you want to own?? (currently topping at 11 and still counting---includes slipper, flats, sports shoes and whatsoever that's mine)

then my sis replied: it's the teenage crisis lah. people her age like to shop a lot. at least this proves that i have a sister and NOT a brother.

my mom was like : WAAAH SIAO. NOT ANOTHER BAG!

me: -_-"

in the mean time, besides waitressing, i've been having driving lessons.. and i really suck at it. my starting and stoppings still jerks and i think going at 30km/h is amazingly fast, how come people still wanna go at 80km/h on normal roads? on the depressing side, i've been praying really hard for our results for failure to land in the process of being transported by an aircraft. that's probably the only plane i'd ever hope terrorists will hijack...

last thing is.. i've grown to realise over the YEARS that the kinda men seet likes can be quite charming. WAHAHAHAHAH. im like OH SHIT. HAVE I FALLEN INTO SOME AGE CRISIS AGAIN??? i hope it's just an interest rather than a mesmerisation(whatever you spell it.) yeah. OH PLEASE. but then again, RP's really charming when he sticks his tongue out in mischief, gives a really retarded smile as he squins his eyes..(ok. maybe this part ain charming) and when he pops a cap down his head and starts to dish out plates after plates of delicacies with wholesome concentration. haaaaiiiiz. (if my life were in cartoon motion, i would have fainted)

HELP. I NEED COUNSELLING.. where are my best friends?

2009-02-13T22:35:00.002+08:00

i've been feeling not very good.
results.
strained relationships.
big family quarrels.
money.
time management.
speciated friends.
pressure into stress.

i dont know. i think there's more.

reflection.
i did.
but it only caused more emotions.
and even more sensitiveness.

im sorry dear.
i shouldnt say i didnt know.
it should have been..
i could have been more understanding
and thereby more tolerating.

guilt filled me up.
angst swallowed me.
lost among reality.

dangs. life's a real real.
straw.
i swear i hate vulgarities.

happy chinese NIU year.

2009-01-26T18:22:00.004+08:00

斷了的弦再怎麼連

我的感覺妳已聽不見

妳的轉變像斷掉的線

再怎麼接音都不對

妳的改變我能夠分辨

我沉默妳的話也不多

我們之間少了什麼不說

哎喲

微笑後表情終於有點難過

握著妳的手

問妳決定了再走

我突然釋懷的笑

笑聲盤旋半山腰隨風在飄

搖啊搖來到妳的面前繞

妳淚水往下的掉

說會記住我的好

我也彎起了嘴角

笑

yay. im done with my promoting job that requires me to shout and stand whole day long. while the pay wasnt exactly what any JC student should be getting, the boss was quite nice la. he gave an extra angpow along with gifts in the form of his shop's new year goodies. and KIMCHI. yay.

met a couple of new friends. including one interesting jap guy. HAHA. so cool worx. like he only speaks abit of english.. it's so unfair, just because he speaks jap, he earns more than me and does lesser than me HAHA. oh wells, the pic above was when he had long hair. HOW INTERESTING. but he's bald like all the army boys now. i guess he had to shave it due to work.

also met hongkies and china bakerman. LOL. my dad had ingrained in me that chinese are very hardworking and that's why MNCs like to employ them while the native employees detest them. however, i got a "culture shock" when i see him sleeping at the store behind the stall everyday. HAHA. and he really sleeps like a log. HAHA. but he gives me shivers down my spine cause he kept praising me. HMMM. first he said i was hardworking. then he said my eyes were big. then he said he liked my voice( the voice itself or the volume? i dont know.) ahh whatever. and he so happens to stay at simei. how cool is that. HAHA. my colleague cheryl agreed with me that simei is filled with weird people HAHA.

i also met with this cat-high-hci guy who does cheerleading at NUS high. like WOW. at first i didnt associate cheerleading males with feminism. but his obsession with a gay working around and his constant slapping and waving of arm and wrist made me convinced that he's a bisexual---he had a gf. ALL DEH BEST FREDDIE!

then there's vino, vanessa, leona---I LOVE HER EYES AND HER NAME., geraldine, helen---she deh most efficient baker i've seen. and all the other aunties working around. it was fun sharing samples with one another. so we got to eat a wide variety of food without paying. HAHA. so fun (:

last night i found myself cursing at vadi once again. for not giving me my promo result slip. afterall, he lost the original, the re-printed and the re-reprinted. i severely need it for my profile whether or not im applying for a scholarship. cause i am affirmed that YES MY PROMO RESULTS LOOK BETTER THAN BOTH MY PRELIMS AND MY COMING A LEVEL RESULT SLIP. i cant help feeling down again whenever i think about econs. what if i really flunked it badly. yes it's a what if, but there's also a possibility. and i know it myself the best. who doesnt want to convince herself that she wouldnt do badly for her examination?

so it's the first day of the first lunar month and i find myself recovering from food poisoning. im not supposed to be anyhow eating. but who really cares. it totally spoils the fun if the food is controlled, though it would positively help also to control my weight.----the whole world of girls are complaining of weight gain. do you realise that?

alright. today is kinda a bore. temple and one house-visit and we're back home. and it hasnt rained.---i also consider pouring as rain. ): ok. after new year, it's part-time job and driving instructor searching...

no more hopes pinned on recruit express. and so no high-end jobs like attachments at clinics or lab technicians. i find myself needing more freedom and fun. im turning back to friends who do not aspire so high and far to guide me through. suddenly, their lives seem more feasible and down-to-earth. at most, i turn myself back to doing technical stuff like hairdressing and coffee-brewing. afterall, researching and managing was never in my "what-i-want-to-be-when-i-grow-up" list. then again, maybe it's just be thinking about, "that lawyer/doctor/vet will never be me. cause the dream is too far and tough to achieve. im just an ordinary person. i can never get up there with strings unattached.".

think about it.

2009-01-17T00:59:00.002+08:00

hey people.
i am so tired.
i work about 10 hours a day. standing and talking to customers all day long.
i return home and binged on "dinner" at 12am.
NO WONDER i gained weight even before its CNY.
but then. hungry. don't care.
i work with people of the same age.
it's really really fun. i must say.
and i get free food here and there from all the sharing of food samples between stalls.
we laughed, joked and whined like a neighbourhood.
that's really heart-warming.

last night i happily dreamt that i was getting married.
and the bloody alarm clock rang.
so the groom's face was still a blur.
let's see if there's a season 2 tonight.

back to the job thing.
i've been ~~de-moted~~ promoted to a promoter. from a baker assistant.
to handle and draw in all sorts of customers.
i swear this is a tiring job.
especially when customers come together in "gangs" to order and try out food samples.
and leave together..
leaving us one-moment-bored-dead, one-moment-hectic-dead.

so my next job shall be slacker.
so i can focus on driving.. quick quick.
and yes. guitar.
it has been so not rotting at a corner of my room.
unless you expect me to practice it every night at this time.

ok. see ya. and if you really do. please don't tell people where i am.
PLEASE.

2009-01-07T23:34:00.002+08:00

a couple of stuff to complain, whine and wail about. so here goes my day. today DUH.

tried to climb out of bed in the morning but the wind was blowing me back to bed (yar. bullshit i know. but just fill yer minds with imagination la) so there goes my morning run.

headed to SSDC for apply for my PDL, sign up for FTT and INTENDED to deposit some cash into my account. surprisingly, the system could not.. then i was thinking why syah's driving centre could. EEYER. damns. that means i'll have to spend another 93 cents x 2 = 186 cents in order to book my trial theory test. DAMNS.

i was ~~such a noob~~ lost when i went to apply for my PDL.

i didnt know where the queue number should be taken
i didnt know that there was a form to fill in before going to the counter
i didnt know payment was ONLY by NETS--WTFWTFWTF.
i didnt know how to do the eye test--GAWD KNOWS "E" IS UP DOWN LEFT OF RIGHT.

~~and i really didnt know the reference sheet was right in front of my face on the glass panel.~~

yeps. i guess the woman serving me at the counter got abit impatient the moment i gave her this reaction: "O_O. OOOH. there's a form to fill arh.. i didnt know.." so she pressed the next TWO numbers to her counter. SO THANKS ARH. when i was doing my eyetest, THREE PAIRS OF EYES were staring lah. yes the test was easy. BUT CERTAINLY STRESSFUL. then thank goodness this random guy helped me to pay my PDL with his NETS (of course i returned him the money).

went to AMK library to kill a bit of time since there wasnt really a queue at SSDC except when applying for PDL----FILLED WITH 20++ CHINESE DRIVERS-WANNABE LAH. called sister..

" ahh halo. im at AMK central.. "

"orh. but i want to go northpoint leh.."

"ok lor. then (you come fetch me)* i wait for you outside the library"

"ok." ---phone hung.

in the end.. i waited for 50 minutes!! and she thought that i was at yishun library!! WTH. ok. so i spent my lunch alone.. in misery~~. NAAAH. kidding. i was having fun scamming kfc with my student ez-link. WAHAHAHHA.

at night it was SUPPOSED to be my first guitar lesson. but err. i guess it was miscommunication, my class should be starting next week. THANKS ARH. (so, since i cant attend the next 2 lessons and class's also cancelled for the CNY week, i'd be starting my lesson officially ONLY IN FEB. pfff.) but oh wells. since im there.. i just SAT DOWN for the next 1 hr.. at first i kinda stoned cause attention wasnt on the new students! now there's this melody stuck in my head.. cause they were playing it over and over again...

back home. i "hugged" yuheng's guitar for the next 2.5 hrs even though nothing was taught. aiya. the stupid chords. so hard to memorise. i ended up yahoo-ing for acoustic guitar instead.. then via a video, i figured out the strings to pluck and which to press.. just that, it's a super dubper elementary method.. (similar to how people=me=people=me=people=me=people start playing the piano with 2 fingers AND without even knowing how to read the notes.)

yh totally made my day when he asked, "who's pink?" lol. and oh yea.. apparently, there's a rock band called pink floyd. so confusing right. EEEYER. (and he didnt know pink floyd either. let's just take it he's too mesmerised by jay chou.)

ok. work starts tomorrow. at 2pm, instead of 8am. ---I THOUGHT I GOT SCAMMED. ok forget it. pointless to complain anymore. i really should. forget it.

siao why today so hot.

2008-12-30T18:17:00.002+08:00

before i begin..
ALL HAIL YUHENG !!
haha. YAY. so i've managed to kidnap his old guitar so i can demand for a ransom when he wants it back. MUAHAHAHA. but really. SO PAISEH. need to trouble him to bring it to the mrt.. not like he lives right next to the mrt... I OWE YOU MAN.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! so exciting.. i got a guitar at home--though not mine. HAHA. still. something foreign to examine at.. just that.. i need to first get a cloth to wipe his precious guitar.. then soon after get my own guitar so he can get his precious back.------sounds like lord of the rings.. "MY PRRECIOUSSS..." lol.

ok. that was the noon. morning was quite some work too. cause im unemployed, and unlike guys, i am not required for NS.. so I HAVE TO GET A JOB. i figured out recruit express is too inefficient so i better get things started on my own.. like via the classified.. i called and called.. my ear got heated up from all the callings la... bad bad. then i managed to get 2 interviews.. one at amk mrt at 2pm the other at upper bukit timah..

first rush: to meet yh at 1pm at yew tee. HENG I WAS ON TIME. or i'll probably owe him 2 meals..
second rush: to get home to rest the guitar before heading for amk mrt. notice that i didnt even have time for lunch.. so i decided to forgo the amk interview to grab a short bite at home.
third rush: to upper bukit timah for the interview cause i have no idea how much 852 hates me---which means, it always takes it time whenever i need to rush somewhere with its help. in fact, all public transport hates me.

YAY. i got a PART TIME JOB. enough to keep me busy until the eve of chinese new year.. yes it lasts only that short before i'll find myself pleading at the doors of recruit express again. so i'll probably get another job in february..

here's a quiz with no prize (except for yh.. i feel like half my life owes him.. okay make it a quarter.)
guess my first job:

cashier
bartender
baker
bra promoter
vet nurse

let's see who makes most sense---doesnt mean you get it right HAHA.

i'll just say, my job doesnt pay well.. but I LIKE (: i also find my employer quite friendly.. like i can sms bs to him WAHAHAHAH. no la.. as in short forms and smilelies that sort of thing. and the best part of it.. he's call MELVIN. i almost choked out of (discreet) laughter when he told me his name. oh wells. those who know me KNOWS why.

so i ended my interview at around 3.20pm and loitered around beauty world and stuff---i wanted to rush (#4) to accompany my mom for her checkup which was at novena but she turned me down. i finally realised i couldnt find the bus-stop after stepping out of beauty world shopping centre.. or what beauty plaza or what bukit timah shopping centre... so i spent the next 40 minutes or so walking around UNDER THE BLARDY HOT SUN just to find the ORGANY BUS-STOP. and that was even with a directory.. imagine i didnt had one.. i'd probably have taken 2 buses AT LEAST. (now you know renu.. yesh i am very poor thing)

all that walking was enough. and so i cancelled my plan of running.. especially when the sky was turning dark. again.----it always turns dark whenever im planning to do some individual outdoor activity. DARN. which means. IT HASNT RAINED SINCE THE PART 45 MINUTES. !!!!!!!!

my journey in yunan, china

2008-12-25T15:52:00.012+08:00

ok. yay. im finally back from my holidays. and finally, there's radio, internet and television. MOST importantly, clean toilets that are charge-free so you won't have to hop in urgency as you dig out 0.5 RMB notes outside the best toilet the region could offer.

then again, my body's back in singapore. but i think my mind's stuck with shangrila...[i'll tell you why as this essay goes]

after purchasing a huge bottle of martell which we intended to drink in china to keep warm, what else could you do to kill 45 minutes at around 2am in the morning of the 16th.

CAMWHORE.

tired from the wait.

we first arrived at KUNMING, the capital city of yunan. it was 8 sth am and everyone was DEAD. DEAD. and DEAD. china eastern was a squeezy flight.. with a mom and daughter sitting in the same row as me.. GOSH. the girl couldnt sleep so she kept making noises while the mom has obviously made herself comfortable by removing her shoes and her socks-enclosed feet overlapping into my arena. best of all. it turns out that the both of them are in the same tour group as us... -_-"

i think we first arrived at a temple... but i didnt find it very holy or whatsoever with the turtles, tortise and fishes frozen to death in the pond. unless i deem it as their recarination.

the very first park we visited in kunming. ok. there were surprising a lot of people on a weekday. it turns out. ALL OF THEM WERE RETIREES AND THE AGED. ok. that's a huge ageing population. off with the blabbering i wanted to make and let's just follow the photos. [ cause im typing with badly cracked fingers due to dryness over at yunan.]

pretty trees (:

seagulls that migrated to the park. initially due to the warmer climate.. then the amount of food people are giving out. there are stalls set around the pond selling bread..

we next found ourselves at a teahouse. and we drank cups of tea... BAD. that means toilet. which i visited. ok. it was clean. BUT. NO LOCK. and to make matters worse.. the door was GLASS. with words only to make them translucent. see how OPEN the chinese have become.

animal moulds made out of pu-er tea. IM AMAZED.

mushroom moulds?

this frog caught my attention. it totally reminded me of seet. not cause of it being a frog. but.. the EYEs. quite familiar... and no neck somemore.

the next day, we headed further up the mountain to some dinosaur valley. from 1900 sth metres above sea level to some 2000 sth metres.. FREEZING at 10 degrees already. somemore still got tram ride = MORE WIND.

my dad captured by 2 bandits. HAHAHA. no la. the air is just too unbareable[i cant spell] to be inhaled.

i was drawn to the fact about all or most of the dinosaur gathering in the same area to die. and the size of the park.. so singapore's really nothing.. i was even pondering over why people would chose to tour singapore. almost everything is man-made and we do not offer any cheap and value-for-money products. why then? is singapore that attractive? or are they just materialistic..

first shot for the buildings within just one part of the park.

second shot for that pretty face. HAHA. she's our guide for the park which proves the size of it.

we headed to dali with.. i think a 4-5hours coach ride. lol. the toilets on the way were really amusing yet. kinda appettite-killing. imagine this scenario. withstanding a temperature of 6-11 degree celcius, you see a small sheltered block the size of an ordinary HDB room. you step into it, only to be taken aback that there's NO DOOR. and the walls end BELOW YOUR WAIST. then the scene gets even more horrifying. there is NO FLUSHING SYSTEM. and you almost fainted when you see a hole with a slope that sends out your waste through the walls down to behind the little house. anyone could just stand there and SEE EVERYTHING your ass gives out. i found it utterly amusing when you see steam as you erm.. leak. like "WOAH. SO COOL." another thing is, for such facility, you still have to pay 0.5RMB which is equivalent to S$0.13 or so.

our baizu dali guide. photographer=dad.

this just so happens to be another doorless toilet at another spot where natural dying is being carried out. AT LEAST THERE'S FLUSH. and AT LEAST THERE'S NO OPEN AIR HOLE UNDER MY BUTT. ooh. that explains my dried up butt. =_= even my waist and thighs is covered with flakes of dried epidermal cells.

"er hai" their lake is so huge in dali that the commoners just name it as a sea. the water is ultra clean cause its people treasures it for its importance.

on the way to lijiang, we came across this mine. look like a heart. so i just took it. NICE HOR.

green green grass of home. sometimes i wished i was born there.

the mountains. the fields. making the long bus rides worthwhile.

sakura. no need go japan le.

at a old town of lijiang, we toured a street called "si fang jie" and came across many small dogs. and even kittens. all of them puffed up from the chilling breeze. SO KAWAII.

at lijiang, we managed to catch up with a show directed by the famous ZHANG YI MOU and some 2 other more-famous-in-china directors... there was 3 parts in the show. depicting their culture, lifestyles and romance. the cast consisted of 500 men, 100 women and 50-100 horses. all handpicked by the directors and from the minority tribes. i must say i was truly touched by these people. i wonder how many hearts they influenced and how many trickles of tears were flowed. having been living high up in the mountains at a high of about 2300m above sea level since they ancestors have settled, how have they survived the harsh climates? what about the diseases they encountered? the globalisation that is forcing them to part their simple i-just-wanna-stay-alive kinda mindset?

such thoughts led me into deeper reflection. we people from developed countries travel to countrysides thinking that we would meet innocent nice people who would open their arms wide to welcome us. and it is the tourists whose minds are filled with ideas of how to take over the area one day into endless wealth or to take advantage of cheap goods and souvenirs provided. then again. i face this irony. it is in fact the tourist today who are the simple-minded creatures, who enter a land of unknown, meeting the natives who are filled with scheming thought of ways to rob your valuables. poor thing. what a vicious cycle.

the men singing. surprisingly, i found (some of)them attractive. so man. WAHAHAH.

another interesting thing is the way they piggybag the women. the man held on the the woman's knee as the latter lenes[ahhhh! can't spell] on the guy's back.. apparently, this is used when a woman gets married. the guy have to carry the girl from her house and walk his way back without putting the girl down. it is said that if he did, his bride would be eaten by a tiger or something -_-" i only thought of how muscular the guy must have been.

their stage = amphitheatre. the audience seated in a way to face to snow mountain at the back, heighted at 5000 over metres. LOOK. man is so small in the midst of overwhelming scenic views..

after "perving" at a few males and tearing from the show, we had to squeeze through the crowd in order to board on their "green bus". it seems china is really genuine about protecting their heritage and all. they've got such clean transports, whether buses or trams, that run on batteries instead of diesels so that as little damage and pollution is brought about to their pretty environments. unfortunately, what they failed to realise, like singapore, is the source of the electricity to charge those batteries.. *shakes head* then again, unlike singapore which has almost no natural resources, china has its rivers and winds to generate cleaner electricity.. in fact, most countrysides that i scanned through and running on electricity running on dams... and did i forget to mention that more than 80% of the buildings in kunming are running on SOLAR energy? like, literally, you see each house has it's own solar panel... but AGAIN, it aint fair to compare it with singapore... look at own climate.. it pours suddenly every now and then.. any thing would just degrade itself ASAP under such "unfriendly" conditions. so i cant help but to place some blame on the tropical weather.

another thing i wanna mention is its people. while the government has made its own commendable efforts, it's people are not. you could see the men smoking EVERYWHERE. and i bet at least 40% of the litter generated in the country are made up of cigarette butts. so imgaine how much second-hand smoke i've inhaled... and if you wonder why they smoke so much, it all boils down to their culture. many tribes/races believed that if a man doesnt smoke and/or drink, he's like gay. or sissy... so just make your own judgement.

so back to what i was attempting to say. the crowds were really impatient and rude... and mostly made up of people from C and T. so uhh, in return, i got to be more ruly and pushed back too. YAY. ok. no joke cause there's children and elderlys... while waiting for the bus, you could constantly feel a force coming from all the pushing ang tugging behind. HOW IRRITATING. there's this point of time when two bad zhar bor-s tried to cut our tour group's queue.. and so my nanny-guide hissed at them and shouted fiercer than any woman i've seened. GOSH. but it was kinda satisfying to demoralise those 2 women a bit, afterall.. they were really arrogant.

a tweeny little peek of one of their 4 natural lakes. unfortunately, it contained too much minerals such that animals couldnt live off it.. only plants and algae -_-. and like many times during the journey, i wished my camera was NIKON or had better resolution like.. 8 megapixels or something. or even better, if only the camera were my eyes.

i forgot which tribe.. the yi or the naxi tribe.. i was told they worshipped frogs.. and erm. find it adorable.. i just couldnt figure out why from the picture below..

at a park in lijiang.. i was still surprised by the number of aged exercising... and to add on to my amazement.. THEY WERE ALL SO FIT!! imagine standing and squatting repeatedly without the help of your hands at 70... O_o. and playing badminton ? O_O.

not in the park, but somewhere between lijiang and shangrila on the coach.

I LOVE SHANGRILA though the climate totally ruins my skin all over. look at how vast their land is!! and their herds of buffaloes???[you know those long long hair cows.. i forgot what it's called in english OH WELLS] and pigs and PIGLETS!!!

because of the scarcity of water on the highlands, the zhang tribe calls this the holy lake/sea/whatsoever. which i kinda agree. and uh, this is a protected area by the way. (: (:

open this up and you'll see those black dots better... WAh LAH! all dung. but it doesnt stink. really!

the background is the kitchen cum living hall of a zhang's house. I LIKE THE SPACE.

after a night stay at DI QING hotel, we took a plane back to kunming in 40 minutes while our poor trusty driver was left to return back all by himself with his bus which broke down TWICE in shangrila due to the sheer coldness. and his trip would take 10 hours.. POOR CHAP. i could hear most tourmates whinning about a different driver at kunming...

we got down to this place called shilin, i.e. stone forest in direct translation. everything you see there today were all once the corals, sea and all. it was all due to earthquake that such masterpieces were pushed up.. so cool right..

2 uses of this photo. one for my mum. the other.. HAHA... you make the guess yourself.

man-made pond in shilin. and filled with tons of over-fed fishes..

rental of costume: 10RMB = abt S$2.50

corrosion in a PIG. YEAR OF THE PIG. lol. ok random.

this is some other tourist attraction called QI CAI YUN NAN, aka seven coloured yunan... oh wells. the tribe here had somewhat been influenced by the thais after living at their border.. and hence their buildings looked thai too. this place reared countless of peacocks...

at dinner we returned to the hotel where we lodged ourselves for 2 days.. and that very night me and my sister abandoned our parents at the hotel to tag along with a couple of other aunties and ladies including our nanny-guide to a nearby hairsalon.. afterall who could resist the cheap temptation??

my first experience as a taitai in alien form. they washed. treated. steamed. then washed again. then blow then cut my hair -_-"

the next morning at kunming, we went to another mountain... ( seriously, there's countless of highlands at yunan.. which itself IS a highland..) we took a tram while some others walked. *SHIVERS* we visited a cactus garden then zhongkui's 12kg knife and some 20kg sword. MAD. after which we kinda ended our destination at some clock tower.

go ahead. laugh. we assumed the english was correct when the building were first built. but the glue was weak so the words dropped and the illiterate gardeners mispelt them.. oh wells. i think it meant: cactus and succulent plant greenhouse.

this is a lake called dian chi.. which covers an area half the size of singapore. it kept reminding me of the sea between singapore and malaysia..

yunan is a beautiful place. but i love shangrila still. people there live without materialism and notes are almost nothing. to quote my guide, money not spend are afterall, still paper. and in times of survival and death, what can money bring?? the zhang tribe relied on their religion to overcome all obstacles in life. indeed. you cant really be on your own under such circumstances.

i was surprised i didnt leave singapore with reluctancy.. then i got it. it is shangrila where i want my soul to live. although the scenery may not be the best, and definitely not the climate, there's this natural attraction at this place which, shall be left unexplained. maybe that's why my heart was aching when i boarded planes to places closer and closer to home.

oh. belated merry christmas babes. in the mean time, it's back to reality to hunt for a job and overcome driving. one day. i'll return to shangrila until i find another place of peace for the body and soul.

predictions

2008-12-15T11:14:00.002+08:00

I failed my BTT.
I betrayed my good friends.
H7 gave me a cunning smirk when I spoke to his gf.
I continued to be unemployed throughout the vacation.
I flunked my 'A's. and I cried like hell. But my parents didnt bother.

I dont know whether to give a sigh of relief that it's just a dream, or more specifically, a nightmare.. or to rise into tension.

SORRY SEET THAT I PANGSEI YOU. gosh. you totally made me guilt-ridden.

ok. so that's for the short post. Hopefully I really get internet access over there at yunan where temperature in the area range from -15 to 4 degree celcius..

we prom. we club. we chalet-ed.

2008-12-06T19:11:00.004+08:00

dec 3:

i was wondering how ironic. save the last dance, but yet no dance was performed, except for nominees of dance king. oh wells. so whatever. a few things to mention since i couldnt gather enough time and effort to blog. so you may kindly refer to seet's blog. (:

YAY. im so happy i managed to take pics with so many people whom i never really know and who never knew i existed. WAHAHAHAHAH. courage ftw man. wheee. i guess char and seet will know what exactly im speaking about. probably in bliss. HAH.

no one really sat down during prom and the entire hall was clumped here and there with flashes blinking independently of what was happening on the stage. there were, of course, couple of embarrasing moments. say when i enter the hall and knocked my head against this lowly elevated spotlight or something. DAMNS. i hate the guy for saying, "aye, be careful arh! this one very expensive leh." THANKS ARH. and i have confirmed that the PA system there sucks A LOT. so much for a 5-star hotel.

when prom ended, STUPID MEL got me to be the photographer of he and his good friend. i swear he's dead for putting me in that situation, and also for not coming for class chalet. !!!!!!! *stomps*

after jwong changed her clothes, seet's papa sent us to clarke quay where i could see him waving bye bye and take care to us and particularly his clubber-daughter. XIE XIE NI WORH. one thing about clubbing for me is that the lesser the familiar people the better, and hence, though we entered and exit many clubs, whether themed horny or army-boys, laughter and fun wasnt to the max, and obviously, so was alcohol. no matter how comfy the chairs are, or how painful the shoes are on our feet, NO WAY are we gonna sit beside all the rj clubbers.

we ended out clubbing night out at zouk, which we saw many many merlions hanging out around the area. i was super disgusted by the amount of semi-solids generated out of those drunken bodies. EEEEEEEWWWWWWW. at first it was full house, but aiya, we got our entry via velvet [ it is NOT the same as underground velvet] where i was the only one whose IC need not be checked. hmm. ok. i admit i looked old :/ I AM A MAMA-SAN BRINGING MY GIRLS OUT FOR SOME FUN. we were trying to camwhore when this angmoh came over and tried to take picture of himself instead. eh, not very funny. but since angmoh's thinking are quite skewed from asians and that i think he was drunk... there goes.

dec 4:

char was the determining factor with respect to the time we would be leaving her house for breakfast.. and we finally did at about 11am. LUNCH ALREADY LA LADIES. gossiped a lil and we parted. THANK YOU CHAR! (:

went home to do some chores so as to please my mom for me to go to chalet with a peace of mind. and i did it. especially when i travelled all the way to chinatown with her for some tour briefing and stayed for dinner before heading to pasir ris from there.

i was literally jumping and hopping around in anxiety for fear that i would reach the place too late. and especially dying on bus no.3 which took 35 min to reach my destination instead of the supposed 15 min claimed by F. i went into the chalet and the first thing i did was to call F. and yell in to phone. hahahah. we pooled as we get to see how peixuan gets asked for her no. by some just-entered-army-but-want-to-get-gf-looking guy. seet had to leave early on a last minute call. ): and so she missed staying over for the second year of chalet. we later spent the night playing polar bear and some peanut game. which i forgot the name.

dec 5:

they fell unconscious at 3 sth 4 am? i was awoken by the hunger pangs, the accomplice of the coldness... which the remote indicated a mere 26 degrees. YOU KIDDING ME?? STILL SO COLD?

after a dramatic breakfast where an ah beng displays his immatureness by smoking in a non-smoking area, we headed for cycling for 2 hours while syah had 1 before praying time. cycling was FUN. haha. although there were many amusing moments like how i couldnt ride up a lil slope and bad aches on my thighs, FUN. I LIKE CYCLING. YAY. so cycling's officially on my list of what-to-do-with-friends. YAY YAY YAY.

lunch was anyhow. really anyhow since the big event's at night with the bbq. THANKS KS FOR COMING DOWN (: I LOVE YOU (: uh, as for those that couldnt make it, ok i know you got your own reasons la. yuheng's like imba at making the charcoal burn and weihan makes good partner in hand. and i think im good at making the dark cloud go away *twists* afterall im mrs rain. WAHAAHAHAHAA. oh. great appreciation to jolyn loh wei ting for organising the bbq. i think she kinda ate most of the cost due to low turn out rate, and she didnt even ask us to pay more! WE OWE YOU MANS.

played a bit more and the food was quickly packed to be brought up to the chalet.. leaving me and ks dumbfounded cause we thought the plate of chicken wings placed on our table were for us to finish.... renu and i sent ks off at about 10 sth 11pm? then jolyn accompanied me to send renu off at approximately 12am. haha. com'on i need the walking to wake up so i could bathe.. eleanor came really late and ks pleasantly surprised us with her return. I AM SUPER TOUCHED. in fact, all of us were. I LOVE YOU KS. LOVE YOU. LOVE YOU.

dec 6:

KO-ed by 1am.

literally sat up on bed at 8.30am when (i think) weihan opened the door for wake up call. haha. and ALL HAIL WEIHAN for bringing a big toothpaste. we all took it for granted. and jianhui is even more imba, "who got spare toothbrush?"

guys. please learn to crack a half-boil egg. haha. weihan proved himself incapable once again this morning.

took bus no.39 back with vanessa and talked and talked until the bus ride was enjoyable, though itself was already a breeze. like khatib to pasir ris in 20 minutes or so?

time to pig out. with self control (:

2008-11-29T13:20:00.002+08:00

thanks to a person called mom,
now i feel like a bitch.
she commented that i am insensitive in my words.
and yelled me a demon.
so i decided not to have lunch since a demon doesnt eat proper food.
i couldnt help but ask,
if im the demon, then what's mom?

my first clubbing (:

2008-11-27T17:30:00.004+08:00

the day started less enthusiatically for me. like who will dress up to go the the ssdc to sign up for basic theory driving test? in fact, i was hesitating between school and private with loads of fear that i will fail the test repeatedly even if i took school lessons[examiners are biased. that's why school students have a higher passing rate than private students]. so seet headed on with her motorcycle lessons with the school while i decided to pass one, basic and two, final theory tests.. after which for practical i learn BOTH school and private. I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT I NEED TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY TO GET A LOT OF PRACTICE TO PLUCK UP A LOT OF COURAGE TO ELIMINATE THE ~~A LOT OF~~ LOAD OF FEAR WITHIN ME. yay. so settled. oh and yar, the whole world was amazed at how seet parents actually allowed her to learn motorcycle.. but to tell you the truth, given the fact she's an only child, of course she can ~~force~~ ask them for permission lor. my parents and siblings are dead against the idea. HMPH.

me and seet then headed on to amk hub to have lunch during which seet asked if i was free on monday. so i like said. "yea i think so! yay. can shop somemore" BUT THEN. i later realised i should have said "no im not free" so she'll accompany HIM alone. WAHAHHA. ok la. i think if i were her, i would feel awkward going out one-one with an opposite sex. so oh wells. ok, i'll tag along. since i havent found my shoes either.[and i can't go shopping for shoes today since 3 out of 5 toes had blister from yesterday.. but it was all worth it mans]

initially i was afraid that my mom would be upset that i went out again but i think it was the confirmation that i booked a test day that made the night outing possible. YAY. so i had dinner and met seet at ~~7.30~~ 7.45pm. i had problem figuring out how to put eyeliner so it doesnt make me a panda when it smudges. i think i did it. YAY. just that i kinda broke part of my eyeliner in the process. maybe i should use less force while drawing next time.

our ingenious friend who gave my six choices of clubs to choose from when there was only one---she was dying to enter zouk, didnt know how to get there. YAR THANKS. so i had to sms my friend working there. alright. the "frankenstein" over the phone had bloody forgotten the bus number there -_-". so seet and i decided to abandon zouk for some other time[YES WE'RE GOING AGAIN] and choose between orchard's thumper and clark quay/boat quay. we sincerely wanted to avoid familiar faces so we headed for the later.

on the train, i found myself to be an irritant. seet says im too high, but i kept making noises and weird faces on the train... i was drunk without alcohol... maybe it was the milk.. it tasted bitter. i don't know why.

i think the ground on clark quay is cursed. the other [butterfactory] time i walked there i got blister.. and so is this time. i think they should install a travellator or something... so anyways, we were too early even though the sun has long set. we ~~strolled~~ brisked walk for 30 minutes before reaching the arena only to find the night to begin at 9.30pm. GREAT. and CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SEET WAS HURRYING ME TO WALK FASTER THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT??? gosh. she's that desperate for ~~men~~ clubs and their ~~freeflow~~ of drinks.

so we sat down at Macs for a drink before entering arena. OH. one of the bouncer is damn robust and tall. and his hair was mama cool. like like a strap of grass on a monk's head. just that the grass is black. HAH. we had a couple of glasses of sex on the beach [freeflow] and got REALLY BORED. cause there's no one dancing and neither is there anyone singing, just loudly music thumping and err.. lazer lights in a dark room that is definitely not suitable for mugging. haha. it was seet's lucky day or something where she met her polo friend. OK. CHIOBU-S MEET UP. in the mean time, i examined the surroundings, T-shaped elevated stage, high tables and chairs, couple of really tall angmohs.. some hot bods.. 1 guy in every 20 girls walking in... uh... BIG BAGS. LIKE BLOODY HELL WHY DO I HAVE TO HAND OVER MY BIG WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY SMALLER BUT SHE SHE AND SHE DOESNT???? then there was this group of 3 girls bouncing on the spot to the music. SELF-HIGHNESS. cause only they were bouncing. the word bounce used kinda literally. haha.

we took a few shots and left the place for some other clubs. and ta-dah. we stopped at gotham. seet calls it "got-tham" while i prefer the primitive method "got-ham". and i don't think we were drunk. yet. we sat at a corner seat behind a pillar cause seet wanted to avoid the same friend [she also translocated with her friends to many clubs]. there was a live band singing and playing. WOAH. ALL OF THEM ARE DAMN PRO. there was 2 female and 1 male singers. they could sing practically any song. and the guy, i applaud him for his wide vocal range with absolute accuracy in pitch and melody. damn high can.. i then see 4 teenage girls wriggling on the empty dance pool... hmmm. how fun. but the music was really luring so seet and i stood our grounds and shook on the spot after a few sips of soda-vodka. i swear it wasnt nice but o k la. drinkable.

the toilet at gotham was. AMAZING. the tap was a shower head. SERIOUSLY. and i thought it was auto. i thought la haha. only thing i could say was. WHY THE BLOODY MIRROR SO NARROW. people want to check eyeliner also cannot. after camwhoring a few disturbing shots outside the toilet, ok! we left.

we thought the cannery was a club. but it ends up that. the cannery is the entire block. and there is no MOS anymore.. even though my zouk friend said it had only changed its name to global underground... which i don't know where the hell it was. or is. it was the last club that night and time was running out.. uhh, we just picked a random club-looking doorway and asked the counter.."is it ladies night tonight?" yes and PHEWWWWWWWWWW OFF WE WENT.

seet got a shock when the floor when designed as a transparent box.. and a height-freakout, she had to hold my hand to get pass.. i was laughing like no body's business. and yay. finally there's people dancing in lunar. we immdiately joined the dance pool WITH OUR BAGS giaped at the shoulders and arms and started grooving to the music. hah. it was pure fun. then i started to see heads popping out from the second level. like OOOOH. that's how guys peek at people dancing worh.. so scheming. i had a gulp of lychee martini and NOT NICE DE. especially when i thought that anything sweet and alcoholic would be nice. eee. so anyway, back to dance pool for one last song and we had to go.

ALL HAIL TO SEET'S PAPA AND MAMA. they were always giving me a lift. haha. YAY. ok. all hail to seet too. aahah. yay. open air lorry ride on a wooden plank.. along the way, i was taken aback at how guys ask girls out.. seet and i were chatting and this black modified car happened to stop beside and wound down their windows.. i wonder if seet was really drunk or playing deaf or just deaf. the guys were asking if we wanted a ride[ah hem. seet's papa and mama were just in the air-con part of the lorry..] and obviously we turned down. please. people so tired ~~and drunk~~ i only had the energy to walk up to my unit, change, removed the partially removed eyeliner and drop dead on bed until 12pm this afternoon. and that's how i missed the liondanceouting-promshopping edition. then again, i can't really shop today since i cant fit my foot into any shoes without hurting the blisters on the toes..SO SORRY PEOPLE!

ok. this entry and very long and detailed and seet might just kill me for revealing so much details. haha. oh wells. time to get back to bed. im still sleepy.

someone post

2008-11-25T21:06:00.003+08:00

i must be careful in what i type today. hmm. *nods*

ran in the morning. soooo tiring. but MUST PERSEVERE. PROM'S ONLY SEVEN DAYS AWAY.
went far east to get those ten dollar shoes. one for me one for sister. yay.
i decided to give up on buying anymore levis jeans cause the 50dollar off temptation no longer works on me. HMPH. who ask them to have my size sold out.
i would also like to thank levis for inspiring me to lose weight. cause they only had smaller sizes available for me
someone hit my butt the first thing someone saw me
someone is obviously on diet but someone claimed someone isnt.
i walked the streets and past by familiar shops many many times.
someone made me talk till me throat felt sore. and my chest so uncomfortable from frustration...
now all the someones are making me confused. i probably wont remember who's that someone.
someone needs to repay me. A LOT.
someone reminded me that i need a hairTRIM.

i might as well not post this right. HAIYO.

re-wear or buy new one?

2008-11-23T11:00:00.003+08:00

i felt a need to picturise my blog which explains this out of place photo. haha. I LOVE RANDOM STUFF.

my brother was not pissed. but showed signs of distress[ok i made him sound like an animal] when my mom handed him the Goldlion shirt she bought from OG. ok. i admit. that was of AHPEH colour and seriously too broad over the shoulders and yet also too short over his lengthy arms. you gotta agree with me he's got LONG arms. so. not fitting is one matter. the price is another. apparently, he's a strong supporter of G2000. and the cost of the Goldlion shirt = approximately 5 times that of a G2000 shirt. and he says he likes to youthfulness of the colour and design of that brand. oh wells. ok. it was my fault too that i didnt stop my mom from buying that shirt. maybe both of us werent in the right state of mind. i guess it was the hunger pangs.

we managed to digress into a more relaxed topic.

bro: i don't understand why girls have a problem with wearing the same dress more than once. ok. maybe they're afraid of being seen as cheap. you see for guys, if you keep wearing different shirts, you become a playboy. on the other hand, you wear the same shirt, people will say that you're a steady guy.

me: no what. i always rewear my clothes what. my friend also what. sister also what. your girlfriend also. so we cheap la. OR HOR. I TELL YOU GIRLFRIEND AND SISTER. YOU DIE TONIGHT.

bro: ---___---"" no, i mean for more formal occasions. that's why their wardrobe so huge. not like guys, one small metal cupboard still more than enough. somemore girls arh, they think being cheap is better than looking like a fashion-disaster or looking ugly.

me: sure not. I GIRL BUT HOW COME I RATHER LOOK CHEAP? somemore, cheap clothes also can look pretty what. my friend $8 also so pretty.

bro: you see arh, there are 2 types of guys. type 1 is good guy, and he likes both ugly and pretty girls. type 2 is bad guy whom girls like, and he only likes pretty girls. *giggles* and i so happen to be the bad guy...

me: uhh. then you just jacked yourself. OF COURSE GIRLS RATHER LOOK CHEAP(and pretty) THAN UGLY LA. we like bad guys what.... what kinda stupid question is that.

bro: -------------_______________-----------"""""""""

i kinda lost the flow but this is somewhat what we talked about. see if you understand lor. haha.

post As

2008-11-21T20:44:00.002+08:00

celebration yesterday wasnt the first. but was definitely the major one. went to vivo while the guys went somewhere else. [~~ok i don't care. cause i am so pissed off right now~~] we walked for about 6 hours in vivo?? goodness. some clothes are seriously gorgeous but they cost more than a bomb. like hello. 500buck? are you mad? of course all of us tried on regardless of the intention of buying or not. ~~my goodness. seet's body is SOOO MOTHER HOT. so CURVY. HER STOMACH'S SO FLAT!!~~ jwong and i decided to constantly remind her of the fairytale with a handsign. HAHA.

thought of orchard but accompanied mom to OG near bugis instead.. we keep popping in and out of the small shops such that we ALMOST reached bugis junction.

OK. I AM IN NO MOOD TO BLOG ANYMORE.
CAUSE I CAME HOME TO REALISE STUFF IN MY ROOM WHICH I JUST TIDIED THIS MORNING HAS BEEN SHIFTED. AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY'VE BEEN MOVED. MY BED GETS SLEPT ON BY ANY VISITOR WHO WANTS TO WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. MY ROOM GETS INSPECTED BY ANY STRANGER WHO COMES INTO THE HOUSE. MY ROOM=LIVING ROOM THAT IS. WHEN I CAN BLOODY HAVE PRIVACY?! IF NOT, DON'T SAY THIS IS MY ROOM.

one more to go.

2008-11-18T14:34:00.003+08:00

all thanks to someone who plays polo, my heart has been thumping with the word levis since last night. *sighs*. this is endless.
ok. trival matters aside, there's so much DO IT YOURSELF paperworks and procedures.. from research to applications to job search and upgrading. sheeesh. i didnt even realised i need a RESUME to work as a PART-TIMER in KBOX. (wthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!) then i gave up looking for jobs and searched on for universities.. after proudly announcing that i wanna study veteinary science for the last 4 years of my life, im zooming out to zoology. it seems a better choice. since. i can work in a zoo with it. then again. life sucks cause singapore just doesnt seem to relent and offer such a course. that means i'll have to fly over the atlantic ocean (cause i want to avoid the pacific) to pursue zoology. ARGH. ARGGGHHH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. MY AIRWAY IS CHOKING WITH ANXIETY. *chill* and that means i have to research again on the choices of university and figure out how to apply for it ALL BY MYSELF. my parents and siblings doesnt seem to give a damn until they discover that there would be one missing soul in the house and that this soul hasnt learnt independence yet. so till then, im on my own to settle those bloody applications and student visas IF I REALLY "FLY AWAY".
as much as i hate to queue in a line consisting of more than 4 people in front of me, i hate paperworks and research that are ENDLESS in one's life. MY estimation tells me that i spent 45% of my life plainly on researching. notice i didnt put it in years, cause my life's probably being shortened each time i research. and so, i might just want to follow the crowd and apply to a local university instead, afterall, my family is physically here, and who's gonna lookafter the cats at pasir ris? it's rather irresponsible and ironic that if i went overseas in the name that "i love animals" when i had the heart to leave behind my pets. what a dillema.
i cursed at the fact why my friends do not seem to suffer from such a dillema, they easily made a choice and stuck hard to it. and they're moving towards their goal while im reversing. GOSH. IM EXPLODING. my life's a failure without a guide. seriously. some have applied. some are just an inch to getting a part time job while im still struggling to weigh the costs and benefits of the present. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybe it all lies with one word.
INDEPENDENCE.

go to hell GDP inflation and monopoly

2008-11-14T18:21:00.003+08:00

damns. econs is seriously haunting me.
overflowing thanks and bear hugs to those who ~~attempted to~~ cheer me up since the first ~~nightmare~~ noon-freakout. i really got better after wailing [literally] which my mom and sister didnt see it as a big matter -_-" i was kinda surprised cause i was never as devastated to the extent that i need to holler it out with a pillow at my mouth---->to reduce the volume. hah.
oh wells. I AM facing reality and am trying to accomodate the fact that i'll get an S or lower for econs. *sighs* and perhaps get really not happy that day. till then, screw econs. it's time to focus on learning something at the CC downstairs and signing up for driving lessons.. just that, how the tian do i get started.....

2008-11-07T17:10:00.004+08:00

why is the sun so gruelling scorching.

why isnt the weather turining cooler.

why is there a 3 day break.

why isnt the momentum kept going.

why am i always coming online.

who am i hoping to see.

why am i still sneezing given the temperature that makes me red.

why is there no more math. and then thinking about sally's ms wang.

why is there no more gp. and then about the coffee i still owe ms chan.

why am i "mourning".

......

why are there so many excuses for me to go out. today.

2008-11-03T20:55:00.002+08:00

goddamnit. i hate flu. especially during crucial periods. i came up with a conclusion that exercising regularly does NOT mean you won't fall sick. DAMNNNNNNNIT.

love this.

If I were a boy

Even just for a day

I’d roll outta bed in the morning

And throw on what I wanted then go

Drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls

I’d kick it with who I wanted

And I’d never get confronted for it.

Cause they’d stick up for me.

[Chorus]

If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I’d be a better man.

I’d listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he’s taken you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy

I could turn off my phone

Tell evveryone it’s broken

So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone

I’d put myself first

And make the rules as I go

Cause I know that she’d be faithful

Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

(Chorus)

It’s a little too late for you to come back

Say its just a mistake

Think I’d forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

You thought wrong

(Chorus)

But you’re just a boy

You don’t understand

Yeah you don’t understand

How it feels to love a girl someday

You wish you were a better man

You don’t listen to her

You don’t care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

Cause you’ve taken her for granted

And everything you have got destroyed

But you’re just a boy

x^4 + 6x^3 + 8x^2 + 5x +168 = 0

2008-10-25T21:45:00.004+08:00

rain pouts. I LIKE. and i've been doing that quite a lot while solving algebraic mathematics questions. and please jian hui. DON'T FOLLOW. DON'T COPY. PLEASE.
YAY. finally 2brother is coming back from taiwan. FINALLY. at such weird yet quite wonderful timing. haha. like 3am? which is about 5 hours from now. my mom's stopping me from hopping into the car cause she thinks that i want to study. yes i do. i admit. that's why im bringing my notes to the airport at 3am in the morning (: and maybe no proper sleep? i don't know. i just hope i wont get unneccessary hunger pangs so my weight won't rise like an exponential graph.
ok. im so dead. ONE WEEK = SEVEN DAYS from a level's and im still blogging. it's not like im some genius like SOMEONE. *rolls eyes*------>someone cannot roll eyes. HAHA.
janet is happy that she is not in a relationship. but thinks about it all day. she wonders why she is always left stunned because her dreamguy is always attached. and often by fate brushes across. she continues to wonder. and her mind wanders over to the happy memories. and then like a time machine skips over the prolonged tedious examination drought into the post-"famine" celebration. how come i so happen to agree with her ~~all~~ most of the time?

1.8 DECADES OLD.

2008-10-22T16:24:00.005+08:00

born at 1.20 + pm. i was officially eighteen years old in the midst of chemisty mock paper 3. hah. HOW FUN. so here goes.

happy birthday to ~~cupcake~~ gloria.

happy birthday to ying shi.

and in advance, happy birthday rebecca ng bing xuan---sorry. just felt like spelling your full name out. a lot a lot. (:

special mention and thanks to:

mr ~~jane~~ ng jian hui. for the birthday celebration that did not go according to plan early this month. for being so enthusiastically coming in first position ahead of syahiran's sms immediately past midnight. for the extra mile you took to get that chocolate cake the very last minute. for taking time to write me a second birthday card. no thanks to the shout your midnight sms induced that woke my mom up. to the last minute call for me to reach school earlier. for telling me to imagine you in *thongs*. for passing me the class birthday card before everyone wrote it. and so on. oh wells. thanks for being a great. brother. friend. [that sort of thing la.] the thoughts really count.
mr nuh ~~sally~~ syahiran. hmm. for the i-lost-count soya bean drinks you've treated me [see la, now im expecting more. HAHA]. for helping me to tell seet that my present needs to be changed. for being's jian hui's bestie so i know you'll comfort him whenever i hurt him. (: for the dozens of dozens of cold jokes you shared. and for talking so much, so i won't appear talkative[you have no idea how awkward situations are on the mrt alone with yuheng.. everything i initiate a topic.. he talks abit. and goes silent. so it's me doing most of the talking. *shakes head*]. no thanks to giving me the greatest shock of the year at plaza singapura by getting my attention.. maybe even in years. for inviting me to watch a M18 movie with NUDITY. for knowing WHICH present needs to be changed and still telling me that YOU TRIED IT. wth wth wth.
ms low seet teng. for being the organiser of almost everything. revolving like an earth around the sun[which is me] HAHA. for the sweet thoughts and consolation. for telling me to try out polo after A's.[i dont mind. provided the right timing.] for running in and out of world of sports to change size for me. for putting up with my bad temper when you were trying to hide a surprise from me.. raaaaaarrrrrrrr. you know la. YOU SHOULD. and oh. for walking slow. i enjoy that pace quite a lot. no thanks for TELLING ME TO REACH SCHOOL AT 7AM TOMORROW WITHOUT EATING BREAKFAST. PFFFFF. for having longer legs than me yet having a smaller foot. for pang sei-ing me many times. especially today after you heard it was nude movie today.. for telling me to COME HERE QUICK without telling me the venue's actually the canteen. and for THINKING IT'S THE 21ST TODAY. ok then. I HAVE TWO BIRTH DAYS THIS YEAR. TOMORROW'S MY BIRTHDAY TOO.
MISS SITI NURHA FIZAH. i think that's the way to spell it. i wont say i was surprised that your sms came. I WAS EXPECTING IT ANYWAY. lol. a pity we didnt meet today. or i would have demanded a bear hug. for a minute. long long one. shiok shiok satisfying one. heh.
my dearest secondary school buddies. caiyun minghwei yitan audrey jiawei. haah. so touching. (: (: (:
ms glorious gloria cheng. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "i love you and you ~~love~~ wanna marry me"
lion dancers. the card ~~yall~~ tian sent via singpost was. NICE. just that. why the picture take up so much space haha. and WHY THE BLOODY FEATHERS. IM NOT A CHICKEN. DAMNIT. haha. and NO THANKS TO SAMUEL KWEK. who like mel mel, commented that i looked like a gorilla.----> SO WHAT IF I DID. AT LEAST DONT REMIND ME ON MY BIRTHDAY RIGHT. eeyer. and I WILL grow TALLER. haha. then as yingqiao says, i'll go zara and get stilletos. then waihan would be the second i'll step on. the first is always quack quack. and it doesnt really matter if taller=more weight. im already very heavy. *looks down. pouts*
the everest 08SO3I. along with miss liaw[she insist a MISS will do.] i was REALLY SURPRISED when lingxi's sms came. (: sweet. though i should be thanking yall for singing, I REALLY REALLY WANTED IT LOUD AND CLEAR so the WHOLE WORLD KNOWS IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY. eeyeer.. somemore 3 persons leh. the volume should be 3 TIMES LOUDER. so people like VADI knows he still owes my J1 PROMO RESULT SLIP. and more people i know and don't know will smile at me. HAH.

i was in fact. dull last night. the thought of being eighteen did not mean more freedom. but instead. more independence with it's multiplier effect. it totally saddens me when i know i can no longer get cheap thrills from drinking alcoholic drinks illegally in pubs and restaurants.. or like have the chance to sneak into MOS or ZOUK underage. i wished i can remain seventeen. all the way.------------------>now i know why women hate revealing their age. i think. this is bad. im already getting this syndrome at 18. whatmore at 21?!

i got happier the next day. when i opened my eyes with a big yawn with a usual toss over to see my dad's face 30 cm from mine. happy birthday. he whispered. ahh. so nice. then rain's mtv LOVE STORY from his newest album RAINISM[sound retarded i know. but still. so ever supportive of him. you may say im suffering from rainism.]. it started to drizzle and RAIN as i walked to school. what a RAINy day for MRS RAIN. ain it like MY day. WAHAHAHA. [P/S: IT RAINED LAST YEAR WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL TOO. in fact it thundered.] i saw him. i wanted so much to tell him it's MY birthday so he could wish me. but.. I LOVE MY 'FACE'. so i decided not to tell him with his friends around. and so i never got the chance to. i saw HUNDREDS of familiar faces at i trailed down the corridor. the urge in me, however, was less positive than the self-control i had on my mouth. so no one except my class, the close, william knew. I WANNA SHOUT IT OUT LOUD---->sounds familiar. song lyrics?

with only a couple of hours left to the 2nd day of my birthday.. ok. serious. just that few hours. and like what syahiran said, it's another 365 days. should i sit back, relax. or heed that irritating wei han's sms to "enjoy" mugging since it's "1.5weeks left to A's." damns. i really wished i could sms back that. I HATE YOU. too bad my sms's too precious. hah.

thanks people! and syahiran. this is. ok. quite long. but not the longest. *smirks*

19th 19th 19th.

2008-10-20T17:31:00.004+08:00

yesterday was a GREAAAAAAT day. haha. too great to the extent that i was SOOOOO tired this morning for econs and subsequently biology.

woke up to the morning to have prata at some ulu place in sin ming afterwhich my dad drove around serene centre to navigate his way upon the place he used to travel often. he claimed there used to be a short-cut across to the botanical garden.. and so he made awfully loads of rounds, reverses and "OOPS". but it was awesome to oogle at the sizes of the kind of houses some bloody rich people are living in.. with a guardhouse and castle-looking mansions. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. there we also stumbled upon the ambassy of malaysia and somewhere around the ambassy of france. i was kinda taken aback but after that not so when i see how garden-ish and billionare-ish the former looked while the latter looked more like some office building with it's deep blue opaque glass windows.
we later stopped by botanical garden after confirming that the short-cut is extinct. woah. the fishes in the ponds are WAY OVER FED. like imagine a fish with it's "waist" bigger than your 1.5 litres water bottle and it's gills flaring out cause it just couldnt close itself to its own body. and the pigeons. they literally walk up to your feet even if you are not holding any food. how human-friendly.
i later found myself to be the most mature among the three. although im approximately 1/3 their age or like 1/10 their combined. somewhere up underneath there... as usual, my dad trotted to almost everything that appeared new to him while my mom tries to pace up. i was like stuck in between. AS USUAL. say, we went to a mini-pond and they started to argue if it was a snakehead or a tilapia or a fish species from thailand. ahhh. who cares. I WAS WEARING SHORTS BUT THEY WERENT. ok. maybe i did care when i squat at a site for approximately 20minutes after a frog-look-a-like sighting.. but to no avail, or when i like move simultaneously in slow motion with the 2 not-so-young-chaps to get a glimpse of a really shy fish.
it was supposed to be the climax but we end up seeing 2 swan asses shaking in their own little island. not our humanise kharsuan.. i really mean that big white bird that lays eggs which later transforms into an ugly duckling.. yes so whatever. we got kinda hyped up again when we saw little squirrels hoping from tree to tree and zig-zig-ing its way across the pathway. look at those puffy tails and how it twitches.. i used to have substitutes for at home.. when i jump out from behind the door and scream really loudly at my unsuspecting cat. then MMMMMIEECCK! boombah. and you see a similarly puffed up tail standing on ends.. moreover, you see not just brown tails.. you see black and white ones too (: HOW FUN. WAHAHAHAH.
but those days. haiz. wait till i get a private house. i'll get those cats home.. even if it means leaving the house empty so no precious wood or leather gets clawed. i swear the first thing i'll get is a private house. not a car. house first please. *dreams on, and the money flies further.*
it's been weeks since i last gave my precious baiwan a wipe and some really really comforting strokes. she was like. a piece of meat. that's like the best description cause she just laid down for me to sayang for 30 minutes straight? she purred, glanced a moment at me and put her head back down. then some other cat choked and started coughing in front of me.. immediately my mom reprimanded me for being so stupid. she scolded. literally, to which why i didnt move away. and how can i be a vet if im so stupid. i hissed back without thinking "when did i say i wanted to be a vet lah!" at the very moment, i wasnt thinking too much. actually, i think i lied. i think i did aspire to be a vet after my last dog died. but the devastation from my results told me to be a practical person and stay in singapore. dont be a vet. pursue a realistic dream. and so on. with funds lacking, a brain too dumb and a character not very desirable, maybe it's time to sit back and reconsider really, what i should be. or should i go for the last resort, study anything and sign on to the army or join the police. argh. decisions too complicated should not be bothering me weeks or like DAYS before A levels. put that down. or i'll start to euthanise myself.
dinner. was also out. AT VIVO. yay. it's been time we went to a shopping gallare. and it's at a marche. i never knew where and what that was until i came across the name in a conversation with ~~pauline~~ paul. ok. so when i though it was a class restaurant.. not really. besides the presence of air-con, having credit-card-like cards and gawing at over-priced food, i'd rather go to lao pa sa----->never eaten there. believe it or not. or some hawker food centre where food and cheaper and probably nicer. then again. it's probably more value for money than seoul garden. i swear im not stepping into that place for the next...5 years? oh wells. coincided with an first-three-months-ajc-friend. hah. so model and chio. *melts down* she had a hair let down with a gentle perm, some makeup to touch-up her facial features and wore a TIGHT and MINI dress complement with a black retro belt around her waist. WOSH. hot mans. especially when SHE'S TALLER AND THINNER than me.. probably HER LEGS ARE LONGER THAN MINE. !!!!!!!

"party" officially ended. so it's weird. cause 2nd brother isnt here. and so the 6th member of the original ng family got replaced by a da-sao this year... the photo album da-sao nicely wrapped with was YAY. just in time cause im about to get my 1001 million camwhored-with-friends photos, including an uncountable set of jump shots, printed. but the "I SEE DUMB PEOPLE" was. so my big brother who is so perma-ever-ready to suan me. RAWR. *bites*

and just. just just. i argued with my mom and i got pissed for no specfic reason. maybe pms-ing or like splashing out all the feelings i've been bottling inside. do you know how much it hurts when, not just once but multiple times and still counting, your mom thinks you are another person whether she goes out with you? it's like on EVERY SINGLE OCCASSION she says, "i went out with your sister". or maybe i should just forgive her. it might be poor memory. which i hope to express such symptoms selectively or like. oh wells.

mugging is so not my cup of tea. can i replace paperwork with erm.. balls and games?